Ok, I'm probably going to regret this, but here we go.
My life really sucks right now. I have been living with my girlfriend for about 8 months now and have dated her for about a year and a half. When I moved in everything was fine and she really wanted me to live with her. We are both 25. Shes going to college now and I am done with college and work.
About a year ago she found some condoms in my car and freaked out. I never cheated on her and assured her of that, but she got really upset about it. My car is a mess most of the time, and having condoms laying around wasn't really something I thought that would make me a bad person.
About 2 months ago she found an online dating profile I never deleated. I met her on an online dating site, and I had several at the time for different sites. I explained that I never used it while with her and I just never deleted it. Not once while we were dating did I ever look for another woman or go out with other women. I assured her this and she still doesn't trust me.
Well, when she found out about the profile, from her friend, her friend encouraged her to make her own dating site profile and find a new guy. By the time I find out that shes all upset about the profile she found of mine, she already had people txting her and what not. She eventually figured she couldn't do these things and ended it all. I never found out she had a profile but maybe a month later. So I get a little mad, and she apologizes and promises that it will never happen again. We discuss some things and come to an understanding and expectations of each other and try to move forward. Everything seemed to be ok, for the most part, until last weekend.
I purchased her a computer for her online classes and never really tried to snoop too much into her business. But one day I came home from the gym and she closed everything really quick and was suprised that I was home. I figured it was a good time to look around on the browsing history.
She has been watching a lot of porn. Now, thats all fine, she is an adult. But 99% of the sites were lesbian porn. I found a lot of online dating sites and other sites like letsbang dot com and horny matches dot com. I find one public profile that shes looking for a woman to mess around with and is currious about trying things. Another public site that shes just looking for a good, caring, and passonate man, etc.
So she gets home and I tell her we need to talk. I ask, are you looking for another man? No. Are you looking for a woman? No. Is there anything you want to tell me or explain? No. So I show her everything and let her know she just lied to me several times. She had nothing to say about why she did all this and said she was bored or currious about it all.
So I get all pissed, and try to talk with her. She has nothing to say about it all and eventually just says sorry. I tell her I'm going to go live with my brother and we are going on a break. She tries to get me to stay and I hold my ground. I told her we need to take a week break and shouldn't see each other. But she still txts me and everything.
So now I have half my crap in my car, and half of it all still at her house. I get mad every day because she never sais anything about what she did wrong or how she plans to fix our relationship. She doesn't want to talk about anything and just states that she already asked for forgiveness. I just don't think she has done enough to even consider staying with her. I know the obvious solution is to just leave and find someone else. But I've dated several women in the past 6 years and she is by far the best woman I've met. I don't think she every really went out with other guys, but she created the profiles and at least looked around. I want to find a way to keep us together, but I feel like she isn't trying at all. Maybe she things I'm just going to cave in and move back with her regardless of what she does. Maybe I need to move all my crap from her house to get her to realize whats going on.
The relationship is kind of complicated. She is from Kenya, goes to school, and runs track and field. Shes very shy, nieve, and quiet. Maybe shes just sticking with me to get married, or maybe not. She is caring, kind, and everything. Wouldn't hurt a fly. I never once in our relationship would think she would do something like this. She just says she got jealous of the condoms she found a long time ago and the old dating profile I never deleted. She doesn't trust me. And to make matters worse, I found out recently that he ex-boyfriend cheated on her before they broke up. So that doesn't make my shine like a new penny at all.
So, is all this my fault for having condoms in my car and forgetting about the online dating profile?
I know everyone is going to say just move on and forget about it. But I really love her and we have always been so happy together. I know she has done wrong, but I feel like I should at least let her try and make things right. I told her I would wait a week and if she doesn't have anything to say about all this I will just move out completely. She ignored me completely today and I thought about just going and getting the rest of my stuff. I hate this feeling.
So yeah, thats the story. Advice would be appreciated. I just don't have anyone to talk to this late at night.
You guys seem to have a problem trusting each other. I'd suggest that this is an unacceptable situation for a relationship to be in, and you might talk to your partner about that before accusing her of trying to sneak around behind your back, or whether condoms in your car matter. Either figure out a way to bring some trust into the relationship, or get out immediately.
There was a ton of discussion on how this girl looked shady and was cheating on you and you only ever made one reply on the first page and never gave us an update. Now things are happening again and you are still giving her the benefit of the doubt?
Sorry man but it seems this is a habitual pattern and you just aren't learning that she is not to be trusted.
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Yeah, as soon as I read she was from Kenya a does track & field I remembered that post too.
______________
OP, this does not sound like a healthy relationship. You love her, I get it. You can, and will, find love again if you leave her. You do realize this, don't you? Furthermore, there are tons of girls out there who won't add this kind of drama to your life that would absolutely love to meet a guy like you! Seriously, there are nice girls in your area just waiting for a guy like you to come along! So why are you staying with this drama factory? She seems to be causing you undue stress and seems to have been doing so for quite some time based on the fact that this is the second time you've posted here about her. It can be scary leaving a relationship, I understand. But at some level you probably realize that this relationship is toxic for you.
Move on, or suffer the consequences of inaction. Those are your two options, and neither one seems particularly pleasant, but one is clearly better for you in the long run.
Good luck!
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"For small creatures such as we the vastness is bearable only through love." --Carl Sagan
Taking breaks isn't fixing anything, it is ignoring problems until you two cool off enough to ignore those problems when you're face to face again. Take a real break, be sad for a while, then be happy all the bull**** is gone and fall in love with someone else.
If you can't trust the person you are with, be they male or female or whatever, then it is time to rethink the relationship. Given that you have had issues before, perhaps this "break" should be permanent (which I think you know, but are having a hard time facing - habits are hard to break).
Yes, move the rest of your stuff out of her place. Figure out an alternative living arrangement. Go on some dates with other girls. You said yourself:
I just don't think she has done enough to even consider staying with her.
That says everything.
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You guys seem to have a problem trusting each other. I'd suggest that this is an unacceptable situation for a relationship to be in, and you might talk to your partner about that before accusing her of trying to sneak around behind your back, or whether condoms in your car matter. Either figure out a way to bring some trust into the relationship, or get out immediately.
I think this post seems most helpful. We have talked through some things and came to an understanding that we need to work on our trust issues. We both agreed that we can work on this and see where the relationship goes from here. Thanks for the reply, this really helped and it is a good starting stone.
There was a ton of discussion on how this girl looked shady and was cheating on you and you only ever made one reply on the first page and never gave us an update. Now things are happening again and you are still giving her the benefit of the doubt?
Sorry man but it seems this is a habitual pattern and you just aren't learning that she is not to be trusted.
Sorry for not keeping everyone updated on that last thread. We kinda just moved on and figured we would get through it. Going back to the thread and reading everything was depressing. I mean, the advice probably was right on, but I guess I'm just a push over when it comes to this stuff.
The thing is, shes not a "cheater" likes shes going out on dates with guys and sleeping with people. She just got mad at me for finding some things (profile, condoms, etc) and talked with her friends about it. She started the online dating profile, but I don't believe shes actually gone out with anyone else. All she does is run, school, work and sleep all day. I don't see where she was out dating people and sleeping around... But there are major trust issues going on and she lied about a lot things.
Doesn't anyone think it isn't completely stupid to stay with this relationship and try to make things work? Or am I just that ignorant and clueless? I wouldn't be waisting my time if she wasn't worth it in some capacity. Cant we just work on our trust issues and try communicating with each other better and find a way to make things work?
I wouldn't be waisting my time if she wasn't worth it in some capacity. Cant we just work on our trust issues and try communicating with each other better and find a way to make things work?
Well, then, let's start this process. How is she worth it? Is it love? Because you certainly didn't put that anywhere in your OP.
I think where a lot of the confusion is coming from is that you don't seem to be considering how hard it is to "work on our trust issues." Think about it, your car is a sticking point in this relationship, her computer is a source of cheating in this relationship, even if you're in the same room she could be chatting with somebody. Unless you're both willing to accept the Amish lifestyle, these things aren't going away.
Understand, I'm not reneging on my original advice, though I might be labeled a hopeless romantic for it.. but if you're going to work through this with your girlfriend you need to realize you're pretty far down the hole, and that you have to take this damn seriously or there's no chance you're going to make it. Nobody willing to give you advice is going to look at what I quoted above and say "Oh, you should be fine, then, all better, let's knock off early because he obviously has this under control." Give us a battle plan, or at least some proto-plan of what you expect to happen, and then maybe we can give you further advice; as it is, you're coming across as wanting to defend something because it's comfortable co-dependent behavior instead of because it's worth it.
Just my opinion, but if i were in your shoes, id end it.
I got a few thousand words here from you now, and I haven't read one word about what she's like, what makes her special or unique, why you need to be with her and not some other attractive athletic girl who gives you good sex.
You don't trust each other, you dont communicate, and you interact & argue with each other like selfish opponents trying to gain advantage. Sounds like you guys don't ever reconcile these arguments but instead, because you feel you have too much invested, you probably just drop them after you hit an impasse... and then she gives you sex or something...
She's not a terrible person, and she may or may not have cheated on you, but she's clearly unhappy with the situation.
As I said, I would personally drop her (and the fault lies with both of you, don't get me wrong, but obviously you cant break up with yourself), but only you know if you really love this girl and want to continue to live with her and build towards a permanent relationship. If you are truly committed to fixing things, and there's more to your relationship than you've revealed, then you have a long way to go towards building trust. Do you see her as a person youd want to grow old with? A person you would really truly like and love, even I she didn't have a hot body and have sex with you?
Just my opinion, but if i were in your shoes, id end it.
I got a few thousand words here from you now, and I haven't read one word about what she's like, what makes her special or unique, why you need to be with her and not some other attractive athletic girl who gives you good sex.
You don't trust each other, you dont communicate, and you interact & argue with each other like selfish opponents trying to gain advantage. Sounds like you guys don't ever reconcile these arguments but instead, because you feel you have too much invested, you probably just drop them after you hit an impasse... and then she gives you sex or something...
She's not a terrible person, and she may or may not have cheated on you, but she's clearly unhappy with the situation.
As I said, I would personally drop her (and the fault lies with both of you, don't get me wrong, but obviously you cant break up with yourself), but only you know if you really love this girl and want to continue to live with her and build towards a permanent relationship. If you are truly committed to fixing things, and there's more to your relationship than you've revealed, then you have a long way to go towards building trust. Do you see her as a person youd want to grow old with? A person you would really truly like and love, even I she didn't have a hot body and have sex with you?
When people have NO trust, I'm dubious.
I can defintely see myself growing old with her. What makes her so desirable to me is her personality. She doesn't like to go out much and would rather stay home, like me. She has good spending habits and lives life frugally, like me. I like her kindness, her willingness to help others, and she is smart. The only major complaint I have, besides the lieing, is that she has no hobbies. She is adorable, but I wouldn't say I'm only staying with her because of her rocking body.
There are kind, frugal, adorable homebodies who don't have a history of lies and petty arguments with you.
Your call of course. I'd end it, not because the lady lacks good. But because she has enough bad. It is truly rare to get a relationship in which you lose nothing by ending it. I get the feeling to stand to gain a lot more in the long run here.
She has been watching a lot of porn. Now, thats all fine, she is an adult. But 99% of the sites were lesbian porn. I found a lot of online dating sites and other sites like letsbang dot com and horny matches dot com. I find one public profile that shes looking for a woman to mess around with and is currious about trying things. Another public site that shes just looking for a good, caring, and passonate man, etc.
I do not know the whole story, and I will probably not read the other thread, but I want to comment on this part. We all can have confusing points in our lives where sexuality is questioned, and statistically women are more likely to investigate these feelings, but that is all that it much of the time. The hetero dating profiles are confusing, but the lesbian ones are just an extension of that confusion. I do not know much about Kenyan society, but I doubt she was raised with "progressive" sexual education and the openness and sexual liberty of the west can cause some chaos. I think you need to not see this as about you, and attempt to engage in a dialog about her confusion. In the end she may still prefer men, but providing a trusting and and open ear will help to teach her to trust.
...also, you may feel justified that you had a reason and a right to do so, but you very clearly violated her privacy by investigating her computer. Being caught in a lie or in an act that you feel is shameful does not make you more comfortable sharing such things in the future, it makes you want to hide it deeper which will create a larger divide between you.
My life really sucks right now. I have been living with my girlfriend for about 8 months now and have dated her for about a year and a half. When I moved in everything was fine and she really wanted me to live with her. We are both 25. Shes going to college now and I am done with college and work.
About a year ago she found some condoms in my car and freaked out. I never cheated on her and assured her of that, but she got really upset about it. My car is a mess most of the time, and having condoms laying around wasn't really something I thought that would make me a bad person.
About 2 months ago she found an online dating profile I never deleated. I met her on an online dating site, and I had several at the time for different sites. I explained that I never used it while with her and I just never deleted it. Not once while we were dating did I ever look for another woman or go out with other women. I assured her this and she still doesn't trust me.
Well, when she found out about the profile, from her friend, her friend encouraged her to make her own dating site profile and find a new guy. By the time I find out that shes all upset about the profile she found of mine, she already had people txting her and what not. She eventually figured she couldn't do these things and ended it all. I never found out she had a profile but maybe a month later. So I get a little mad, and she apologizes and promises that it will never happen again. We discuss some things and come to an understanding and expectations of each other and try to move forward. Everything seemed to be ok, for the most part, until last weekend.
I purchased her a computer for her online classes and never really tried to snoop too much into her business. But one day I came home from the gym and she closed everything really quick and was suprised that I was home. I figured it was a good time to look around on the browsing history.
She has been watching a lot of porn. Now, thats all fine, she is an adult. But 99% of the sites were lesbian porn. I found a lot of online dating sites and other sites like letsbang dot com and horny matches dot com. I find one public profile that shes looking for a woman to mess around with and is currious about trying things. Another public site that shes just looking for a good, caring, and passonate man, etc.
So she gets home and I tell her we need to talk. I ask, are you looking for another man? No. Are you looking for a woman? No. Is there anything you want to tell me or explain? No. So I show her everything and let her know she just lied to me several times. She had nothing to say about why she did all this and said she was bored or currious about it all.
So I get all pissed, and try to talk with her. She has nothing to say about it all and eventually just says sorry. I tell her I'm going to go live with my brother and we are going on a break. She tries to get me to stay and I hold my ground. I told her we need to take a week break and shouldn't see each other. But she still txts me and everything.
So now I have half my crap in my car, and half of it all still at her house. I get mad every day because she never sais anything about what she did wrong or how she plans to fix our relationship. She doesn't want to talk about anything and just states that she already asked for forgiveness. I just don't think she has done enough to even consider staying with her. I know the obvious solution is to just leave and find someone else. But I've dated several women in the past 6 years and she is by far the best woman I've met. I don't think she every really went out with other guys, but she created the profiles and at least looked around. I want to find a way to keep us together, but I feel like she isn't trying at all. Maybe she things I'm just going to cave in and move back with her regardless of what she does. Maybe I need to move all my crap from her house to get her to realize whats going on.
The relationship is kind of complicated. She is from Kenya, goes to school, and runs track and field. Shes very shy, nieve, and quiet. Maybe shes just sticking with me to get married, or maybe not. She is caring, kind, and everything. Wouldn't hurt a fly. I never once in our relationship would think she would do something like this. She just says she got jealous of the condoms she found a long time ago and the old dating profile I never deleted. She doesn't trust me. And to make matters worse, I found out recently that he ex-boyfriend cheated on her before they broke up. So that doesn't make my shine like a new penny at all.
So, is all this my fault for having condoms in my car and forgetting about the online dating profile?
I know everyone is going to say just move on and forget about it. But I really love her and we have always been so happy together. I know she has done wrong, but I feel like I should at least let her try and make things right. I told her I would wait a week and if she doesn't have anything to say about all this I will just move out completely. She ignored me completely today and I thought about just going and getting the rest of my stuff. I hate this feeling.
So yeah, thats the story. Advice would be appreciated. I just don't have anyone to talk to this late at night.
Thanks,
http://forums.mtgsalvation.com/showthread.php?t=373051
There was a ton of discussion on how this girl looked shady and was cheating on you and you only ever made one reply on the first page and never gave us an update. Now things are happening again and you are still giving her the benefit of the doubt?
Sorry man but it seems this is a habitual pattern and you just aren't learning that she is not to be trusted.
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Yeah, as soon as I read she was from Kenya a does track & field I remembered that post too.
OP, this does not sound like a healthy relationship. You love her, I get it. You can, and will, find love again if you leave her. You do realize this, don't you? Furthermore, there are tons of girls out there who won't add this kind of drama to your life that would absolutely love to meet a guy like you! Seriously, there are nice girls in your area just waiting for a guy like you to come along! So why are you staying with this drama factory? She seems to be causing you undue stress and seems to have been doing so for quite some time based on the fact that this is the second time you've posted here about her. It can be scary leaving a relationship, I understand. But at some level you probably realize that this relationship is toxic for you.
Move on, or suffer the consequences of inaction. Those are your two options, and neither one seems particularly pleasant, but one is clearly better for you in the long run.
Good luck!
Taking breaks isn't fixing anything, it is ignoring problems until you two cool off enough to ignore those problems when you're face to face again. Take a real break, be sad for a while, then be happy all the bull**** is gone and fall in love with someone else.
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Yes, move the rest of your stuff out of her place. Figure out an alternative living arrangement. Go on some dates with other girls. You said yourself:
That says everything.
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I think this post seems most helpful. We have talked through some things and came to an understanding that we need to work on our trust issues. We both agreed that we can work on this and see where the relationship goes from here. Thanks for the reply, this really helped and it is a good starting stone.
Sorry for not keeping everyone updated on that last thread. We kinda just moved on and figured we would get through it. Going back to the thread and reading everything was depressing. I mean, the advice probably was right on, but I guess I'm just a push over when it comes to this stuff.
The thing is, shes not a "cheater" likes shes going out on dates with guys and sleeping with people. She just got mad at me for finding some things (profile, condoms, etc) and talked with her friends about it. She started the online dating profile, but I don't believe shes actually gone out with anyone else. All she does is run, school, work and sleep all day. I don't see where she was out dating people and sleeping around... But there are major trust issues going on and she lied about a lot things.
Doesn't anyone think it isn't completely stupid to stay with this relationship and try to make things work? Or am I just that ignorant and clueless? I wouldn't be waisting my time if she wasn't worth it in some capacity. Cant we just work on our trust issues and try communicating with each other better and find a way to make things work?
Well, then, let's start this process. How is she worth it? Is it love? Because you certainly didn't put that anywhere in your OP.
I think where a lot of the confusion is coming from is that you don't seem to be considering how hard it is to "work on our trust issues." Think about it, your car is a sticking point in this relationship, her computer is a source of cheating in this relationship, even if you're in the same room she could be chatting with somebody. Unless you're both willing to accept the Amish lifestyle, these things aren't going away.
Understand, I'm not reneging on my original advice, though I might be labeled a hopeless romantic for it.. but if you're going to work through this with your girlfriend you need to realize you're pretty far down the hole, and that you have to take this damn seriously or there's no chance you're going to make it. Nobody willing to give you advice is going to look at what I quoted above and say "Oh, you should be fine, then, all better, let's knock off early because he obviously has this under control." Give us a battle plan, or at least some proto-plan of what you expect to happen, and then maybe we can give you further advice; as it is, you're coming across as wanting to defend something because it's comfortable co-dependent behavior instead of because it's worth it.
I got a few thousand words here from you now, and I haven't read one word about what she's like, what makes her special or unique, why you need to be with her and not some other attractive athletic girl who gives you good sex.
You don't trust each other, you dont communicate, and you interact & argue with each other like selfish opponents trying to gain advantage. Sounds like you guys don't ever reconcile these arguments but instead, because you feel you have too much invested, you probably just drop them after you hit an impasse... and then she gives you sex or something...
She's not a terrible person, and she may or may not have cheated on you, but she's clearly unhappy with the situation.
As I said, I would personally drop her (and the fault lies with both of you, don't get me wrong, but obviously you cant break up with yourself), but only you know if you really love this girl and want to continue to live with her and build towards a permanent relationship. If you are truly committed to fixing things, and there's more to your relationship than you've revealed, then you have a long way to go towards building trust. Do you see her as a person youd want to grow old with? A person you would really truly like and love, even I she didn't have a hot body and have sex with you?
When people have NO trust, I'm dubious.
I can defintely see myself growing old with her. What makes her so desirable to me is her personality. She doesn't like to go out much and would rather stay home, like me. She has good spending habits and lives life frugally, like me. I like her kindness, her willingness to help others, and she is smart. The only major complaint I have, besides the lieing, is that she has no hobbies. She is adorable, but I wouldn't say I'm only staying with her because of her rocking body.
Your call of course. I'd end it, not because the lady lacks good. But because she has enough bad. It is truly rare to get a relationship in which you lose nothing by ending it. I get the feeling to stand to gain a lot more in the long run here.
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...also, you may feel justified that you had a reason and a right to do so, but you very clearly violated her privacy by investigating her computer. Being caught in a lie or in an act that you feel is shameful does not make you more comfortable sharing such things in the future, it makes you want to hide it deeper which will create a larger divide between you.
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