Yes, being honest about cheating is selfish. It will probably destroy the relationship. When your partner doesn't know, and there's no reasonable chance of them finding out, sharing with them that you cheated on them is selfish. If you never tell them, the worst that happens is that you are burdened with guilt. If you share, things can get much worse for them. Since sharing it will not benefit them, your motivation can't accurately be said to be altruistic. It can only be selfish.
Complete bull.
You're advocating lying to a person and perpetuating a relationship that is built on falsehood because you don't wish to be found out how you betrayed that person's trust.
That's completely selfish.
How is it selfish?
Furthermore, even if it was selfish, wouldn't it produce the best result?
Then it appears you are as much a con artist in your professional life as you are advocating others be in their relationships.
On what facts do you base your relationship advice?
On a basic understanding on what the word "selfish" means. Oh and, y'know, basic human decency.
You're looking at two scenarios:
A) Person cheated on his partner early on in their relationship, person comes forward and tells that person how he betrayed her trust
B) Person cheated on his partner early on in their relationship, person lies out of a fear of being found out
and you are actually arguing that the second one is not being selfish and the first one is. The second person is lying, deliberately withholding information from his partner, and is in a relationship that is built upon falsehood and you are saying that person is in the right and is totally not behaving in a self-serving manner at all.
Who is this licensing body, again, that you are licensed under?
You have to take a utilitarian approach to this before you jump to assuming that narrow moralistic views of individual actions should dictate behavior in a relationship.
Given the outcome of telling the truth, and the outcome of not telling the truth, not telling the truth is clearly usually (though not always) the superior choice.
Obviously something I've said angers you. Perhaps you should consider looking at your own past relationships and how they may be biasing your opinions.
I've been cheated on. It sucked. Consider, however, that MOST relationships involve cheating. It's far from abnormal.
Successful relationships are not these bastions of endless honesty that you appear to think that they are. Nothing could be further from the truth. I'll get a few book titles on the subject that I recommend and post them here in a minute. Much of what you seem to be describing sounds a lot more like love addiction and co-dependency than healthy relationships.
The last one is my favorite. It goes into details about situations where you should tell your partner that you cheated, and situations where you should not. This is obviously not a one-question-one-answer problem.
In response to your below post... you clearly don't want to have the argument that we're actually having, so I'm done here. Good luck in your future relationships.
It's completely selfish. The person is lying about betraying his partner's trust because he doesn't want to be found out. It's got nothing to do with the other person's well-being, and everything to do with his own.
Furthermore, even if it was selfish, wouldn't it produce the best result?
No, of course it wouldn't!
The best result would be to tell the partner what happened, and let him/her decide, in light of the truth of the previous infidelity, whether or not that person wishes to be with you.
The only reason to behave contrary to this is if you don't actually give a crap about the other person.
Is that how you rationalize doing something that harms your partner in order to benefit you?
Because that's selfish, now, isn't it?
before you jump to assuming that narrow moralistic views of individual actions should dictate behavior in a relationship.
There isn't a whole lot of leeway with regards to the definitions of the words "selfishness" and "honesty," riliss.
Given the outcome of telling the truth, and the outcome of not telling the truth, not telling the truth is clearly usually (though not always) the superior choice.
So you advocate relationships based on lies, falsehoods, and withholding information?
I ask again: What is this licensing body that made you believe you are qualified to counsel couples?
Obviously something I've said angers you.
When other people advocate people behave selfishly and immorally, I do get angry, yes.
Perhaps you should consider looking at your own past relationships and how they may be biasing your opinions.
Not a jot, actually. I've never had a relationship in which a partner has cheated on me, nor one in which I cheated on a partner. My outrage is at the sheer immorality of what you are saying, and is perfectly logical.
Consider, however, that MOST relationships involve cheating.
So your reaction is to advocate cheating and lying about it?
Successful relationships are not these bastions of endless honesty that you appear to think that they are.
Successful relationships are sure as hell not built on cheating on a partner and then lying about it. A relationship built on lying about one's fidelity is the exact opposite of successful.
This is obviously not a one-question-one-answer problem.
Of course it is. It's "Do you value integrity in a relationship, or don't you?"
You clearly do not.
In response to your above post... you clearly don't want to have the argument that we're actually having, so I'm done here. Good luck in your future relationships.
Oh no, I want to have the argument that we're having. The problem is it's not a contest. You have no leg to stand on.
And no licensing body, apparently, judging by your silence when I asked for your qualifications.
Yes, by not engaging you in your personal attacks, I am clearly not a CAC.
I only asked in the beginning if you were in the same field as me because if you were, I could have used shorthand and phrases that only someone in the field would understand. You weren't, so I moved on.
Yes, by not engaging you in your personal attacks, I am clearly not a CAC.
No, you're avoiding my pointing out that what you're advocating is selfish, disrespectful, harmful, and completely the opposite of conducive to a healthy relationship by refusing to engage me.
As to being an actual psychotherapist, you may be one, but that proves nothing with regards to qualifications, as the term "psychotherapist" is unregulated. Anyone can claim to be a psychotherapist, it's not the same thing as a psychologist or a psychiatrist, which are professions that require actual degrees. A psychotherapist could just have a GED, or not even that. There are literally no regulations on the term "psychotherapist." Which is why I asked for what this organization was that gave you the license.
I only asked in the beginning if you were in the same field as me because if you were, I could have used shorthand and phrases that only someone in the field would understand. You weren't, so I moved on.
Whoa there, buddy. You haven't even demonstrated a basic understanding of the word "selfish." Let's not get ahead of ourselves.
Because you are arguing that lying about infidelity is something people should do.
And that's wrong.
Not to mention, at this point, I'm presented with two possibilities, and I'm not sure which is worse:
Possibility 1 is you are actually a CAC, which as far as I can tell, means you are a Certified Addiction Counselor. This is weird because:
A) a CAC is a person who works with addiction. So no, relationships aren't actually your field, now are they?
But more importantly:
B) You're a person who's certified as a counselor for people who are dealing with addiction and you're saying that lying is healthy, and not at all selfish or harmful? You're claiming to have worked with drug addicts and you're saying that lying is usually the best thing to do, and will not in any way destroy a relationship?
You're saying you have worked with drug addicts — drug addicts — and you're encouraging dishonesty?
Possibility 2 is you are lying about being a CAC, in which case, dude... Why would you lie about being a CAC? Seriously, how much of an underachiever do you have to be to fake your qualifications by choosing a title that does not actually demonstrate you as qualified in the subject matter?
I mean, have some pride. If you're going to lie about your credentials, at least lie big.
On what facts do you base your relationship advice?
GWU Bant Manifest - The Future Is Here. Or it will be at the end of turn. GWU
How is it selfish?
Furthermore, even if it was selfish, wouldn't it produce the best result?
GWU Bant Manifest - The Future Is Here. Or it will be at the end of turn. GWU
On a basic understanding on what the word "selfish" means. Oh and, y'know, basic human decency.
You're looking at two scenarios:
A) Person cheated on his partner early on in their relationship, person comes forward and tells that person how he betrayed her trust
B) Person cheated on his partner early on in their relationship, person lies out of a fear of being found out
and you are actually arguing that the second one is not being selfish and the first one is. The second person is lying, deliberately withholding information from his partner, and is in a relationship that is built upon falsehood and you are saying that person is in the right and is totally not behaving in a self-serving manner at all.
Who is this licensing body, again, that you are licensed under?
Given the outcome of telling the truth, and the outcome of not telling the truth, not telling the truth is clearly usually (though not always) the superior choice.
Obviously something I've said angers you. Perhaps you should consider looking at your own past relationships and how they may be biasing your opinions.
I've been cheated on. It sucked. Consider, however, that MOST relationships involve cheating. It's far from abnormal.
Successful relationships are not these bastions of endless honesty that you appear to think that they are. Nothing could be further from the truth. I'll get a few book titles on the subject that I recommend and post them here in a minute. Much of what you seem to be describing sounds a lot more like love addiction and co-dependency than healthy relationships.
GWU Bant Manifest - The Future Is Here. Or it will be at the end of turn. GWU
http://www.audible.com/pd/Self-Development/Codependent-No-More-Audiobook/B002V8H88G?source_code=GPAGBSH0508140001&mkwid=squFtOS4w_dc&pkw=PLA&pmt=broad&pcrid=50896561500
http://www.amazon.com/dp/0521866901/?tag=wwwbelladepau-20
http://www.amazon.com/Secrets-Surviving-Infidelity-Scott-Haltzman/dp/1421409429
The last one is my favorite. It goes into details about situations where you should tell your partner that you cheated, and situations where you should not. This is obviously not a one-question-one-answer problem.
In response to your below post... you clearly don't want to have the argument that we're actually having, so I'm done here. Good luck in your future relationships.
GWU Bant Manifest - The Future Is Here. Or it will be at the end of turn. GWU
No, of course it wouldn't!
The best result would be to tell the partner what happened, and let him/her decide, in light of the truth of the previous infidelity, whether or not that person wishes to be with you.
The only reason to behave contrary to this is if you don't actually give a crap about the other person.
Is that how you rationalize doing something that harms your partner in order to benefit you?
Because that's selfish, now, isn't it?
There isn't a whole lot of leeway with regards to the definitions of the words "selfishness" and "honesty," riliss.
So you advocate relationships based on lies, falsehoods, and withholding information?
I ask again: What is this licensing body that made you believe you are qualified to counsel couples?
When other people advocate people behave selfishly and immorally, I do get angry, yes.
Not a jot, actually. I've never had a relationship in which a partner has cheated on me, nor one in which I cheated on a partner. My outrage is at the sheer immorality of what you are saying, and is perfectly logical.
So your reaction is to advocate cheating and lying about it?
Successful relationships are sure as hell not built on cheating on a partner and then lying about it. A relationship built on lying about one's fidelity is the exact opposite of successful.
Of course it is. It's "Do you value integrity in a relationship, or don't you?"
You clearly do not.
Oh no, I want to have the argument that we're having. The problem is it's not a contest. You have no leg to stand on.
And no licensing body, apparently, judging by your silence when I asked for your qualifications.
I only asked in the beginning if you were in the same field as me because if you were, I could have used shorthand and phrases that only someone in the field would understand. You weren't, so I moved on.
GWU Bant Manifest - The Future Is Here. Or it will be at the end of turn. GWU
As to being an actual psychotherapist, you may be one, but that proves nothing with regards to qualifications, as the term "psychotherapist" is unregulated. Anyone can claim to be a psychotherapist, it's not the same thing as a psychologist or a psychiatrist, which are professions that require actual degrees. A psychotherapist could just have a GED, or not even that. There are literally no regulations on the term "psychotherapist." Which is why I asked for what this organization was that gave you the license.
Whoa there, buddy. You haven't even demonstrated a basic understanding of the word "selfish." Let's not get ahead of ourselves.
GWU Bant Manifest - The Future Is Here. Or it will be at the end of turn. GWU
And that's wrong.
Not to mention, at this point, I'm presented with two possibilities, and I'm not sure which is worse:
Possibility 1 is you are actually a CAC, which as far as I can tell, means you are a Certified Addiction Counselor. This is weird because:
A) a CAC is a person who works with addiction. So no, relationships aren't actually your field, now are they?
But more importantly:
B) You're a person who's certified as a counselor for people who are dealing with addiction and you're saying that lying is healthy, and not at all selfish or harmful? You're claiming to have worked with drug addicts and you're saying that lying is usually the best thing to do, and will not in any way destroy a relationship?
You're saying you have worked with drug addicts — drug addicts — and you're encouraging dishonesty?
Possibility 2 is you are lying about being a CAC, in which case, dude... Why would you lie about being a CAC? Seriously, how much of an underachiever do you have to be to fake your qualifications by choosing a title that does not actually demonstrate you as qualified in the subject matter?
I mean, have some pride. If you're going to lie about your credentials, at least lie big.
You continue to claim that honesty is its own virtue. I'm telling that that can't possibly be true.
GWU Bant Manifest - The Future Is Here. Or it will be at the end of turn. GWU
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