A trope that I often see used in fiction is that if a person in a relationship learns details of their partner's previous relationships, they are angry about that. However, I believe that a person's previous relationships are their business alone, and not of any concern to their current partner. The details of any relationship are strictly between the people involved in any relationship, who do not need to (and should not, in my mind) share them with anyone else.
If I ever am in a serious relationship, I shall not ask my partner for details of their previous relationships, nor shall I share any details of mine. I will want to focus only on the current relationship, believing that any discussion of previous relationships will place strain and tension on the existing one.
What does everyone else say about this? Do you believe that the details of a person's previous relationships are any business of their current partner? Why or why not?
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A trope that I often see used in fiction is that if a person in a relationship learns details of their partner's previous relationships, they are angry about that.
Angry why?
That's something you want to pay attention to. Sometimes there's a valid reason to be angry.
What does everyone else say about this? Do you believe that the details of a person's previous relationships are any business of their current partner? Why or why not?
That depends. Sometimes the details of a previous relationship are no big deal, sometimes they're a huge deal.
I'll give an obvious example: If a previous relationship resulted in pregnancy and the birth of a child, then yeah, that's a detail that's definitely the business of any subsequent significant other.
Or another: what if that person is currently married? That's a detail that's definitely your business, isn't it?
Honesty and love is the basis of a relationship, not secrecy.
I dated one guy who I didn't know was married and had a kid. Apparently he had scores of mistresses and his dumb wife knew about all of them, although that fat hog would prefer to stay with a man who didn't respect her and was just after her for the green card. None of us who were played (besides the complicit hog) were the wiser. Don't end up a fool like me.
Definitely no, unless it gets serious. Even then, keep the details out. There is virtually no upside to going on and on about previous relationships. If you were married or have kids, sure, that's something to bring up, but details you leave out.
Dr. Drew used to always say, "More mystery, less history."
If you have no interest in partner's past, that's fine. Your partner may have interest in your past for a few reasons. Some have been specified above - i.e., are there warning signs in your dating past? Possibly also natural curiosity to understand more about you and where you've been.
I also think it can be difficult for many people to comprehend that this person that means SO MUCH right now might have felt that way about other folks in the past. My then-girlfriend (now spouse of a decade) and I did share our histories when we decided we were serious about each other. I think we both tried really hard to make the other person feel secure while doing so. i.e., "yeah, she really meant a lot to me, but I didn't see XXX about the relationship at the time." We were also pretty careful not to compare each other to prior loves - that's dangerous.
If there's a situational relevance to a past relationship, I might bring it up. If not, unless the strength of the relationship is threatened by lack of past relationship knowledge, then I don't think it should be worried about.
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I will say that you shouldn't share that information at all. I was just left by wife for numerous reasons and one them being my past relationships. It got to the point where I wasn't allowed to talk to any female, regardless of whether they were an ex or not, because I told her about my past relationships. Yes, it could have been the fact that she had trust issues, but, ultimately, I wish I had never told her my past. I'm now back in touch with the females that I forced to stop talking too and I am happier for it.
Before a relationship progresses to marriage, it is important that anything either partner wishes to know be addressed. There are many, many reasons why someone would need to know (even setting aside wanting to know) about one's past.
I had not had much of a past, to be sure, when I met my now-husband. But I told him all about it. We have been married over 17 years now, and he has never had cause to wonder about anything in my past, as he has always known it.
Knowing someones relationship past might give you insight into how a relationship with that person might go. Did he cheat on every women he's ever been with? Does she get really drunk and do stupid things, on a regular basis? Have various ex-gf's filed restraining orders on him? Have any of the partners you've been with been HIV positive?
I will say that you shouldn't share that information at all. I was just left by wife for numerous reasons and one them being my past relationships. It got to the point where I wasn't allowed to talk to any female, regardless of whether they were an ex or not, because I told her about my past relationships. Yes, it could have been the fact that she had trust issues, but, ultimately, I wish I had never told her my past. I'm now back in touch with the females that I forced to stop talking too and I am happier for it.
Keep it to yourself.
Hiding things for fear that your significant other might leave you seems like a terrible foundation for a relationship.
I mean, long-term you want to know about your partner's history. I think it's a mistake to base your real-life relationship on fictional ones. The reality is that relationships benefit from transparency. I know my wife's history, and she knows all of mine.
Putting on a 'good' face never works in a relationship, you need your partner to accept you for who you are, warts and all. If your partner can't handle your history for whatever reason, that's a red flag and definitely not something that should be avoided.
A trope that I often see used in fiction is that if a person in a relationship learns details of their partner's previous relationships, they are angry about that. However, I believe that a person's previous relationships are their business alone, and not of any concern to their current partner.
"My last partner had AIDS. He also didn't believe in condoms. He'll I don't believe in condoms. Wait, come back!"
"I have a kid. She's just staying with her grandparents now. Not like it's any of your business."
If I'm in a relationship, I'd want to be in every aspect of that person's life. Some less, some more. The more serious, the more -- if there's ANY chance that it will affect the present, yeah, I'd like to know.
That your ex liked ice cream poured down his back while gagged is too much information and no I don't want to know.
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There are pieces of info that your new partner should know, some stuff they would like to know, some stuff they may not want to know but should be able to handle... and then there is stuff that would just be dumb to mention.
Your partner should know if something crazy happened in a previous relationship, do you have a stalker? are you a stalker? did you get cheated or or cheat? Did someone end up pregnant or with a disease?
Your partner may like to know some other stuff like... how many people you've been with.
If Jenny was the first person you had sex with and your new gf knows Jenny... she might not like that info but she should be able to handle it.
If you and your ex used to love baking muffins... don't tell your new partner about that while you're making muffins...
If you have a first date restaurant... your new partner doesn't need to know that all of your previous relationships got the same first date.
It depends what the subject is (and how serious the relationship is). Your previous relationships, like all of your experiences, are part of who you are. So if I want to get to know you as deeply as possible, then that includes your history, even the messy parts. If you used to be a different person and have changed, I want to know that about you. If there's something in your history that is going to be an issue, then avoiding talking about it doesn't solve anything. In a serious relationship I believe both people should be honest and transparent with each other.
I will say that you shouldn't share that information at all. I was just left by wife for numerous reasons and one them being my past relationships. It got to the point where I wasn't allowed to talk to any female, regardless of whether they were an ex or not, because I told her about my past relationships. Yes, it could have been the fact that she had trust issues, but, ultimately, I wish I had never told her my past. I'm now back in touch with the females that I forced to stop talking too and I am happier for it.
Keep it to yourself.
Hiding things for fear that your significant other might leave you seems like a terrible foundation for a relationship.
Here's the thing, I never did anything to make her question my faithfulness. I was loyal, considerate, respectful and, above all, showed my love to her everyday so that there would be no reason to worry. That didn't mean anything for her.
This is a opinionated topic... And my experience has taught me this. It's not to say it won't change in the future (although I doubt it), but this is how I feel on the subject.
Open enough to be honest, closed enough to not to cause paranoia. Especially early in a relationship, you're still making the sale. You make it to year 10+, then you can be more at ease with telling specifics. The only ones I believe you should be fully honest with about life experiences that are genuinely bad are relaying it to children... at the appropriate age and time and experience level.
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Hiding things for fear that your significant other might leave you seems like a terrible foundation for a relationship.
I completely agree with this.
Quote from Void »
I will say that you shouldn't share that information at all. I was just left by wife for numerous reasons and one them being my past relationships. It got to the point where I wasn't allowed to talk to any female, regardless of whether they were an ex or not, because I told her about my past relationships. Yes, it could have been the fact that she had trust issues,
Yes, she very obviously had issues with trust.
but, ultimately, I wish I had never told her my past. I'm now back in touch with the females that I forced to stop talking too and I am happier for it.
Keep it to yourself.
What? Why? You just said you were happier that she left you.
Here's the thing, I never did anything to make her question my faithfulness. I was loyal, considerate, respectful and, above all, showed my love to her everyday so that there would be no reason to worry. That didn't mean anything for her.
This is a opinionated topic... And my experience has taught me this. It's not to say it won't change in the future (although I doubt it), but this is how I feel on the subject.
Void, I don't think you understand where urweak is coming from.
If what you're saying is correct, and you really didn't do anything to warrant your wife's doubt over your faithfulness, then you did absolutely nothing wrong in your relationship, and your wife left because she had issues with trusting you that were completely unfounded.
What's confusing is that you seem to be:
A) Blaming your being open about your past for your relationship ending, which is strange because it seems like you're trying to find a way to pin the blame for your relationship ending on you, rather than your wife's mistrust of you which lead her to leave.
B) Acting like your relationship with your wife ending is somehow a bad thing, even though you're not in a relationship with someone who doesn't trust you, and have outright stated that you are happier.
You seem to want to make the case for hiding details about one's past when everything you've said demonstrates the need for openness and transparency in a relationship.
Your current partner has the right to know who you were with previously. Your current partner has the right to know why previous relationships ended if they want to know, ESPECIALLY if it was due to you cheating. Your current partner has the right to know anything that occurred during previous relationships that may become relevant in your lives together (children, diseases, current relationship status, crazy stalker ex, porn tapes, etc.) These are all things that should be discussed IMMEDIATELY when you are asked or when it becomes relevant. For most of these things, this is sometime after the first date but before you jump into bed. For things like your current relationship status--& most especially if you're currently married, dating someone seriously, looking for a polygamous relationship, etc., anything that involves someone other than you & Potential Partner--needs to be discussed BEFORE the first date ends & very preferably before it even begins.
When the relationship is more established & becoming serious, you shouldn't be afraid to talk with your partner about (nonsexual) experiences you had with your ex. They are not entitled to this information but it shouldn't be completely out of question t discuss it. For example, if you used to visit a great place with your ex (restaurant? coffee shop? hiking trail?) that you want to share with your current partner, it would be fine to share that information. Valuable life skills that your ex taught you? Fine. That time that something funny happened? Fine. Pictures from that great vacation you went on? Probably fine, but the more clothes you both have on the better. Focus on discussing the EXPERIENCE, not the people involved if at all possible, but answer any questions honestly.
Your current partner does NOT have a right to know any X-rated activities you may or may not have done that took place in other relationships. This should not be something you bring up in a conversation, ever. If your partner brings it up & you are not comfortable talking about it, don't. Even if you feel like you might be comfortable talking about it, keep what you say to a minimum & don't outright praise the bedroom talents or natural gifts of anyone else.
Your current partner does NOT have a right to hear you talk bad about your ex. In fact, nobody wants to hear things like "he was a cheating misogynist" or "she was a gold-digging ****". Even if it's 100% true, there are better ways to discuss it than ex-bashing. "We had a really great time together at the beginning of the relationship & shared a lot of interests, unfortunately s/he (wasn't looking for the same things I am/didn't have the same values as I do)." If you truly don't have anything good to say about your ex, "That wasn't the greatest time in my life & I'd prefer not to talk about it" is fine if you really don't.
You do have to open up a little. Your current partner is, I'm sure, going to be aware that your life didn't begin the day before they met you. It looks shady to be completely closed off about previous experiences, & your life is certainly someone else's business if you choose to share your life with them. Talk as much as you feel comfortable but do not close off the conversation completely.
I'm in the camp where your past relationships are entirely the business of your current ones. If it ever comes down to there being something you're not willing to tell your partner, then you two should probably not be together.
Here's the thing, I never did anything to make her question my faithfulness. I was loyal, considerate, respectful and, above all, showed my love to her everyday so that there would be no reason to worry. That didn't mean anything for her.
This is a opinionated topic... And my experience has taught me this. It's not to say it won't change in the future (although I doubt it), but this is how I feel on the subject.
When did you start being "open" with your wife?
Unless you talked about the relationships before you were married, I would argue that this would be case of your not being open enough. In this instance, if you had been open with her since the beginning then the mistrust would have emerged earlier and the two of you should have never married.
Also, even if you had not been open, the secret may have inadvertently got out through a friend, ex-girlfriend, or family member. It could be through casual conversation or your partner could be sneaky about it and talk to them behind your back. Do you really want to have relationships that hinge on keeping a secret shut?
The best approach is to have everything out in the open early in the relationship so that if the other person feels uncomfortable, they can feel free to walk away.
This is a lot like the, "I cheated on my partner in the beginning of our relationship, now we're serious and I feel guilty about it, should I tell him or her" situation. The answer (and the reason) is the same.
No. You say nothing.
Making your personal problem into your relationship's problem is at best stupid and at worst selfish and destructive.
This is a lot like the, "I cheated on my partner in the beginning of our relationship, now we're serious and I feel guilty about it, should I tell him or her" situation. The answer (and the reason) is the same.
No. You say nothing.
Making your personal problem into your relationship's problem is at best stupid and at worst selfish and destructive.
... What?
How is cheating on your partner a personal problem and not a relationship problem? That's clearly a relationship problem. When you think of an example of a serious problem in a relationship, that's the example you think of.
Recognize you just argued that being honest about cheating on a partner is selfish while not telling them isn't, and just how completely disingenuous that is.
Honesty is not always the best policy in relationships.
EDITED TO ADD - sorry, I didn't mean to double post. I got an error message when I tried to post this. Actual thought went into the post below.
Yes, being honest about cheating is selfish. It will probably destroy the relationship. When your partner doesn't know, and there's no reasonable chance of them finding out, sharing with them that you cheated on them is selfish. If you never tell them, the worst that happens is that you are burdened with guilt. If you share, things can get much worse for them. Since sharing it will not benefit them, your motivation can't accurately be said to be altruistic. It can only be selfish.
Thus.
I'm not coming out of left field with this. Most relationship experts agree that there is no benefit to extreme honesty in a relationship.
If you have an argument that is based in reality and not emotional judgement, I'd be more than happy to read it.
When I'm counseling someone who has cheated, my recommendation is always one of two things - either break up with the person, or don't do it again and never tell them.
Yes, being honest about cheating is selfish. It will probably destroy the relationship. When your partner doesn't know, and there's no reasonable chance of them finding out, sharing with them that you cheated on them is selfish. If you never tell them, the worst that happens is that you are burdened with guilt. If you share, things can get much worse for them. Since sharing it will not benefit them, your motivation can't accurately be said to be altruistic. It can only be selfish.
Complete bull.
You're advocating lying to a person and perpetuating a relationship that is built on falsehood because you don't wish to be found out how you betrayed that person's trust.
If I ever am in a serious relationship, I shall not ask my partner for details of their previous relationships, nor shall I share any details of mine. I will want to focus only on the current relationship, believing that any discussion of previous relationships will place strain and tension on the existing one.
What does everyone else say about this? Do you believe that the details of a person's previous relationships are any business of their current partner? Why or why not?
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That's something you want to pay attention to. Sometimes there's a valid reason to be angry.
That depends. Sometimes the details of a previous relationship are no big deal, sometimes they're a huge deal.
I'll give an obvious example: If a previous relationship resulted in pregnancy and the birth of a child, then yeah, that's a detail that's definitely the business of any subsequent significant other.
Or another: what if that person is currently married? That's a detail that's definitely your business, isn't it?
I dated one guy who I didn't know was married and had a kid. Apparently he had scores of mistresses and his dumb wife knew about all of them, although that fat hog would prefer to stay with a man who didn't respect her and was just after her for the green card. None of us who were played (besides the complicit hog) were the wiser. Don't end up a fool like me.
Dr. Drew used to always say, "More mystery, less history."
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I also think it can be difficult for many people to comprehend that this person that means SO MUCH right now might have felt that way about other folks in the past. My then-girlfriend (now spouse of a decade) and I did share our histories when we decided we were serious about each other. I think we both tried really hard to make the other person feel secure while doing so. i.e., "yeah, she really meant a lot to me, but I didn't see XXX about the relationship at the time." We were also pretty careful not to compare each other to prior loves - that's dangerous.
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Keep it to yourself.
I had not had much of a past, to be sure, when I met my now-husband. But I told him all about it. We have been married over 17 years now, and he has never had cause to wonder about anything in my past, as he has always known it.
Hiding things for fear that your significant other might leave you seems like a terrible foundation for a relationship.
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Putting on a 'good' face never works in a relationship, you need your partner to accept you for who you are, warts and all. If your partner can't handle your history for whatever reason, that's a red flag and definitely not something that should be avoided.
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"My last partner had AIDS. He also didn't believe in condoms. He'll I don't believe in condoms. Wait, come back!"
"I have a kid. She's just staying with her grandparents now. Not like it's any of your business."
If I'm in a relationship, I'd want to be in every aspect of that person's life. Some less, some more. The more serious, the more -- if there's ANY chance that it will affect the present, yeah, I'd like to know.
That your ex liked ice cream poured down his back while gagged is too much information and no I don't want to know.
"Sometimes, the situation is outracing a threat, sometimes it's ignoring it, and sometimes it involves sideboarding in 4x Hope//Pray." --Doug Linn
Your partner should know if something crazy happened in a previous relationship, do you have a stalker? are you a stalker? did you get cheated or or cheat? Did someone end up pregnant or with a disease?
Your partner may like to know some other stuff like... how many people you've been with.
If Jenny was the first person you had sex with and your new gf knows Jenny... she might not like that info but she should be able to handle it.
If you and your ex used to love baking muffins... don't tell your new partner about that while you're making muffins...
If you have a first date restaurant... your new partner doesn't need to know that all of your previous relationships got the same first date.
Here's the thing, I never did anything to make her question my faithfulness. I was loyal, considerate, respectful and, above all, showed my love to her everyday so that there would be no reason to worry. That didn't mean anything for her.
This is a opinionated topic... And my experience has taught me this. It's not to say it won't change in the future (although I doubt it), but this is how I feel on the subject.
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Yes, she very obviously had issues with trust.
What? Why? You just said you were happier that she left you.
Void, I don't think you understand where urweak is coming from.
If what you're saying is correct, and you really didn't do anything to warrant your wife's doubt over your faithfulness, then you did absolutely nothing wrong in your relationship, and your wife left because she had issues with trusting you that were completely unfounded.
What's confusing is that you seem to be:
A) Blaming your being open about your past for your relationship ending, which is strange because it seems like you're trying to find a way to pin the blame for your relationship ending on you, rather than your wife's mistrust of you which lead her to leave.
B) Acting like your relationship with your wife ending is somehow a bad thing, even though you're not in a relationship with someone who doesn't trust you, and have outright stated that you are happier.
You seem to want to make the case for hiding details about one's past when everything you've said demonstrates the need for openness and transparency in a relationship.
When the relationship is more established & becoming serious, you shouldn't be afraid to talk with your partner about (nonsexual) experiences you had with your ex. They are not entitled to this information but it shouldn't be completely out of question t discuss it. For example, if you used to visit a great place with your ex (restaurant? coffee shop? hiking trail?) that you want to share with your current partner, it would be fine to share that information. Valuable life skills that your ex taught you? Fine. That time that something funny happened? Fine. Pictures from that great vacation you went on? Probably fine, but the more clothes you both have on the better. Focus on discussing the EXPERIENCE, not the people involved if at all possible, but answer any questions honestly.
Your current partner does NOT have a right to know any X-rated activities you may or may not have done that took place in other relationships. This should not be something you bring up in a conversation, ever. If your partner brings it up & you are not comfortable talking about it, don't. Even if you feel like you might be comfortable talking about it, keep what you say to a minimum & don't outright praise the bedroom talents or natural gifts of anyone else.
Your current partner does NOT have a right to hear you talk bad about your ex. In fact, nobody wants to hear things like "he was a cheating misogynist" or "she was a gold-digging ****". Even if it's 100% true, there are better ways to discuss it than ex-bashing. "We had a really great time together at the beginning of the relationship & shared a lot of interests, unfortunately s/he (wasn't looking for the same things I am/didn't have the same values as I do)." If you truly don't have anything good to say about your ex, "That wasn't the greatest time in my life & I'd prefer not to talk about it" is fine if you really don't.
You do have to open up a little. Your current partner is, I'm sure, going to be aware that your life didn't begin the day before they met you. It looks shady to be completely closed off about previous experiences, & your life is certainly someone else's business if you choose to share your life with them. Talk as much as you feel comfortable but do not close off the conversation completely.
When did you start being "open" with your wife?
Unless you talked about the relationships before you were married, I would argue that this would be case of your not being open enough. In this instance, if you had been open with her since the beginning then the mistrust would have emerged earlier and the two of you should have never married.
Also, even if you had not been open, the secret may have inadvertently got out through a friend, ex-girlfriend, or family member. It could be through casual conversation or your partner could be sneaky about it and talk to them behind your back. Do you really want to have relationships that hinge on keeping a secret shut?
The best approach is to have everything out in the open early in the relationship so that if the other person feels uncomfortable, they can feel free to walk away.
No. You say nothing.
Making your personal problem into your relationship's problem is at best stupid and at worst selfish and destructive.
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How is cheating on your partner a personal problem and not a relationship problem? That's clearly a relationship problem. When you think of an example of a serious problem in a relationship, that's the example you think of.
Recognize you just argued that being honest about cheating on a partner is selfish while not telling them isn't, and just how completely disingenuous that is.
Honesty is not always the best policy in relationships.
EDITED TO ADD - sorry, I didn't mean to double post. I got an error message when I tried to post this. Actual thought went into the post below.
Yes, being honest about cheating is selfish. It will probably destroy the relationship. When your partner doesn't know, and there's no reasonable chance of them finding out, sharing with them that you cheated on them is selfish. If you never tell them, the worst that happens is that you are burdened with guilt. If you share, things can get much worse for them. Since sharing it will not benefit them, your motivation can't accurately be said to be altruistic. It can only be selfish.
Thus.
I'm not coming out of left field with this. Most relationship experts agree that there is no benefit to extreme honesty in a relationship.
If you have an argument that is based in reality and not emotional judgement, I'd be more than happy to read it.
When I'm counseling someone who has cheated, my recommendation is always one of two things - either break up with the person, or don't do it again and never tell them.
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You're advocating lying to a person and perpetuating a relationship that is built on falsehood because you don't wish to be found out how you betrayed that person's trust.
That's completely selfish.
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