I am writing this to blow off some steam and get some advice. My wife owns a small retail business. It is a nice shop in a touristy area and part of a unique little strip in our town with a coffee shop and some restaurants and our LGS. It is not jsut another strip mall, it is pretty cool. But that aside, I HATE the business, it drives me nuts and I want to be out of it.
Some history. She bought it 2 years ago while we were dating. I that it was a bad idea. I told her I was concerned about it but I did not try and talk her out of it. In fact I took the lead on all the business arrangements because she felt like she was not able to do it alone, this should have been a red flag, but I wanted her to be happy and this was her dream.
She paid cash for the business, and it is all her money, none of mine is tied up in it. But, she had never held a job prior to this. The first few months were awesome, she loved it. We made a lot of new friends and people really appreciated the business and the changes she was making. We made a lot of money through that first tourist season. Then she slowly started burning out and hiring more employees. The person who owned it before us had one employee, she has 6. We make almost no money because we pay all these employees. Sometimes we make no money.
My wife has no real management skills. She gets angry at the employees because they dont do what she wants but she never ever talks to them about it. Instead she brings all of her resentment home and dumps it on me, she tells me how frustrated she is, how stressed she is, how terrible she feels, how balancing the budget is hard. But when I raise a solution it turns into an argument. She is living with huge amounts of stress that she vents to me, and then I feel negatively and concerned. If I tell her that I cant deal with it then she accuses me of not supporting her.
I have told her a couple times to get out of it because it is ruining her life she gets upset and cries and claims she loves it and it makes her happy, but its not and it is getting worse.
I love my wife, she is an amazing person and I feel guilty sometimes that I am not supporting her desire to keep the business, but I feel like I am supporting her long term happiness. I really dont know what to do I just want my happy go lucky wife back. I make enough money to support us we dont need the store. I wish I knew what to do.
Magickware has the right idea. Your wife's identity and self-worth are tied up into that business, don't forget that. This seems like a problem for your relationship, not for the business. You may be able to convince her to take some business management classes in that context.
Instead she brings all of her resentment home and dumps it on me, she tells me how frustrated she is, how stressed she is, how terrible she feels, how balancing the budget is hard. But when I raise a solution it turns into an argument.
Sometimes we need to hear things from those that are not close to us to understand them. I do not know how much events such as business/management seminars cost around where you live, but it might help her more if it was not you telling her how to run the business. Even if the other person would tell her the exact same things. We tend to try to be brave and independent to prove things to those close to us, which makes it harder to listen to them.
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The Sage is occupied with the unspoken
and acts without effort.
Teaching without verbosity,
producing without possessing,
creating without regard to result,
claiming nothing,
the Sage has nothing to lose.
We don't have many relationship issues. We don't really even "fight" about the business. It is more that I am concerned for her emotional well being.
If you're not paying yourself for the time invested into the company, and the family is losing money because of her mismanagement and she's not listening to your needs as well as the needs of the family. Then you have a problem with communication and knowing when to fold or knuckle up.
You have a financial issue that can and will translate into a relationship issue at some point. Concern for her well being is a good start, but here's the thing in two regards:
1. People will not give up when they have a lot invested into something, even if the punishing effects are taking a toll on their lives
2. People will go to great lengths and great loss to punish others that they feel deserve it
Those two mechanisms while "not making sense" to "outsiders" with regard to the situation, but in those conditions then the situation either has to reach a point of burn out or climax or intervention.
Considering your wife is #1, then the question comes down to having someone else look at the books and give some basic advice to either change or leave the business. Whether that's a mentor, consultant, or whatever. It needs to be done.
The question to look at is to sell, but also something that keeps her attention and a way out or a way to mutate the business in such a business that:
1. You, plural, are getting paid
2. Something she enjoys
The conversation if she's not willing to sell, is to set benchmarks for her to sell. For example, if you're not making a certain profit margin by a certain time period. Then it's sell time. The issue here is that "business" is a broad term and can do many things if it's legal and can sell.
Seriously, she needs to analyze what her true passions are and what she sucks at. You hire people to deal with what you suck at, and focus on what you're good at. There's a plethora of books out there, like One Minute Manager that can help to teach some concepts behind "good communication" but that takes a lot of patience and practice to learn to be "good with people." If she's not one for people, then you need a strong manager, if providing to be profitable, or to sell outright. If you get a store manager to handle day to day operations, and she can focus on other areas to expand the business such as online retail or creating handmade products to sell.
Does she cook? Does she do crafts? Does she like writing? Does she do programming? Is there something that she can do that can add value to her own business that when tested to provide results if it fails or whatever she can back out of it?
If you aren't making a profit, then it's not a business. That's a charity to your employees, even when they're wonderful people.
As an aside, when you say "wife's money" and "not my money." In a marriage, it's both of your's money if you file as a couple. Even then, if you divorce 50% assets and all that without a prenup. You have a vested interest in her success beyond just being a good husband, it's about being a good partner.
Overall, she may just need to start a business on her own she's more passionate about or work for someone else for a while and then try to build up a business on the side while keeping the small store's capital on the side. There are other ways such as reinvesting that money into some sort of funds until she needs it for something else, like a rental property or some other active investment.
But yea you need a third party to tell her that, and offer up some suggestions. "This isn't working, let's try something else. Set bench marks, if misery still exists bail. Next plan."
I agree with Jay13x, but beyond that she can go online to corsea and other such things as well as lecturers online and the like to really read up on business to self educate. They're freer than seminars. Used books, whatever it takes. There's also networking through the local Chambers that she could probably talk to for advice as well quite easily. Many business people are rather approachable. There are also lunches, breakfasts, where business people just talk to each other about their businesses and hear things out. She needs to have business friends who will tell her the way things are and advise her on what she needs to do as well to make her more money.
Then there's just times when some people don't have a knack to have their own business and should be working for someone else.
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It rather does sound like you do. Do you say you don't fight because you're able to have an honest conversation about this, or do you not fight because any attempt to converse about this is dismissed by one of the parties involved?
Selling the business may not be the right decision either. Can/Will she get a job? The problem isn't the business itself, but maybe self management.
My advice is to get a professional business coach, or she she join a business association to get outside assistance. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that you don't run a business yourself. So maybe your advice isn't the best.
We don't have many relationship issues. We don't really even "fight" about the business. It is more that I am concerned for her emotional well being.
A couple's therapist isn't merely meant to deal with people on the brink of divorce or whatnot. The therapist is simply meant to help you two work out your differences on things. As Amadi stated, it helps a lot to hear the same thing from another person for a number of reasons. I detest getting advice from my brother, but when my mother or father give me the very same advice, I'm willing to listen.
Hierarchy is a very big thing in human social interactions, and it could very well be that your wife simply wants to show herself as capable of independence from you. Given that you opposed the store from the very beginning, her admitting failure would be tantamount to admitting that she is entirely dependent on you. No one likes that, not even the most submissive of individuals.
But if someone else told her that, then she may be more receptive to listening.
Even completely happy couples (if such a thing could possibly exist...) should be meeting a couple's therapist every once in a while. If nothing else than to validate the fact that the relationship truly is solid and you're both perfectly happy.
I would have to say find ways to help support her and help her be more successful. Even though it's "her thing" i think you should take it on more as a team, rather than... "hey you really suck at this why don't you call it quits." Even if it fails she'll know you had her back and were encouraging her.
Sunken cost fallacy. It's blah. This is a very hard problem for people in general. Long term, there needs to be communication in the relationship and about the business and probably seperatly.
I am writing this to blow off some steam and get some advice. My wife owns a small retail business. It is a nice shop in a touristy area and part of a unique little strip in our town with a coffee shop and some restaurants and our LGS. It is not jsut another strip mall, it is pretty cool. But that aside, I HATE the business, it drives me nuts and I want to be out of it.
Some history. She bought it 2 years ago while we were dating. I that it was a bad idea. I told her I was concerned about it but I did not try and talk her out of it. In fact I took the lead on all the business arrangements because she felt like she was not able to do it alone, this should have been a red flag, but I wanted her to be happy and this was her dream.
She paid cash for the business, and it is all her money, none of mine is tied up in it. But, she had never held a job prior to this. The first few months were awesome, she loved it. We made a lot of new friends and people really appreciated the business and the changes she was making. We made a lot of money through that first tourist season. Then she slowly started burning out and hiring more employees. The person who owned it before us had one employee, she has 6. We make almost no money because we pay all these employees. Sometimes we make no money.
My wife has no real management skills. She gets angry at the employees because they dont do what she wants but she never ever talks to them about it. Instead she brings all of her resentment home and dumps it on me, she tells me how frustrated she is, how stressed she is, how terrible she feels, how balancing the budget is hard. But when I raise a solution it turns into an argument. She is living with huge amounts of stress that she vents to me, and then I feel negatively and concerned. If I tell her that I cant deal with it then she accuses me of not supporting her.
I have told her a couple times to get out of it because it is ruining her life she gets upset and cries and claims she loves it and it makes her happy, but its not and it is getting worse.
I love my wife, she is an amazing person and I feel guilty sometimes that I am not supporting her desire to keep the business, but I feel like I am supporting her long term happiness. I really dont know what to do I just want my happy go lucky wife back. I make enough money to support us we dont need the store. I wish I knew what to do.
Or, just in general, try to bring in a therapist who can talk to your wife about her feelings towards the situation.
Magickware has the right idea. Your wife's identity and self-worth are tied up into that business, don't forget that. This seems like a problem for your relationship, not for the business. You may be able to convince her to take some business management classes in that context.
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Sometimes we need to hear things from those that are not close to us to understand them. I do not know how much events such as business/management seminars cost around where you live, but it might help her more if it was not you telling her how to run the business. Even if the other person would tell her the exact same things. We tend to try to be brave and independent to prove things to those close to us, which makes it harder to listen to them.
and acts without effort.
Teaching without verbosity,
producing without possessing,
creating without regard to result,
claiming nothing,
the Sage has nothing to lose.
If you're not paying yourself for the time invested into the company, and the family is losing money because of her mismanagement and she's not listening to your needs as well as the needs of the family. Then you have a problem with communication and knowing when to fold or knuckle up.
You have a financial issue that can and will translate into a relationship issue at some point. Concern for her well being is a good start, but here's the thing in two regards:
1. People will not give up when they have a lot invested into something, even if the punishing effects are taking a toll on their lives
2. People will go to great lengths and great loss to punish others that they feel deserve it
Those two mechanisms while "not making sense" to "outsiders" with regard to the situation, but in those conditions then the situation either has to reach a point of burn out or climax or intervention.
Considering your wife is #1, then the question comes down to having someone else look at the books and give some basic advice to either change or leave the business. Whether that's a mentor, consultant, or whatever. It needs to be done.
The question to look at is to sell, but also something that keeps her attention and a way out or a way to mutate the business in such a business that:
1. You, plural, are getting paid
2. Something she enjoys
The conversation if she's not willing to sell, is to set benchmarks for her to sell. For example, if you're not making a certain profit margin by a certain time period. Then it's sell time. The issue here is that "business" is a broad term and can do many things if it's legal and can sell.
Seriously, she needs to analyze what her true passions are and what she sucks at. You hire people to deal with what you suck at, and focus on what you're good at. There's a plethora of books out there, like One Minute Manager that can help to teach some concepts behind "good communication" but that takes a lot of patience and practice to learn to be "good with people." If she's not one for people, then you need a strong manager, if providing to be profitable, or to sell outright. If you get a store manager to handle day to day operations, and she can focus on other areas to expand the business such as online retail or creating handmade products to sell.
Does she cook? Does she do crafts? Does she like writing? Does she do programming? Is there something that she can do that can add value to her own business that when tested to provide results if it fails or whatever she can back out of it?
If you aren't making a profit, then it's not a business. That's a charity to your employees, even when they're wonderful people.
As an aside, when you say "wife's money" and "not my money." In a marriage, it's both of your's money if you file as a couple. Even then, if you divorce 50% assets and all that without a prenup. You have a vested interest in her success beyond just being a good husband, it's about being a good partner.
Overall, she may just need to start a business on her own she's more passionate about or work for someone else for a while and then try to build up a business on the side while keeping the small store's capital on the side. There are other ways such as reinvesting that money into some sort of funds until she needs it for something else, like a rental property or some other active investment.
But yea you need a third party to tell her that, and offer up some suggestions. "This isn't working, let's try something else. Set bench marks, if misery still exists bail. Next plan."
I agree with Jay13x, but beyond that she can go online to corsea and other such things as well as lecturers online and the like to really read up on business to self educate. They're freer than seminars. Used books, whatever it takes. There's also networking through the local Chambers that she could probably talk to for advice as well quite easily. Many business people are rather approachable. There are also lunches, breakfasts, where business people just talk to each other about their businesses and hear things out. She needs to have business friends who will tell her the way things are and advise her on what she needs to do as well to make her more money.
Then there's just times when some people don't have a knack to have their own business and should be working for someone else.
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It rather does sound like you do. Do you say you don't fight because you're able to have an honest conversation about this, or do you not fight because any attempt to converse about this is dismissed by one of the parties involved?
My advice is to get a professional business coach, or she she join a business association to get outside assistance. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that you don't run a business yourself. So maybe your advice isn't the best.
A couple's therapist isn't merely meant to deal with people on the brink of divorce or whatnot. The therapist is simply meant to help you two work out your differences on things. As Amadi stated, it helps a lot to hear the same thing from another person for a number of reasons. I detest getting advice from my brother, but when my mother or father give me the very same advice, I'm willing to listen.
Hierarchy is a very big thing in human social interactions, and it could very well be that your wife simply wants to show herself as capable of independence from you. Given that you opposed the store from the very beginning, her admitting failure would be tantamount to admitting that she is entirely dependent on you. No one likes that, not even the most submissive of individuals.
But if someone else told her that, then she may be more receptive to listening.
Even completely happy couples (if such a thing could possibly exist...) should be meeting a couple's therapist every once in a while. If nothing else than to validate the fact that the relationship truly is solid and you're both perfectly happy.
Simply posting the equivalent of 'that's what you get' in RLA is considered spam - Jay13x
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