So two years ago I broke up with a guy I'd been with for 3 years. He had substance abuse issues and had begun to be abusive towards me. I'm not a terribly vengeful person and so we remained friends. Over the past two years it came out that he didn't love me throughout our romantic relationship but now he is in love with me(and now I don't love him!). The tragedy of our situation isn't lost on either of us and he's been asking for a second chance. I've been quite clear in saying that I don't want to start over with him and would prefer to remain friends with benefits. He agreed to that but every once in a while he'll cry about how much he's changed and wants to get back together. Seriously, nothing is a bigger mood killer than having a guy sob loudly and uncontrollably after sex because he can't accept reality. I know for a fact he has not changed at all! He's a self-centered **** who is addicted to cannabis and alcohol and has gender dysphoria issues. I've felt terribly uncomfortable dealing with him lately and it feels like a good time to stop hanging out with him.
I know I'm not a perfect person. I've done some emotional damage to this guy and for the most part have acknowledged and apologized for it. It's just that my life is coming together right now and my relationship with him is the biggest negative. I'm about to graduate from community college, am transferring to a 4 year school to study social work, and have a guaranteed job waiting for me this summer. I am back in counseling and ready to deal with my depression and ADHD in a constructive manner. I wish he could be a part of that but he wants me to be his mother/personal savior and I am simply not capable of being that right now nor would I ever want to be anyway.
Should I just shun him or try to be graceful about this? Moral superiority would have been important to me two years ago but now I'm just cutting out the least important and most draining aspects of my life. He has threatened to kill himself several times in the past, which I now know was just a way to try and control me, and there are these two parts of me at war about that. The social worker in me wants to ensure that he comes to no harm but the humanist in me wants to respect his right to live or die as he chooses. There's a small chance that he'll become vengeful and try to strike out at me but at this point its an acceptable risk.
Toxic people can never enrich your life. You've identified him as toxic, you need to get away. I would try ONE time graceful exit (hint: it's not going to work, but you can try), and then DUCK him forever. He's trying to contain you with psychological tricks. You should've left him at the first sign of physical abuse.
Time goes forward, you've already learned your lessons, he has to learn his, on his own time. When you're wasting time with him, you could easily miss out on something good.
If the guy wants to be more than just friends with benefits, having sex with him is probably the worst possible thing to do. If you really care about him in the slightest, cut him out of your life for now, maybe try being friends again in a few years, after he moves on.
So two years ago I broke up with a guy I'd been with for 3 years. He had substance abuse issues and had begun to be abusive towards me. I'm not a terribly vengeful person and so we remained friends. Over the past two years it came out that he didn't love me throughout our romantic relationship but now he is in love with me(and now I don't love him!). The tragedy of our situation
No disrespect, Bitsy, but "tragedy" is not the appropriate word to use here. This guy was an ********, you left him and moved on. That's not tragic, that's how you hope a situation like that would end.
isn't lost on either of us and he's been asking for a second chance. I've been quite clear in saying that I don't want to start over with him
Good.
friends with benefits.
No... Why?
I know I'm not a perfect person. I've done some emotional damage to this guy
You're going to apologize for breaking up with a substance abusing, Bitsy abusing boyfriend? Why?
The only thing I think you've done that's pretty selfish is trying to pull the "friends with benefits" thing.
Should I just shun him or try to be graceful about this?
You do what you probably should have done when you broke up with him, which is tell him exactly what you said here, and disconnect him from your life. Your entire post has been a laundry list of negativity that this guy has brought you. Why would you put up with that?
If a friend came to you and told you what you have posted, what would you advise? If it's something like what I've said, why would you not do the same?
Be absolute and certain. Break things up with no uncertain words.
But be cautious afterwards. The guy doesn't really sound stable from how you're putting it, and unstable people can do... unpredictable things. Especially if they've abused you before.
You definitely need to just make it clear that you're done, and stop everything. You are not responsible for this guy's problems, as you've already stated, and I seriously doubt you caused any additional damage that wasn't already there. If he's made you feel guilty about something, it's because he's an manipulative ********, not because you're actually at fault for anything but a few bad decisions. Just remember in the future that FWB can get messy and don't engage with your ex's because that's pretty much a guarantee for a messy situation. You've got school to focus on and you really don't need that drama in your life.
And remember, you don't owe him anything, despite what he might say or imply. You don't have to give him an explanation he will find reasonable, you just have to make yourself clear that you're no longer interested in the Friends or FWB situation and that you need to move on with your life.
I know I'm not a perfect person. I've done some emotional damage to this guy and for the most part have acknowledged and apologized for it. It's just that my life is coming together right now and my relationship with him is the biggest negative. I'm about to graduate from community college, am transferring to a 4 year school to study social work, and have a guaranteed job waiting for me this summer. I am back in counseling and ready to deal with my depression and ADHD in a constructive manner. I wish he could be a part of that but he wants me to be his mother/personal savior and I am simply not capable of being that right now nor would I ever want to be anyway.
Should I just shun him or try to be graceful about this? Moral superiority would have been important to me two years ago but now I'm just cutting out the least important and most draining aspects of my life. He has threatened to kill himself several times in the past, which I now know was just a way to try and control me, and there are these two parts of me at war about that. The social worker in me wants to ensure that he comes to no harm but the humanist in me wants to respect his right to live or die as he chooses. There's a small chance that he'll become vengeful and try to strike out at me but at this point its an acceptable risk.
Time goes forward, you've already learned your lessons, he has to learn his, on his own time. When you're wasting time with him, you could easily miss out on something good.
Good.
No... Why?
You're going to apologize for breaking up with a substance abusing, Bitsy abusing boyfriend? Why?
The only thing I think you've done that's pretty selfish is trying to pull the "friends with benefits" thing.
You do what you probably should have done when you broke up with him, which is tell him exactly what you said here, and disconnect him from your life. Your entire post has been a laundry list of negativity that this guy has brought you. Why would you put up with that?
If a friend came to you and told you what you have posted, what would you advise? If it's something like what I've said, why would you not do the same?
But be cautious afterwards. The guy doesn't really sound stable from how you're putting it, and unstable people can do... unpredictable things. Especially if they've abused you before.
And remember, you don't owe him anything, despite what he might say or imply. You don't have to give him an explanation he will find reasonable, you just have to make yourself clear that you're no longer interested in the Friends or FWB situation and that you need to move on with your life.
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