So today I was in line getting dinner at my favorite place on my college campus. I noticed in front of me was a guy who appeared high or mildly drunk as he was pacing around singing to himself. As he was doing his erratic movements, he bumped into me and I reacted by pushing him off. This turned him into an animated state when he got up in my face and asked me why I pushed him. I told him that he backed up into me and told him he should watch where he was going. He told me to calm down before trying to silencing me with obscenities. He jokingly said that he would make every effort to make sure that it wouldn't happen again. He turned back around to order his food, but would turn his head to look back at me a couple times. When we were waiting for our food, he started using profanities and demanded that I apologize to him. After saying nothing and just calmly listening to him insulting me, he tripped on his words by saying I shouldn't apologize which I caught him on. He turned away from this for a couple moments to gather himself and asked if I wanted to fight him. He got closer to me and threatened me with insults saying that he better not see me around campus. I just told him it's done and I was in no mood to start anything. Although I could defend myself, I was pretty tired and was there just to get food.
I realize now that pushing him off was not the best idea and I started it, but now I'm really depressed and worried about this encounter. However, this is my first real argument with a stranger who threatened to get physical. I've had minor arguments and disagreements with friends but not where someone I didn't know got as pissed as he did. Even though this is my first argument, it will undoubtedly not be my last. I think the reason he got more aggressive is because he noticed that I was avoiding confrontation and jumped at the opportunity to insult me when I was trying to keep my cool. Should have I been more assertive rather than passive in this situation? I was afraid to start a fight since he was coming off like he wanted a reaction to start something. Also there's the possibility I might chance upon him again especially since it was in the cafeteria. The campus is huge with a large number of students and the probability is pretty low. However, what should I do if he does recognize me in public?
There is nothing good that can come from confronting someone in a situation like this. I'm going to be a little harsh when discussing this, but only because you could have gotten yourself hurt in an unnecessary confrontation, and I want you to understand the seriousness of acting like you did. Shoving a drunk guy is a good way to get a black eye.
So he bumped into you, and you pushed him why? Was he still on you or touching you?
The worst thing you could have done is be more aggressive (not assertive, aggressive). There are many ways to assert yourself in a good way, but escalating a confrontation you started is not one of them. He did not get more aggressive because you failed to assert yourself, and you did not keep your cool, you only regained your composure (you can't keep your cool if you didn't start out cool). You need to understand both of those things right away, because it's important that you learn to control whatever impulse caused you to push him in the first place, because that's not appropriate. Shoving someone because they bumped into you and then telling them off is juvenile and aggressive. It's also not going to play well if you have to explain it to campus security.
From the other guy's point of view, he was happy and minding his own business and bumped you by accident. You shoved him, and then apparently responded with enough aggressiveness that the drunk guy told you to calm down. By that point, he was understandably upset, even if he wasn't drunk. And now you're worried you weren't aggressive enough. It doesn't sound too good, does it?
The only smart thing you did was refuse to escalate it further when you realized the consequences of acting like a macho tough guy. So what exactly was to be gained from this whole scenario? Was some misguided sense of justice satisfied? Do you think the drunk guy learned his lesson when confronted? Or is it more likely that he just remembers some ******** who ruined his buzz for no reason? What do you think would happen if you were more 'assertive', is it more likely that he would stop and say 'You're right random cafeteria shover, I should re-evaluate my life', or do you think he'd just get more aggressive in response?
Think of this as an important life lesson about what happens when you give in to aggression. You have nothing to prove, especially not to the random drunk guy in the food line. The best thing you can do in a situation like that is not respond and let it escalate further. If a 'tough guy' feels challenged (and especially a drunk), he'll feel like he has to respond and 'assert' himself. He will learn nothing from the encounter - if he wasn't self-reflective already, he won't learn anything from a random guy calling him out. It's not your job, nor is it possible, for you to stop an ******** from acting like an ********. All you can do by acting aggressively is add another ******** to the problem, and make yourself an enemy.
So don't start something in the future unless there is a damn good reason for starting a fight, and the only good reason to get into a fight is when someone's safety is at stake.
As far as your fears, IF he remembers you, the guy probably doesn't care about you and the worst thing he's going to do at this point is glare at you if he sees you on campus. Possibly he will talk smack about you to whoever he is with at the time, but I seriously doubt he's brooding over getting pushed and looking for revenge. Just ignore him and you'll be fine.
Bottom Line: You don't need to worry about this guy, nothing will come of it. Just remember this feeling the next time you feel the need to prove yourself. It's not worth it.+
I really appreciate your response and the time to make it. I didn't mention that I was looking at my phone at the time. When he bumped into me, it was a natural reaction for me to push off. I don't think 'shove' is the right word in the sense that I caused him to stumble or exerted a lot of force. It was more of an instinctive reaction on my part. I wasn't planning on starting anything and if it seems like I did, it wasn't my intention. If I do find myself in this situation again, is it best just to let the other person go off on you? Like there was no way to be assertive without causing an escalation? The thing is that he came back as the aggressor the second time around. The first time he came off like he was defending his pride which was understandable. But did my passive behavior cause him to go on the offensive? But I realize the severity of the situation I got myself in and will think twice about causing this to happen again.
Did you apologize for shoving him and explain to him calmly that it was just a reaction on your part?
No I didn't apologize to him, but I tried to explain that it was a reaction on my part. At the time I felt that if I gave in his demands to apologize, he would have smelled blood and acted on it because he thinks he will be in the right to go off. Either way, it panned out the same.
Did you apologize for shoving him and explain to him calmly that it was just a reaction on your part?
No I didn't apologize to him, but I tried to explain that it was a reaction on my part. At the time I felt that if I gave in his demands to apologize, he would have smelled blood and acted on it because he thinks he will be in the right to go off. Either way, it panned out the same.
If he was drunk or high, it may have been easier to defuse the situation by giving into that demand for an apology. The concession doesn't cost you anything if you are looking to get through the situation peaceably. It's my experience that people like this will take that little bit of "pride" they earned from forcing you to apologize and huff away indignantly, believing themselves the winner. If he still would have threatened you physically after trying to be as peaceful as possible, then looking for outside help might have been useful. It's a lot easier to get help from bystanders when you are obviously trying to find a peaceful solution.
If he really was just looking for you to be aggressive and you are not comfortable with that, then leave the situation entirely. Walk away. Don't give him a fight. There's nothing wrong with leaving what seems to be a situation that cannot be solved through peaceful means.
If I do find myself in this situation again, is it best just to let the other person go off on you? Like there was no way to be assertive without causing an escalation?
It depends on what you mean by 'go off'. If he's trying to be physical you should definitely defend yourself. But if he's just throwing insults at you, it's best to ignore him unless it seems to be making him angrier. The key is to defuse the situation, not do anything that would provoke a reaction. You can be assertive, as long as you aren't aggressive, but it's often hard for people to tell the difference. Just make sure that when being assertive, your body language and what you're saying won't come across as aggressive. For instance, saying 'Watch where you are going' comes across as a challenge.
The thing is that he came back as the aggressor the second time around. The first time he came off like he was defending his pride which was understandable. But did my passive behavior cause him to go on the offensive? But I realize the severity of the situation I got myself in and will think twice about causing this to happen again.
Your passive behavior didn't cause him to go on the offensive. Your lack of reply might have, but he was probably going to rant at you for getting pushed regardless. It didn't really matter what you followed up with, he was going to be aggressive in reply until his pride was salved.
If you had also tried to go on the offensive, it might have been more than insults that got hurled. People who are in an aggressive state of mind aren't thinking rationally, and it's always better to defuse a situation, even if you have to pretend to take blame for something that isn't your fault. It may hurt your pride a little bit, but it's better than getting into a fight with someone you don't know.
And trust me, as an EMT I've seen plenty of macho tough guys get taken to the hospital from fights that started over something stupid. And when you get alcohol or drugs involved, all bets are off. Just remember that you don't know who random people are or what they're capable of. There are stories all over the news these days about what should have been minor confrontations escalating into shootings. Most people find it hard to justify coming at someone who is apologetic and non-confrontational, while they'll happily accept the challenge of someone trying to assert themselves as the dominant one in the dynamic.
Edit: I should note that, due to stuff that happened in my childhood, I was a very angry person. It's taken a lot to learn to control and redirect those impulses, which are often irrational. If you had shoved me, your best bet would have been to just be apologetic. Even if it wounds your own pride, it would have kept an irrational kid Jay13x from tackling you on the playground.
I really appreciate your response and the time to make it. I didn't mention that I was looking at my phone at the time.
Next time, don't look at the phone while walking =P Or develop a method of having some awareness. Having no awareness of the situation around you is never a good thing. You might walk into a pole, or into a pot-hole, or into water fountains!
When he bumped into me, it was a natural reaction for me to push off. I don't think 'shove' is the right word in the sense that I caused him to stumble or exerted a lot of force. It was more of an instinctive reaction on my part. I wasn't planning on starting anything and if it seems like I did, it wasn't my intention.
Look up what shove means on any random internet dictionary. You shoved him. It doesn't matter what your intentions are in case, because you already started a confrontation. With a drunk guy, no less...
No I didn't apologize to him, but I tried to explain that it was a reaction on my part. At the time I felt that if I gave in his demands to apologize, he would have smelled blood and acted on it because he thinks he will be in the right to go off. Either way, it panned out the same.
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If I do find myself in this situation again, is it best just to let the other person go off on you? Like there was no way to be assertive without causing an escalation? The thing is that he came back as the aggressor the second time around. The first time he came off like he was defending his pride which was understandable. But did my passive behavior cause him to go on the offensive? But I realize the severity of the situation I got myself in and will think twice about causing this to happen again.
This is merged with another post, but they're of the same train of thought so I merged them. You keep making yourself out as the "victim", or at least the guy who didn't instigate the confrontation. That is patently false.
You shoved him. You have to understand that it's one thing to just bump into someone by accident and bounce off, and another thing to shove them when you make contact. If it was just a reaction on your part, then you could have easily just apologized with no harm done. If they still went up on you, then you could have been assertive with all rights to you. You apologized and he didn't accept it. Who's at fault now then?
He came back as an aggressor because, to him, you were the aggressor. Whether it's true or not, he thought that you were being aggressive and he didn't like that one bit.
And make no mistake, you were hardly passive.
I mean, you said "I told him that he backed up into me and told him he should watch where he was going." If anyone told me that after I bumped into him/her, then I'd think he's a jerk. I mean, you should be watching where you're going, shouldn't you? You admitted that you weren't paying attention.
In terms of confrontations like this, being assertive=being aggressive for the most part. Unless your life or something valuable is on the line, it is always better to just give way. Like Jay13x said, it is always better to defuse a situation as best as you can. That will typically require you to apologize first. If it means that you won't have to face a real possibility of a fight, then that's great.
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I realize now that pushing him off was not the best idea and I started it, but now I'm really depressed and worried about this encounter. However, this is my first real argument with a stranger who threatened to get physical. I've had minor arguments and disagreements with friends but not where someone I didn't know got as pissed as he did. Even though this is my first argument, it will undoubtedly not be my last. I think the reason he got more aggressive is because he noticed that I was avoiding confrontation and jumped at the opportunity to insult me when I was trying to keep my cool. Should have I been more assertive rather than passive in this situation? I was afraid to start a fight since he was coming off like he wanted a reaction to start something. Also there's the possibility I might chance upon him again especially since it was in the cafeteria. The campus is huge with a large number of students and the probability is pretty low. However, what should I do if he does recognize me in public?
Credit to Heroes of the Plane Studios for the Avatar & Miraculous Recovery for the Banner.
My 540 Card Cube (WIP)
So he bumped into you, and you pushed him why? Was he still on you or touching you?
The worst thing you could have done is be more aggressive (not assertive, aggressive). There are many ways to assert yourself in a good way, but escalating a confrontation you started is not one of them. He did not get more aggressive because you failed to assert yourself, and you did not keep your cool, you only regained your composure (you can't keep your cool if you didn't start out cool). You need to understand both of those things right away, because it's important that you learn to control whatever impulse caused you to push him in the first place, because that's not appropriate. Shoving someone because they bumped into you and then telling them off is juvenile and aggressive. It's also not going to play well if you have to explain it to campus security.
From the other guy's point of view, he was happy and minding his own business and bumped you by accident. You shoved him, and then apparently responded with enough aggressiveness that the drunk guy told you to calm down. By that point, he was understandably upset, even if he wasn't drunk. And now you're worried you weren't aggressive enough. It doesn't sound too good, does it?
The only smart thing you did was refuse to escalate it further when you realized the consequences of acting like a macho tough guy. So what exactly was to be gained from this whole scenario? Was some misguided sense of justice satisfied? Do you think the drunk guy learned his lesson when confronted? Or is it more likely that he just remembers some ******** who ruined his buzz for no reason? What do you think would happen if you were more 'assertive', is it more likely that he would stop and say 'You're right random cafeteria shover, I should re-evaluate my life', or do you think he'd just get more aggressive in response?
Think of this as an important life lesson about what happens when you give in to aggression. You have nothing to prove, especially not to the random drunk guy in the food line. The best thing you can do in a situation like that is not respond and let it escalate further. If a 'tough guy' feels challenged (and especially a drunk), he'll feel like he has to respond and 'assert' himself. He will learn nothing from the encounter - if he wasn't self-reflective already, he won't learn anything from a random guy calling him out. It's not your job, nor is it possible, for you to stop an ******** from acting like an ********. All you can do by acting aggressively is add another ******** to the problem, and make yourself an enemy.
So don't start something in the future unless there is a damn good reason for starting a fight, and the only good reason to get into a fight is when someone's safety is at stake.
As far as your fears, IF he remembers you, the guy probably doesn't care about you and the worst thing he's going to do at this point is glare at you if he sees you on campus. Possibly he will talk smack about you to whoever he is with at the time, but I seriously doubt he's brooding over getting pushed and looking for revenge. Just ignore him and you'll be fine.
Bottom Line: You don't need to worry about this guy, nothing will come of it. Just remember this feeling the next time you feel the need to prove yourself. It's not worth it.+
TerribleBad at Magic since 1998.A Vorthos Guide to Magic Story | Twitter | Tumblr
[Primer] Krenko | Azor | Kess | Zacama | Kumena | Sram | The Ur-Dragon | Edgar Markov | Daretti | Marath
Credit to Heroes of the Plane Studios for the Avatar & Miraculous Recovery for the Banner.
My 540 Card Cube (WIP)
No I didn't apologize to him, but I tried to explain that it was a reaction on my part. At the time I felt that if I gave in his demands to apologize, he would have smelled blood and acted on it because he thinks he will be in the right to go off. Either way, it panned out the same.
Credit to Heroes of the Plane Studios for the Avatar & Miraculous Recovery for the Banner.
My 540 Card Cube (WIP)
If he was drunk or high, it may have been easier to defuse the situation by giving into that demand for an apology. The concession doesn't cost you anything if you are looking to get through the situation peaceably. It's my experience that people like this will take that little bit of "pride" they earned from forcing you to apologize and huff away indignantly, believing themselves the winner. If he still would have threatened you physically after trying to be as peaceful as possible, then looking for outside help might have been useful. It's a lot easier to get help from bystanders when you are obviously trying to find a peaceful solution.
If he really was just looking for you to be aggressive and you are not comfortable with that, then leave the situation entirely. Walk away. Don't give him a fight. There's nothing wrong with leaving what seems to be a situation that cannot be solved through peaceful means.
It depends on what you mean by 'go off'. If he's trying to be physical you should definitely defend yourself. But if he's just throwing insults at you, it's best to ignore him unless it seems to be making him angrier. The key is to defuse the situation, not do anything that would provoke a reaction. You can be assertive, as long as you aren't aggressive, but it's often hard for people to tell the difference. Just make sure that when being assertive, your body language and what you're saying won't come across as aggressive. For instance, saying 'Watch where you are going' comes across as a challenge.
Your passive behavior didn't cause him to go on the offensive. Your lack of reply might have, but he was probably going to rant at you for getting pushed regardless. It didn't really matter what you followed up with, he was going to be aggressive in reply until his pride was salved.
If you had also tried to go on the offensive, it might have been more than insults that got hurled. People who are in an aggressive state of mind aren't thinking rationally, and it's always better to defuse a situation, even if you have to pretend to take blame for something that isn't your fault. It may hurt your pride a little bit, but it's better than getting into a fight with someone you don't know.
And trust me, as an EMT I've seen plenty of macho tough guys get taken to the hospital from fights that started over something stupid. And when you get alcohol or drugs involved, all bets are off. Just remember that you don't know who random people are or what they're capable of. There are stories all over the news these days about what should have been minor confrontations escalating into shootings. Most people find it hard to justify coming at someone who is apologetic and non-confrontational, while they'll happily accept the challenge of someone trying to assert themselves as the dominant one in the dynamic.
Edit: I should note that, due to stuff that happened in my childhood, I was a very angry person. It's taken a lot to learn to control and redirect those impulses, which are often irrational. If you had shoved me, your best bet would have been to just be apologetic. Even if it wounds your own pride, it would have kept an irrational kid Jay13x from tackling you on the playground.
TerribleBad at Magic since 1998.A Vorthos Guide to Magic Story | Twitter | Tumblr
[Primer] Krenko | Azor | Kess | Zacama | Kumena | Sram | The Ur-Dragon | Edgar Markov | Daretti | Marath
Next time, don't look at the phone while walking =P Or develop a method of having some awareness. Having no awareness of the situation around you is never a good thing. You might walk into a pole, or into a pot-hole, or into water fountains!
Look up what shove means on any random internet dictionary. You shoved him. It doesn't matter what your intentions are in case, because you already started a confrontation. With a drunk guy, no less...
This is merged with another post, but they're of the same train of thought so I merged them. You keep making yourself out as the "victim", or at least the guy who didn't instigate the confrontation. That is patently false.
You shoved him. You have to understand that it's one thing to just bump into someone by accident and bounce off, and another thing to shove them when you make contact. If it was just a reaction on your part, then you could have easily just apologized with no harm done. If they still went up on you, then you could have been assertive with all rights to you. You apologized and he didn't accept it. Who's at fault now then?
He came back as an aggressor because, to him, you were the aggressor. Whether it's true or not, he thought that you were being aggressive and he didn't like that one bit.
And make no mistake, you were hardly passive.
I mean, you said "I told him that he backed up into me and told him he should watch where he was going." If anyone told me that after I bumped into him/her, then I'd think he's a jerk. I mean, you should be watching where you're going, shouldn't you? You admitted that you weren't paying attention.
In terms of confrontations like this, being assertive=being aggressive for the most part. Unless your life or something valuable is on the line, it is always better to just give way. Like Jay13x said, it is always better to defuse a situation as best as you can. That will typically require you to apologize first. If it means that you won't have to face a real possibility of a fight, then that's great.