WARNING: This is disjointed and rambling. I'm not in the best state of mind right now so this is not well written. Please, if you read this, keep with it and try to figure it out. I swear, there's a point here.
So. I'm one of those stereotypical hopeless losers when it comes to emotions and I find myself in need of aid, but have no one to turn to and want to avoid drinking myself under a table in order to deal with myself. That's the issue at hand: I'm ****ed up inside and cannot handle my own thoughts and emotions in any kind of fair way to the other person in the equation.
The situation is this: there is a girl I like. She's 20, I'm 25, we're both in college. We've been unofficially together off and on for the last 5ish months but nothing serious but we've been great friends for the whole time. Recently, she's been relying on me more for emotional support, which is fine as I gladly support my friends. The problem is that I get mixed up emotionally around her. She has lots of guys that she's with on a regular basis and tells me about it all the time. That's fine, but it ****s with my head really badly. I'm not even sure what I want from her.
I just need some help understanding the situation and figuring out how to turn off my emotions so I can be a better friend. When I get emotional, I don't think clearly and I'm not fair to those I'm around. I hurt them unintentionally and that's not acceptable, but I can't help it due to emotional stuff.
I'm not expert, so you can take anything I say with a grain of salt
Girl: Not serious
You: Serious
Seems to be what i'm reading here. I think you need to sit her down one day and discuss this issue. You like her which leads to you being emotional and i'm going out on a limb here and guessing that she didn't really tell you how she feels so you're clearly not sure whats going on.
If you could just turn your emotions of I think that would make you a sociopath? I doubt this is possible for you.
You really care about her. Jealousy is an emotion at its strongest when it involves someone you care about. You can either try and make this relationship real or get out of it. I doubt its ever going to be bearable for you. Speaking as someone whos been there I am not gonna tell you to tell her just to stop talking about these other dudes when shes around you. You stil have to watch her text them and see all the signs that shes been with other guys while she is around and furthermore she will feel differently about you when she sudenly can not unload all her complex emotional bull**** that comes with ****ing multiple people on a regular basis. God, that was an awful time in my life and I am stil pretty bitter over her not wanting me exclusively.
Do not be like me.
Figure out if you love her and want to be with her now then see if she is willing to commit. If not stop this and move on. You will thank me when you are not thinking about her, bitterly, nearly every day years later because you let her get too far into your head and your heart.
Good luck. This is going to suck no mater what.
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WARNING: This is disjointed and rambling. I'm not in the best state of mind right now so this is not well written. Please, if you read this, keep with it and try to figure it out. I swear, there's a point here.
So. I'm one of those stereotypical hopeless losers when it comes to emotions and I find myself in need of aid, but have no one to turn to and want to avoid drinking myself under a table in order to deal with myself. That's the issue at hand: I'm ****ed up inside and cannot handle my own thoughts and emotions in any kind of fair way to the other person in the equation.
The situation is this: there is a girl I like. She's 20, I'm 25, we're both in college. We've been unofficially together off and on for the last 5ish months but nothing serious but we've been great friends for the whole time. Recently, she's been relying on me more for emotional support, which is fine as I gladly support my friends. The problem is that I get mixed up emotionally around her. She has lots of guys that she's with on a regular basis and tells me about it all the time. That's fine, but it ****s with my head really badly. I'm not even sure what I want from her.
I just need some help understanding the situation and figuring out how to turn off my emotions so I can be a better friend. When I get emotional, I don't think clearly and I'm not fair to those I'm around. I hurt them unintentionally and that's not acceptable, but I can't help it due to emotional stuff.
Ugh, rambling too much. Just... advice? Please?
Pray tell, why are you in college at 25? Is this a second degree?
Anyway, there's no advice that's sure to work but ask yourself why you're holding on and create negative associations with that person. Actively make sure you don't run into that person much, but don't make too much of a deal out of it. Write down everything you dislike about that person or that makes you tolerate or resent them, and then simply let go and move on from it.
There are plenty of people and you're going to be okay on your own too. It doesn't sound like what you have is healthy anyway or that it would ever work out. For now, just work on yourself; apply yourself more in classes or work. If that's not enough, get a hobby.
Presumably you don't have many friends with whom to talk this over. Though, if you do have a few, talk it over with them. Get their perspective or simply get them to bear with you.
If you could just turn your emotions of I think that would make you a sociopath? I doubt this is possible for you.
It would. I wish it was possible regardless. You likely understand.
You really care about her. Jealousy is an emotion at its strongest when it involves someone you care about. You can either try and make this relationship real or get out of it. I doubt its ever going to be bearable for you. Speaking as someone whos been there I am not gonna tell you to tell her just to stop talking about these other dudes when shes around you. You stil have to watch her text them and see all the signs that shes been with other guys while she is around and furthermore she will feel differently about you when she sudenly can not unload all her complex emotional bull**** that comes with ****ing multiple people on a regular basis. God, that was an awful time in my life and I am stil pretty bitter over her not wanting me exclusively.
Do not be like me.
Figure out if you love her and want to be with her now then see if she is willing to commit. If not stop this and move on. You will thank me when you are not thinking about her, bitterly, nearly every day years later because you let her get too far into your head and your heart.
...thank you. I know all of this, but needed to hear it anyway. One can know something without knowing it, if that makes sense.
Pray tell, why are you in college at 25? Is this a second degree?
No, it isn't. I ****ed up my first few years in college, failed out, almost killed myself, nearly was institutionalized, and spent a year trying to rebuild myself, ok?
Sorry if I'm a little defensive, but I feel bad enough about it that I don't need someone else to point out that I shouldn't still be in school.
There are plenty of people and you're going to be okay on your own too. It doesn't sound like what you have is healthy anyway or that it would ever work out. For now, just work on yourself; apply yourself more in classes or work. If that's not enough, get a hobby.
Good advice. Thank you.
Presumably you don't have many friends with whom to talk this over. Though, if you do have a few, talk it over with them. Get their perspective or simply get them to bear with you.
I have no one to talk to, or I already would have done so. Thus, why I'm here.
No, it isn't. I ****ed up my first few years in college, failed out, almost killed myself, nearly was institutionalized, and spent a year trying to rebuild myself, ok?
Sorry if I'm a little defensive, but I feel bad enough about it that I don't need someone else to point out that I shouldn't still be in school.
Oh dear. ****, I'm sorry.
I have no one to talk to, or I already would have done so. Thus, why I'm here.
Um, I know this is somewhat of a cheap answer but have you considered talking to your college health/mental health unit or a mental health specialist? I think it could be helpful.
There are plenty of people and you're going to be okay on your own too. It doesn't sound like what you have is healthy anyway or that it would ever work out. For now, just work on yourself; apply yourself more in classes or work. If that's not enough, get a hobby.
Oh, I just realised something. I'm sorry this isn't really comprehensive and it all sounds callous, but dealing with them and relationship problems are just so draining, even after you're all right now. On one hand, they're just so stupidly simple to deal with; on the other, they just simply stupid. (Relationships alone are pretty draining but they are damn worth it all, though.)
Looking back on your OP, this thing sounds mightn't sound like it's doomed but it just wouldn't have worked out. For serious, though, you'll be fine as long as you keep on sorting out your ducks in a row.
It's ok, you couldn't have known. I shouldn't have snapped, I'm sorry.
Um, I know this is somewhat of a cheap answer but have you considered talking to your college health/mental health unit or a mental health specialist? I think it could be helpful.
I have. My college's next available appointment time is in 2 months.
I cannot afford to see a proper psychologist.
Oh, I just realised something. I'm sorry this isn't really comprehensive and it all sounds callous, but dealing with them and relationship problems are just so draining, even after you're all right now. On one hand, they're just so stupidly simple to deal with; on the other, they just simply stupid. (Relationships alone are pretty draining but they are damn worth it all, though.)
It's ok. I understand. I do have to disagree with the bolded though. I'm not convinced of that. None of my relationships have ended well. Each one has ended in heartbreak and pain (sometimes quite serious physical pain, in fact: one of my ex's stabbed me in our last serious argument). I am coming around to the position that sociopathy is the answer: withdraw and ignore the world.
It's ok, you couldn't have known. I shouldn't have snapped, I'm sorry.
It's fine. Sorry, I should have been more compassionate and less straight-out.
I have. My college's next available appointment time is in 2 months.
Even if it's an emergency? If there's anyway to reasonably expedite things, that would be great...
Colleges...
I cannot afford to see a proper psychologist.
Generally, how are psychologists even paid? Isn't there anything that can cover costs - some local, state, or federal government scheme; friends; family?
Are there any pro bono services?
It's ok. I understand. I do have to disagree with the bolded though. I'm not convinced of that. None of my relationships have ended well. Each one has ended in heartbreak and pain (sometimes quite serious physical pain, in fact: one of my ex's stabbed me in our last serious argument). I am coming around to the position that sociopathy is the answer: withdraw and ignore the world.
I can't really comment on this, but perhaps I should have said:
(Relationships alone are pretty draining but they can be damn worth it all, though.)
... Every time I think about this, I put my fingers on the keyboard but then back away. Pardon me if I say something wrong.
Okay, sociopathy is a real Pandora's box. I'm not a big fan of the term or any associated terms - not due to limitless faith in people or the potential to change or hopeless optimism - or psychology or psychiatry in general.
I am no great authority on this, and this is certainly no diagnosis. You may be some "stereotypical hopeless loser" and you may have some things in common with sociopaths or closer to sociopathy than most of us on some spectrum, but I do not believe that sociopathy is 'the answer', that you are a sociopath or that you become one, or that you understand what it actually is. Heavens, researchers and practitioners are still working out what it all might be.
At one extreme of sociopaths, however, are those that are simply not functional. They have no genuine ability to feel for others or empathise, but they may fake it. They are essentially pathological liars and, while they may not fully intend on being malicious, their actions are often unquestionably so. Most of these individuals do not have regard or respect for morality or conscience. Fortunately, in some respects, and unfortunately, in others, there is a substantial substantive biologic aetiology to this condition and many of these individuals are not among us in society; instead, most of them are segregated in institutions such as prisons, which isn't surprising as a fair few are found to be guilty of criminal actions.
At the other are those that are functional, and it is demonstrable that all of us share something with functional sociopaths. Perhaps, even, all of us are slightly, but not significantly, sociopathic?
Edit:
For the time being, give yourself some space and distance yourself from this person (but not everyone). Go out with your mates or start to make some mates (as the sayings go, "bros before... " and "chicks before...". Though, seriously, you probably want some, even if it's one or two, close people who will be there despite the passage of time. Don't ditch friends for what might not be -- or even if it could be and will be).
Get yourself calm and collected and reflect, but also don't dwell or live up in your head. You've got to keep on truckin', and things still need to get done, man.
It's fine. Sorry, I should have been more compassionate and less straight-out.
You're quite alright, please, don't apologize for giving advice and asking questions.
Even if it's an emergency? If there's anyway to reasonably expedite things, that would be great...
I've looked, there isn't. There *is* an emergency option, but it doesn't apply here (it's for immediate issues of safety, suicide concerns, that sorta thing).
Generally, how are psychologists even paid? Isn't there anything that can cover costs - some local, state, or federal government scheme; friends; family?
No idea, but I have no friends, my family doesn't believe in mental illnesses, and I don't qualify for any governmental aid.
Are there any pro bono services?
Don't think so.
... Every time I think about this, I put my fingers on the keyboard but then back away. Pardon me if I say something wrong.
You won't, don't worry about it.
Okay, sociopathy is a real Pandora's box. I'm not a big fan of the term or any associated terms - not due to limitless faith in people or the potential to change or hopeless optimism - or psychology or psychiatry in general.
I am no great authority on this, and this is certainly no diagnosis. You may be some "stereotypical hopeless loser" and you may have some things in common with sociopaths or closer to sociopathy than most of us on some spectrum, but I do not believe that sociopathy is 'the answer', that you are a sociopath or that you become one, or that you understand what it actually is. Heavens, researchers and practitioners are still working out what it all might be.
At one extreme of sociopaths, however, are those that are simply not functional. They have no genuine ability to feel for others or empathise, but they may fake it. They are essentially pathological liars and, while they may not fully intend on being malicious, their actions are often unquestionably so. Most of these individuals do not have regard or respect for morality or conscience. Fortunately, in some respects, and unfortunately, in others, there is a substantial substantive biologic aetiology to this condition and many of these individuals are not among us in society; instead, most of them are segregated in institutions such as prisons, which isn't surprising as a fair few are found to be guilty of criminal actions.
At the other are those that are functional, and it is demonstrable that all of us share something with functional sociopaths. Perhaps, even, all of us are slightly, but not significantly, sociopathic?
I'm not that knowledgable either. All I know is not feeling sounds pretty great.
For the time being, give yourself some space and distance yourself from this person (but not everyone). Go out with your mates or start to make some mates (as the sayings go, "bros before... " and "chicks before...". Though, seriously, you probably want some, even if it's one or two, close people who will be there despite the passage of time. Don't ditch friends for what might not be -- or even if it could be and will be).
Yeah, I know. Dunno how to talk to people. Just. Ugh.
Get yourself calm and collected and reflect, but also don't dwell or live up in your head. You've got to keep on truckin', and things still need to get done, man.
Just walk away, forget about her, and find a decent girl. You really want to make someone like that your wife? Or spend the rest of your life with her? I recommend working on yourself and self esteem most importantly. There is a reason you're seeking out these toxic relationships. I've been there.
It's important to note that no one is ever happy with the way relationships end. It's always a matter of unhappiness no matter how much care is taken with the emotions that are in play. I've dated and been serious with probably 30 women in the past 15 years, and even the one month relationships can have ****ty endings. What you learn over time is that, even with those endings you can maintain respect, and less frequently, friendships. Two of my closest friends are exes, and I wouldn't trade the experience for anything.
With that aside, I think you're in a classic pickle. You need to come clean with your emotions to your friend, with whom it seems, you'd like a more involved relationship. Don't ever let yourself be someone's emotional tampon. It's unfair to them, because they never have to work through their problems on their own, meaning they never learn how to be independent and work through things on their own. And it's unfair to you because you have to soak up someone else's emotional garbage and process it for them. In functional healthy relationships, you rely on someone's input and support without dumping the process off on them. They help you by being part of the process, not the entire process. Your friend wants to eat her cake and have it too. The cake is a lie. You either tell her what you need from her, or you move on. If you keep lying down like a rug, you'll keep getting stepped on.
Also, I know her type. Male and female. I'd bet you dollars to donuts that she tells you about her conquests to see how you respond. Try calling her on it, and see what she says. I guarantee the conversation goes directly to her feelings about you.
In any instance, if you want to PM me ever for some advice, or just to get some input, feel free. I'm on in the mornings usually and once at night before bed. Cheers.
For the time being, give yourself some space and distance yourself from this person (but not everyone). Go out with your mates or start to make some mates (as the sayings go, "bros before... " and "chicks before...". Though, seriously, you probably want some, even if it's one or two, close people who will be there despite the passage of time. Don't ditch friends for what might not be -- or even if it could be and will be).
Get yourself calm and collected and reflect, but also don't dwell or live up in your head. You've got to keep on truckin', and things still need to get done, man.
this seriously. there's also a significant age and experience difference(emotional and otherwise) between you and the girl. you should probably spend some time with more mature people. go play some magic ;). I know a lot of guys at my lgs are in their late 20s early 30s and alot of them play commander.
Just walk away, forget about her, and find a decent girl.
I respectfully disagree.
First, be your own person. Then, after you've been your own person, maybe add someone to the mix. It may be difficult and painful (oh, love-sickness, we've all felt it) to do this, but it needs to be done.
this seriously. you should probably spend some time with more mature people. go play some magic ;). I know a lot of guys at my lgs are in their late 20s early 30s and alot of them play commander.
Thanks for your endorsement, jeremylin. (With all due respect, if only you were the real deal. :()
I don't know if that "go play some Magic" is for real or not, though.
Oh, the point on "bros before" and "chicks before" is, again, you really don't know whether relationships will work out. Sure, you try everything you can if you can see it going anywhere, but you sure as hell don't dog your friends 'cause you'll all be there for each other later and you'll all need each other later. (Male/female friends are sort of a different story.) You may all drift and everything later, but these things don't outright die.
I'm not that knowledgable either. All I know is not feeling sounds pretty great.
I know someone's going to ruin this and point out issues with it, but let's pretend that I am communicating this between to you alone.
It is all right to not want to have or feel feelings sometimes or that the feelings weren't there. Not feeling anything is not at all human; feelings are quintessential to being human, and lives are infinitely richer with feelings than without them. They make life worse, but they make life better.
Also, without feelings, you wouldn't ever be passionate about anything. You would never be inspired enough to do things, great things or deal with a lot of life, which is mainly shades of bleh but occasionally a streak of crimson red or sunshine yellow.
Furthermore, without having feelings, you don't develop attachments beyond interests, namely, to people. You may not feel anger and sadness, but you will never know love, support, encouragement and protected. As a human being, a social animal, you will be distanced from the pack and picked off by the pressures of life (thank goodness for the absence of predators). Moreover, how will you possibly find a mate, bed them, and pass on your genetic material if you can't feel anything and can't make other people feel anything?
No one is an island; you can try and it will ultimately be in vain, but not without costing you a pretty penny - time, energy, and plainly life - if you will.
Through our Pro Bono Counseling Network, Mental Health America of the Triangle recruits area therapists to provide free short-term counseling to underinsured or uninsured people in need of services.
We carefully interview potential clients and refer the individual to a “best match” therapist. If an individual is not eligible for the program, we provide referrals so they can find the help they need.
If you are a licensed therapist and would would like to become involved in this vital program, contact us at [EMAIL="info@mhatriangle.org"]info@mhatriangle.org[/EMAIL] or 919.942.8083.
If you need counseling, call 919.942.8083. If this is a mental health or substance abuse emergency, please call 911.
I'm sure if you search for pro bono stuff in person or on the Web, you will only find things.
Since you are still a student, there are many colleges that offer free, completely confidential, psychiatric counseling. I'd recommend seeing them if your school is one of them. They can offer advice on relationship/friendship issues along with addressing any mental health concerns you have.
I am actually serious about the mtg suggestion. TC needs to hang out with people who won't use him as, a previous user aptly put it, an "emotional tampon". From what I've read, the girl in question is not worth TC's time and emotional energy. The whole "not serious" "on again, off again" "friends" situation isn't something that I would be cool with personally. There are a lot of better men and women out there, and a hobby is a great way to meet them through.
w/r/t counseling - there have to be resources out there if your college can't help. Medical insurance typically covers a half dozen annual visits. Many counselors work on sliding scales. Your state likely has free resources. If the Google isn't any help, then a call to a crisis hotline might be able to put you in touch with local resources.
As to your next action with the girl, I would urge you to think through and prepare yourself for the range of likely outcomes from any approach. If you talk to her, there is a chance of getting what you want, but also a (likely much higher) chance that she'll walk away. I personally believe that either of those outcomes is likely healthier than your current state of limbo, but the odds are likely not in your favor and that you should prepare yourself mentally for that outcome.
Here's a comic strip on depression and feeling nothing. If this resonates, I would urge you to double up your efforts to get professional help!
Well, besides telling you seek professional advice, I'd tell you to come clean with her and do your best to explain your feelings. It's not fair to her if you believe any advice you give her may have a bias that is not in her best interest. She deserves to know where her advice is coming from.
Just walk away, forget about her, and find a decent girl. You really want to make someone like that your wife? Or spend the rest of your life with her? I recommend working on yourself and self esteem most importantly. There is a reason you're seeking out these toxic relationships. I've been there.
1. I don't want to marry anyone ever, actually. Just looking for a casual relationship, nothing serious. I'm only in my mid-twenties here.
2. You're spot on about why I seek crappy relationships though. Got no arguments with you there.
It's important to note that no one is ever happy with the way relationships end. It's always a matter of unhappiness no matter how much care is taken with the emotions that are in play. I've dated and been serious with probably 30 women in the past 15 years, and even the one month relationships can have ****ty endings. What you learn over time is that, even with those endings you can maintain respect, and less frequently, friendships. Two of my closest friends are exes, and I wouldn't trade the experience for anything.
With that aside, I think you're in a classic pickle. You need to come clean with your emotions to your friend, with whom it seems, you'd like a more involved relationship. Don't ever let yourself be someone's emotional tampon. It's unfair to them, because they never have to work through their problems on their own, meaning they never learn how to be independent and work through things on their own. And it's unfair to you because you have to soak up someone else's emotional garbage and process it for them. In functional healthy relationships, you rely on someone's input and support without dumping the process off on them. They help you by being part of the process, not the entire process. Your friend wants to eat her cake and have it too. The cake is a lie. You either tell her what you need from her, or you move on. If you keep lying down like a rug, you'll keep getting stepped on.
Also, I know her type. Male and female. I'd bet you dollars to donuts that she tells you about her conquests to see how you respond. Try calling her on it, and see what she says. I guarantee the conversation goes directly to her feelings about you.
In any instance, if you want to PM me ever for some advice, or just to get some input, feel free. I'm on in the mornings usually and once at night before bed. Cheers.
Thanks for all of this. Lots of good things here. Don't have anything better to say though, sorry. Been up for 26 hours now.
First, be your own person. Then, after you've been your own person, maybe add someone to the mix. It may be difficult and painful (oh, love-sickness, we've all felt it) to do this, but it needs to be done.
I am my own person. I'm also a lonely one. I have a strong need for companionship, had it for years, and the lack of it in my life right now is troubling. Thus, why I am in this pickle.
I know someone's going to ruin this and point out issues with it, but let's pretend that I am communicating this between to you alone.
Okie dokie.
It is all right to not want to have or feel feelings sometimes or that the feelings weren't there. Not feeling anything is not at all human; feelings are quintessential to being human, and lives are infinitely richer with feelings than without them. They make life worse, but they make life better.
Also, without feelings, you wouldn't ever be passionate about anything. You would never be inspired enough to do things, great things or deal with a lot of life, which is mainly shades of bleh but occasionally a streak of crimson red or sunshine yellow.
Furthermore, without having feelings, you don't develop attachments beyond interests, namely, to people. You may not feel anger and sadness, but you will never know love, support, encouragement and protected. As a human being, a social animal, you will be distanced from the pack and picked off by the pressures of life (thank goodness for the absence of predators). Moreover, how will you possibly find a mate, bed them, and pass on your genetic material if you can't feel anything and can't make other people feel anything?
It is probably bad that all of this sounds appealing, actually. I don't want to continue my line, I don't care about happiness anymore, I just don't care anymore. Yet another sign that I need psychiatric help.
No one is an island; you can try and it will ultimately be in vain, but not without costing you a pretty penny - time, energy, and plainly life - if you will.
Since you are still a student, there are many colleges that offer free, completely confidential, psychiatric counseling. I'd recommend seeing them if your school is one of them. They can offer advice on relationship/friendship issues along with addressing any mental health concerns you have.
My school does, as I mentioned above. Sadly, they have no openings for several months.
w/r/t counseling - there have to be resources out there if your college can't help. Medical insurance typically covers a half dozen annual visits. Many counselors work on sliding scales. Your state likely has free resources. If the Google isn't any help, then a call to a crisis hotline might be able to put you in touch with local resources.
May have to reach out to a crisis hotline, that's a good source. Thank you.
Here's a comic strip on depression and feeling nothing. If this resonates, I would urge you to double up your efforts to get professional help!
Well, besides telling you seek professional advice, I'd tell you to come clean with her and do your best to explain your feelings. It's not fair to her if you believe any advice you give her may have a bias that is not in her best interest. She deserves to know where her advice is coming from.
We have actually talked a few times. She understands that I have some challenges in this area.
To everyone: Thank you each for your help. I apologize for being out of touch so long. Things have been... unpleasant in my life right now. I'm coming off of a brutally unpleasant all-nighter right now, so if my responses aren't coherent, that would be why. Thank you again.
So. I'm one of those stereotypical hopeless losers when it comes to emotions
This, right here, sums up your entire problem. You've given up on yourself because you've convinced yourself you are a failure, and in so doing, you have written your own self-fulfilling prophecy. If you give up on yourself, you will never solve your problem.
And I can see where the defeatist attitude is coming from with this statement from another post you made.
I am my own person. I'm also a lonely one. I have a strong need for companionship, had it for years, and the lack of it in my life right now is troubling. Thus, why I am in this pickle.
No, this is something that needs to be clarified: being your own person does not mean not feeling lonely when you're alone, and it does not mean not needing other people.
Being your own person means not defining your worth based on other people.
That's a very important distinction to make. Your worth is not defined by how others treat you. Your worth is not defined by how other people think of you.
Do not allow yourself to get caught in that mindset, because it is a game you will never win.
I'm ****ed up inside and cannot handle my own thoughts and emotions
It is within your power to seek out professional counseling. As others have suggested, find out what mental health resources are available to you through your school.
I know that what I've read about obsessive-compulsive disorder has helped me to understand a lot about myself. Your school must have a library and online resources, so perhaps using these to do your own research on whatever's been troubling you may be a helpful avenue as well.
The situation is this: there is a girl I like. She's 20, I'm 25, we're both in college. We've been unofficially together off and on for the last 5ish months but nothing serious but we've been great friends for the whole time. Recently, she's been relying on me more for emotional support, which is fine as I gladly support my friends. The problem is that I get mixed up emotionally around her. She has lots of guys that she's with on a regular basis and tells me about it all the time. That's fine, but it ****s with my head really badly. I'm not even sure what I want from her.
Well if you just wanted friendship, you wouldn't be as concerned about her hanging around with other guys, correct? So you clearly want something from her, and if it's been on-again-off-again with her, and that situation isn't doing it for you, then it's pretty clear what that something is.
I just need some help understanding the situation and figuring out how to turn off my emotions so I can be a better friend.
No, don't do that. Don't lie to yourself.
You have to own who you are and be honest about how you feel. Otherwise, you will never be able to be genuine to who you are, and the quickest way to create emotional turmoil is to tell yourself you feel one way when your heart knows it feels another.
You've titled the thread "Getting over someone." I take it from this that you feel like you're running in circles. Well the first step out of that circle is to be honest about the feelings you have for her to yourself. The second step is to be honest about them to her. That's what the circle is, you trying to run from who you are and what you honestly feel, but you can't run from who you are.
Whatever results from that, at least you had integrity and were true to yourself, which you must be always.
You don't call "dying to removal" if the removal is more expensive in resources than the creature. If you have to spend BG (Abrupt Decay), or W + basic land (PtE) to remove a 1G, that is not "dying to removal". Strictly speaking Goyf dies to removal, but actually your removal is dying to Goyf.
So. I'm one of those stereotypical hopeless losers when it comes to emotions and I find myself in need of aid, but have no one to turn to and want to avoid drinking myself under a table in order to deal with myself. That's the issue at hand: I'm ****ed up inside and cannot handle my own thoughts and emotions in any kind of fair way to the other person in the equation.
The situation is this: there is a girl I like. She's 20, I'm 25, we're both in college. We've been unofficially together off and on for the last 5ish months but nothing serious but we've been great friends for the whole time. Recently, she's been relying on me more for emotional support, which is fine as I gladly support my friends. The problem is that I get mixed up emotionally around her. She has lots of guys that she's with on a regular basis and tells me about it all the time. That's fine, but it ****s with my head really badly. I'm not even sure what I want from her.
I just need some help understanding the situation and figuring out how to turn off my emotions so I can be a better friend. When I get emotional, I don't think clearly and I'm not fair to those I'm around. I hurt them unintentionally and that's not acceptable, but I can't help it due to emotional stuff.
Ugh, rambling too much. Just... advice? Please?
Radha, Heir to Keld, Vorel of the Hull Clade, Kemba, Kha Regent, Vela the Night-Clad, Kozilek, Butcher of Truth, Barrin, Master Wizard, Slobad, Goblin Tinkerer, Patron of the Orochi, Oloro, Ageless Ascetic, Thraximundar, Roon of the Hidden Realm, Prossh, Skyraider of Kher, Marath, Will of the Wild, Teneb, the Harvester
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Girl: Not serious
You: Serious
Seems to be what i'm reading here. I think you need to sit her down one day and discuss this issue. You like her which leads to you being emotional and i'm going out on a limb here and guessing that she didn't really tell you how she feels so you're clearly not sure whats going on.
You really care about her. Jealousy is an emotion at its strongest when it involves someone you care about. You can either try and make this relationship real or get out of it. I doubt its ever going to be bearable for you. Speaking as someone whos been there I am not gonna tell you to tell her just to stop talking about these other dudes when shes around you. You stil have to watch her text them and see all the signs that shes been with other guys while she is around and furthermore she will feel differently about you when she sudenly can not unload all her complex emotional bull**** that comes with ****ing multiple people on a regular basis. God, that was an awful time in my life and I am stil pretty bitter over her not wanting me exclusively.
Do not be like me.
Figure out if you love her and want to be with her now then see if she is willing to commit. If not stop this and move on. You will thank me when you are not thinking about her, bitterly, nearly every day years later because you let her get too far into your head and your heart.
Good luck. This is going to suck no mater what.
By: ol MISAKA lo
Cockatrice: Infallible
Pray tell, why are you in college at 25? Is this a second degree?
Anyway, there's no advice that's sure to work but ask yourself why you're holding on and create negative associations with that person. Actively make sure you don't run into that person much, but don't make too much of a deal out of it. Write down everything you dislike about that person or that makes you tolerate or resent them, and then simply let go and move on from it.
There are plenty of people and you're going to be okay on your own too. It doesn't sound like what you have is healthy anyway or that it would ever work out. For now, just work on yourself; apply yourself more in classes or work. If that's not enough, get a hobby.
Presumably you don't have many friends with whom to talk this over. Though, if you do have a few, talk it over with them. Get their perspective or simply get them to bear with you.
It would. I wish it was possible regardless. You likely understand.
...thank you. I know all of this, but needed to hear it anyway. One can know something without knowing it, if that makes sense.
Yeah.
No, it isn't. I ****ed up my first few years in college, failed out, almost killed myself, nearly was institutionalized, and spent a year trying to rebuild myself, ok?
Sorry if I'm a little defensive, but I feel bad enough about it that I don't need someone else to point out that I shouldn't still be in school.
Good advice. Thank you.
I have no one to talk to, or I already would have done so. Thus, why I'm here.
Radha, Heir to Keld, Vorel of the Hull Clade, Kemba, Kha Regent, Vela the Night-Clad, Kozilek, Butcher of Truth, Barrin, Master Wizard, Slobad, Goblin Tinkerer, Patron of the Orochi, Oloro, Ageless Ascetic, Thraximundar, Roon of the Hidden Realm, Prossh, Skyraider of Kher, Marath, Will of the Wild, Teneb, the Harvester
If you did this, tell me and I'll credit you!
Um, I know this is somewhat of a cheap answer but have you considered talking to your college health/mental health unit or a mental health specialist? I think it could be helpful.
Oh, I just realised something. I'm sorry this isn't really comprehensive and it all sounds callous, but dealing with them and relationship problems are just so draining, even after you're all right now. On one hand, they're just so stupidly simple to deal with; on the other, they just simply stupid. (Relationships alone are pretty draining but they are damn worth it all, though.)
Looking back on your OP, this thing sounds mightn't sound like it's doomed but it just wouldn't have worked out. For serious, though, you'll be fine as long as you keep on sorting out your ducks in a row.
It's ok, you couldn't have known. I shouldn't have snapped, I'm sorry.
I have. My college's next available appointment time is in 2 months.
I cannot afford to see a proper psychologist.
It's ok. I understand. I do have to disagree with the bolded though. I'm not convinced of that. None of my relationships have ended well. Each one has ended in heartbreak and pain (sometimes quite serious physical pain, in fact: one of my ex's stabbed me in our last serious argument). I am coming around to the position that sociopathy is the answer: withdraw and ignore the world.
Radha, Heir to Keld, Vorel of the Hull Clade, Kemba, Kha Regent, Vela the Night-Clad, Kozilek, Butcher of Truth, Barrin, Master Wizard, Slobad, Goblin Tinkerer, Patron of the Orochi, Oloro, Ageless Ascetic, Thraximundar, Roon of the Hidden Realm, Prossh, Skyraider of Kher, Marath, Will of the Wild, Teneb, the Harvester
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Even if it's an emergency? If there's anyway to reasonably expedite things, that would be great...
Colleges...
Generally, how are psychologists even paid? Isn't there anything that can cover costs - some local, state, or federal government scheme; friends; family?
Are there any pro bono services?
I can't really comment on this, but perhaps I should have said:
... Every time I think about this, I put my fingers on the keyboard but then back away. Pardon me if I say something wrong.
Okay, sociopathy is a real Pandora's box. I'm not a big fan of the term or any associated terms - not due to limitless faith in people or the potential to change or hopeless optimism - or psychology or psychiatry in general.
I am no great authority on this, and this is certainly no diagnosis. You may be some "stereotypical hopeless loser" and you may have some things in common with sociopaths or closer to sociopathy than most of us on some spectrum, but I do not believe that sociopathy is 'the answer', that you are a sociopath or that you become one, or that you understand what it actually is. Heavens, researchers and practitioners are still working out what it all might be.
At one extreme of sociopaths, however, are those that are simply not functional. They have no genuine ability to feel for others or empathise, but they may fake it. They are essentially pathological liars and, while they may not fully intend on being malicious, their actions are often unquestionably so. Most of these individuals do not have regard or respect for morality or conscience. Fortunately, in some respects, and unfortunately, in others, there is a substantial substantive biologic aetiology to this condition and many of these individuals are not among us in society; instead, most of them are segregated in institutions such as prisons, which isn't surprising as a fair few are found to be guilty of criminal actions.
At the other are those that are functional, and it is demonstrable that all of us share something with functional sociopaths. Perhaps, even, all of us are slightly, but not significantly, sociopathic?
Edit:
For the time being, give yourself some space and distance yourself from this person (but not everyone). Go out with your mates or start to make some mates (as the sayings go, "bros before... " and "chicks before...". Though, seriously, you probably want some, even if it's one or two, close people who will be there despite the passage of time. Don't ditch friends for what might not be -- or even if it could be and will be).
Get yourself calm and collected and reflect, but also don't dwell or live up in your head. You've got to keep on truckin', and things still need to get done, man.
You're quite alright, please, don't apologize for giving advice and asking questions.
I've looked, there isn't. There *is* an emergency option, but it doesn't apply here (it's for immediate issues of safety, suicide concerns, that sorta thing).
No idea, but I have no friends, my family doesn't believe in mental illnesses, and I don't qualify for any governmental aid.
Don't think so.
You won't, don't worry about it.
I'm not that knowledgable either. All I know is not feeling sounds pretty great.
Yeah, I know. Dunno how to talk to people. Just. Ugh.
Yeah. Yeah....
Radha, Heir to Keld, Vorel of the Hull Clade, Kemba, Kha Regent, Vela the Night-Clad, Kozilek, Butcher of Truth, Barrin, Master Wizard, Slobad, Goblin Tinkerer, Patron of the Orochi, Oloro, Ageless Ascetic, Thraximundar, Roon of the Hidden Realm, Prossh, Skyraider of Kher, Marath, Will of the Wild, Teneb, the Harvester
If you did this, tell me and I'll credit you!
With that aside, I think you're in a classic pickle. You need to come clean with your emotions to your friend, with whom it seems, you'd like a more involved relationship. Don't ever let yourself be someone's emotional tampon. It's unfair to them, because they never have to work through their problems on their own, meaning they never learn how to be independent and work through things on their own. And it's unfair to you because you have to soak up someone else's emotional garbage and process it for them. In functional healthy relationships, you rely on someone's input and support without dumping the process off on them. They help you by being part of the process, not the entire process. Your friend wants to eat her cake and have it too. The cake is a lie. You either tell her what you need from her, or you move on. If you keep lying down like a rug, you'll keep getting stepped on.
Also, I know her type. Male and female. I'd bet you dollars to donuts that she tells you about her conquests to see how you respond. Try calling her on it, and see what she says. I guarantee the conversation goes directly to her feelings about you.
In any instance, if you want to PM me ever for some advice, or just to get some input, feel free. I'm on in the mornings usually and once at night before bed. Cheers.
this seriously. there's also a significant age and experience difference(emotional and otherwise) between you and the girl. you should probably spend some time with more mature people. go play some magic ;). I know a lot of guys at my lgs are in their late 20s early 30s and alot of them play commander.
live life whatever reasons problems you have,
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First, be your own person. Then, after you've been your own person, maybe add someone to the mix. It may be difficult and painful (oh, love-sickness, we've all felt it) to do this, but it needs to be done.
Thanks for your endorsement, jeremylin. (With all due respect, if only you were the real deal. :()
I don't know if that "go play some Magic" is for real or not, though.
Oh, the point on "bros before" and "chicks before" is, again, you really don't know whether relationships will work out. Sure, you try everything you can if you can see it going anywhere, but you sure as hell don't dog your friends 'cause you'll all be there for each other later and you'll all need each other later. (Male/female friends are sort of a different story.) You may all drift and everything later, but these things don't outright die.
I know someone's going to ruin this and point out issues with it, but let's pretend that I am communicating this between to you alone.
It is all right to not want to have or feel feelings sometimes or that the feelings weren't there. Not feeling anything is not at all human; feelings are quintessential to being human, and lives are infinitely richer with feelings than without them. They make life worse, but they make life better.
Also, without feelings, you wouldn't ever be passionate about anything. You would never be inspired enough to do things, great things or deal with a lot of life, which is mainly shades of bleh but occasionally a streak of crimson red or sunshine yellow.
Furthermore, without having feelings, you don't develop attachments beyond interests, namely, to people. You may not feel anger and sadness, but you will never know love, support, encouragement and protected. As a human being, a social animal, you will be distanced from the pack and picked off by the pressures of life (thank goodness for the absence of predators). Moreover, how will you possibly find a mate, bed them, and pass on your genetic material if you can't feel anything and can't make other people feel anything?
No one is an island; you can try and it will ultimately be in vain, but not without costing you a pretty penny - time, energy, and plainly life - if you will.
For resources, what about:
http://mhatriangle.org/programs/free-counseling-services/
I'm sure if you search for pro bono stuff in person or on the Web, you will only find things.
Best of luck with this, buddy.
Since you are still a student, there are many colleges that offer free, completely confidential, psychiatric counseling. I'd recommend seeing them if your school is one of them. They can offer advice on relationship/friendship issues along with addressing any mental health concerns you have.
As to your next action with the girl, I would urge you to think through and prepare yourself for the range of likely outcomes from any approach. If you talk to her, there is a chance of getting what you want, but also a (likely much higher) chance that she'll walk away. I personally believe that either of those outcomes is likely healthier than your current state of limbo, but the odds are likely not in your favor and that you should prepare yourself mentally for that outcome.
Here's a comic strip on depression and feeling nothing. If this resonates, I would urge you to double up your efforts to get professional help!
1. I don't want to marry anyone ever, actually. Just looking for a casual relationship, nothing serious. I'm only in my mid-twenties here.
2. You're spot on about why I seek crappy relationships though. Got no arguments with you there.
Thanks for all of this. Lots of good things here. Don't have anything better to say though, sorry. Been up for 26 hours now.
I am my own person. I'm also a lonely one. I have a strong need for companionship, had it for years, and the lack of it in my life right now is troubling. Thus, why I am in this pickle.
Okie dokie.
It is probably bad that all of this sounds appealing, actually. I don't want to continue my line, I don't care about happiness anymore, I just don't care anymore. Yet another sign that I need psychiatric help.
Yeah, I figured as much.
Thank you for that. I may have to make use of it.
My school does, as I mentioned above. Sadly, they have no openings for several months.
May have to reach out to a crisis hotline, that's a good source. Thank you.
It does, strongly. Thank you for that.
We have actually talked a few times. She understands that I have some challenges in this area.
To everyone: Thank you each for your help. I apologize for being out of touch so long. Things have been... unpleasant in my life right now. I'm coming off of a brutally unpleasant all-nighter right now, so if my responses aren't coherent, that would be why. Thank you again.
Radha, Heir to Keld, Vorel of the Hull Clade, Kemba, Kha Regent, Vela the Night-Clad, Kozilek, Butcher of Truth, Barrin, Master Wizard, Slobad, Goblin Tinkerer, Patron of the Orochi, Oloro, Ageless Ascetic, Thraximundar, Roon of the Hidden Realm, Prossh, Skyraider of Kher, Marath, Will of the Wild, Teneb, the Harvester
If you did this, tell me and I'll credit you!
This, right here, sums up your entire problem. You've given up on yourself because you've convinced yourself you are a failure, and in so doing, you have written your own self-fulfilling prophecy. If you give up on yourself, you will never solve your problem.
And I can see where the defeatist attitude is coming from with this statement from another post you made.
No, this is something that needs to be clarified: being your own person does not mean not feeling lonely when you're alone, and it does not mean not needing other people.
Being your own person means not defining your worth based on other people.
That's a very important distinction to make. Your worth is not defined by how others treat you. Your worth is not defined by how other people think of you.
Do not allow yourself to get caught in that mindset, because it is a game you will never win.
It is within your power to seek out professional counseling. As others have suggested, find out what mental health resources are available to you through your school.
I know that what I've read about obsessive-compulsive disorder has helped me to understand a lot about myself. Your school must have a library and online resources, so perhaps using these to do your own research on whatever's been troubling you may be a helpful avenue as well.
Well if you just wanted friendship, you wouldn't be as concerned about her hanging around with other guys, correct? So you clearly want something from her, and if it's been on-again-off-again with her, and that situation isn't doing it for you, then it's pretty clear what that something is.
No, don't do that. Don't lie to yourself.
You have to own who you are and be honest about how you feel. Otherwise, you will never be able to be genuine to who you are, and the quickest way to create emotional turmoil is to tell yourself you feel one way when your heart knows it feels another.
You've titled the thread "Getting over someone." I take it from this that you feel like you're running in circles. Well the first step out of that circle is to be honest about the feelings you have for her to yourself. The second step is to be honest about them to her. That's what the circle is, you trying to run from who you are and what you honestly feel, but you can't run from who you are.
Whatever results from that, at least you had integrity and were true to yourself, which you must be always.
Man, I want to sig this like fifty times.
Tell her you want to try something more serious.
If she refuses, then get over it. If she refuses and continues roping you around, that's when you drop her if you have any self respect.
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10/10, I tapped.