My girlfriend's grandad just died and, understandably so, she's been pretty sad about it. Anyway, his funeral is this Friday and she said that she'd really appreciate if I came - and so obviously I'm going. The problem is, I don't really know anyone from her extended family - in fact, to be honest, I know her dad and one of her brothers used to goto my school and that's it. I don't think I've even seen her mum (who's father it is who died) before as we only really got together recently.
But my girlfriend says its a "the more the merrier" sort of thing and they're fine with me being there. The main problem is... I have no idea what to do. I have some common sense so I'll be quiet and polite etc. but there's only so many ways I can say, "My condolences" to people I've never seen before. In fact, the only other one I can think of is "I'm sorry for your loss". I'm only 17, so I can't say I've had much experience in funerals or anything of this matter.
Your advice would be appreciated, thanks.
Private Mod Note
():
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
Temporarily retired from the game
Thanks a bunch to Rivenor from Miraculous Recovery Signatures for the awesome sigpic!
Unfortunately ive had to go to a few funerals before and the best thing you can possibly do, if its a traditional funeral, when you walk in make sure you shake the hands of the family that will be sitting in the front row and say sorry for your loss. There really isnt anything else you can do other than go with the flow. If there is a family get together afterwards that you will be attending because of your girlfriend just know that most of the time there is some laughter and sharing of stories of the deceased after the hard part is over because everyone has already said their goodbyes. Just play it by ear, introduce yourself and just have normal conversations and stick by your girlfriend and do as she does.
I have some common sense so I'll be quiet and polite etc. but there's only so many ways I can say, "My condolences" to people I've never seen before. In fact, the only other one I can think of is "I'm sorry for your loss".
That is enough.
Keep in mind that there will be dozens, if not hundreds of people doing the same thing. As long as you are polite and don't attract attention, "I'm sorry for your loss" is fine. Leave the more memorable and touching words to the people who knew the guy.
Private Mod Note
():
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
"Sometimes, the situation is outracing a threat, sometimes it's ignoring it, and sometimes it involves sideboarding in 4x Hope//Pray." --Doug Linn
I suck at funerals. I've been to a few in my time, and I can honestly say without a doubt that I am not the person you want to invite to your funeral.
I've always been a very logical kind of person, so when everyone else is getting overtly emotional over the death of their loved one, I really have no idea how to feel, because to me, death is a natural and normal thing, and I don't get upset by the fact that people have left me.
My mother kind of recently passed away from lung cancer, and when I was sitting there talking with my dad about the funeral arrangements, I just remember him asking me "Son, I know this isn't your type of thing, you sure you want to be there?" I wanted to be there out of respect for my mother, but I certainly wasn't torn up by her death. She had fought a long, likely painful struggle against a disease with a low recovery rate, and I know that I, for one, was not upset to see her go. She almost certainly was better off. My twin sister, on the other hand, took the news with no amount of stride, and was a complete wreck up until and then during the funeral, causing quite a scene with her rampant sobbing. Everyone then looked to me to see how I was holding up, and when I didn't seem upset, I get the feeling that people were judging me, which is ****ed up.
Long story short, go to the funeral. Even if you don't know the guy, do your best to pretend; her parents will like that. Don't be like me, emotionally void and apparently evil.
It may be a little awkward, but obviously she wants you to be there. Just go, and do as you plan to do. Be kind, be polite, and give your condolences. Nothing more and nothing less.
Private Mod Note
():
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
Not playing much these days... hope all is well in the MtG community
EDH:
Zur, The Enchanter
Modern:
Burn
Legacy:
Cheeri0s
Burn
Everyone then looked to me to see how I was holding up, and when I didn't seem upset, I get the feeling that people were judging me, which is ****ed up.
The same thing happened to me when my grandmother died. She'd been battling breast cancer for a very long time and even at twelve I knew she wasn't winning. So I'd already said my goodbyes and cried on my own long before the funeral. In the church, I was stoic and a lot of people interpreted that poorly. Aunts and uncles asked my parents if I actually understood what was happening or if I was emotionally crippled. I think people just expect a lot of emotion at funerals and it's not something they readily understand when someone doesn't react like everyone else. Some people see that as disrespectful, as though you don't really care.
@OP: As everyone here is saying, just pay your respects and be respectfully quiet. You don't need to say or do much of anything aside from be there for your girlfriend. She may want to spend a few moments with individual family members alone, so just be attentive to that and give her time with her loved ones alone if she wants. Bring tissues for her and get her water if need be. Little supportive actions so she knows you're there to help get her through this. Aside from that, just stick out the awkwardness and go with the flow. Because it's bound to be awkward. People you haven't met are going to be talking to you, just be polite and if you're comfortable with it, play up the noble, supportive boyfriend thing. It may make some of her extended family be comforted in some small way to know their niece/cousin/granddaughter/whatever has someone like you to rely on.
But honestly, as long as you're respectful and polite, basic platitudes are pretty much all you need. With hundreds of well-wishers, you're not bound to stick out either way, and you don't need to.
When my grandfather died, I saw him at most once a year at a few hour stretches at a time. Not really on close terms with the man, and never was.
When you go to a funeral of someone you don't know, or don't know very well, just keep your head down and stay quiet. There are lots of people there to share stories, the trick is managing that - the pastor who performed the service oversaw several before bringing that portion of the ceremony to a close.
Funerals aren't terribly social occasions, so just be there, introduce yourself (I'm X, so and so asked me to come, I'm sorry for your loss, look at all these people, Y was well loved), and don't eat, drink, or speak unless the opportunity is directly given to you.
You'll be fine. Just like at weddings, you're not supposed to be doing any of the heavy lifting. Just support your gf and don't be as ass and you'll be fine. You will barely need to talk with anybody except to say "sorry for your loss". Your responsibility is just to be at hand. If somebody needs a hand with something, help out.
You'll be fine. There IS nothing to do but give people your condolences. Family members will largely gather and tell stories, but really all you are doing is dressing nicely, showing up and keeping your girlfriend company. Just being there (and not acting like you want to leave) is all that is expected.
Wear a dark suit and a tie or you deserve to have your ass kicked out.
Also, observe all religious garments; for example, even if you`re not Jewish wear the provided yamaka.
Private Mod Note
():
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
To post a comment, please login or register a new account.
But my girlfriend says its a "the more the merrier" sort of thing and they're fine with me being there. The main problem is... I have no idea what to do. I have some common sense so I'll be quiet and polite etc. but there's only so many ways I can say, "My condolences" to people I've never seen before. In fact, the only other one I can think of is "I'm sorry for your loss". I'm only 17, so I can't say I've had much experience in funerals or anything of this matter.
Your advice would be appreciated, thanks.
Temporarily retired from the game
Thanks a bunch to Rivenor from Miraculous Recovery Signatures for the awesome sigpic!
Rage quit reason of the moment:
Have fun!Edit: You know what I mean, right?http://www.dummies.com/how-to/content/funeral-etiquette-attendence-condolences-attire.html
http://artofmanliness.com/2010/02/11/a-mans-primer-on-funeral-etiquette/
http://au.answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080212222849AAiLzVX
http://etiquette.about.com/od/Funeral/Funeral-Etiquette.htm
http://etiquette.about.com/od/Funeral/a/What-Do-I-Wear-To-A-Funeral.htm
http://etiquette.about.com/od/Funeral/a/Funeral-Etiquette.htm
Keep everything low-key, respectful, and sombre.
That is enough.
Keep in mind that there will be dozens, if not hundreds of people doing the same thing. As long as you are polite and don't attract attention, "I'm sorry for your loss" is fine. Leave the more memorable and touching words to the people who knew the guy.
"Sometimes, the situation is outracing a threat, sometimes it's ignoring it, and sometimes it involves sideboarding in 4x Hope//Pray." --Doug Linn
I've always been a very logical kind of person, so when everyone else is getting overtly emotional over the death of their loved one, I really have no idea how to feel, because to me, death is a natural and normal thing, and I don't get upset by the fact that people have left me.
My mother kind of recently passed away from lung cancer, and when I was sitting there talking with my dad about the funeral arrangements, I just remember him asking me "Son, I know this isn't your type of thing, you sure you want to be there?" I wanted to be there out of respect for my mother, but I certainly wasn't torn up by her death. She had fought a long, likely painful struggle against a disease with a low recovery rate, and I know that I, for one, was not upset to see her go. She almost certainly was better off. My twin sister, on the other hand, took the news with no amount of stride, and was a complete wreck up until and then during the funeral, causing quite a scene with her rampant sobbing. Everyone then looked to me to see how I was holding up, and when I didn't seem upset, I get the feeling that people were judging me, which is ****ed up.
Long story short, go to the funeral. Even if you don't know the guy, do your best to pretend; her parents will like that. Don't be like me, emotionally void and apparently evil.
Because we care about facts.
EDH:
Zur, The Enchanter
Modern:
Burn
Legacy:
Cheeri0s
Burn
The same thing happened to me when my grandmother died. She'd been battling breast cancer for a very long time and even at twelve I knew she wasn't winning. So I'd already said my goodbyes and cried on my own long before the funeral. In the church, I was stoic and a lot of people interpreted that poorly. Aunts and uncles asked my parents if I actually understood what was happening or if I was emotionally crippled. I think people just expect a lot of emotion at funerals and it's not something they readily understand when someone doesn't react like everyone else. Some people see that as disrespectful, as though you don't really care.
@OP: As everyone here is saying, just pay your respects and be respectfully quiet. You don't need to say or do much of anything aside from be there for your girlfriend. She may want to spend a few moments with individual family members alone, so just be attentive to that and give her time with her loved ones alone if she wants. Bring tissues for her and get her water if need be. Little supportive actions so she knows you're there to help get her through this. Aside from that, just stick out the awkwardness and go with the flow. Because it's bound to be awkward. People you haven't met are going to be talking to you, just be polite and if you're comfortable with it, play up the noble, supportive boyfriend thing. It may make some of her extended family be comforted in some small way to know their niece/cousin/granddaughter/whatever has someone like you to rely on.
But honestly, as long as you're respectful and polite, basic platitudes are pretty much all you need. With hundreds of well-wishers, you're not bound to stick out either way, and you don't need to.
Archatmos
Excellion
Fracture: Israfiel (WBR), Wujal (URG), Valedon (GUB), Amduat (BGW), Paladris (RWU)
Collision (Set Two of the Fracture Block)
Quest for the Forsaken (Set Two of the Excellion Block)
Katingal: Plane of Chains
When you go to a funeral of someone you don't know, or don't know very well, just keep your head down and stay quiet. There are lots of people there to share stories, the trick is managing that - the pastor who performed the service oversaw several before bringing that portion of the ceremony to a close.
Funerals aren't terribly social occasions, so just be there, introduce yourself (I'm X, so and so asked me to come, I'm sorry for your loss, look at all these people, Y was well loved), and don't eat, drink, or speak unless the opportunity is directly given to you.
TerribleBad at Magic since 1998.A Vorthos Guide to Magic Story | Twitter | Tumblr
[Primer] Krenko | Azor | Kess | Zacama | Kumena | Sram | The Ur-Dragon | Edgar Markov | Daretti | Marath
Also, observe all religious garments; for example, even if you`re not Jewish wear the provided yamaka.