So I've been dating my girlfriend for almost 3 months, and she lives in the dorm lieterally right next to mine.
This tragically awkward tale all started when we first moved in, both entering our freshman year of college, and she quite apparantly took a fancy to me. We started to hang out some, and it wasn't before long that we progressed to kissing, and then sex. Considering the amount of time we were spending together, I thought it was only right that I ask her out.
At this time, I was interested in her. I certainly wasn't in love with her, but she was cute, smart, and interesting, so I decided I would give it a go.
Things were going fine at first, until I began to suddenly realize that she might be a little too attached to me. The fact that we live next to each other means she has the opportunity to be with me a lot, and she literally wants to be with me ALL the time. I wouldn't consider myself anti-social, but I like having time to myself. She says she understands that, but her actions don't exactly mirror understanding.
In addition to that, she tends to make comments that seem to show that she's madly in love with me. For example:
"You're the best things that's ever happened to me."
"None of my ex-boyfriends were as great as you." (She's had a lot of exes.)
"Nobody has ever made me feel this way before."
I'm really not ready for anything serious at the moment. She's good looking and fun, but I just don't want to be commited to anything big at the moment.
So, the solution is simple, right? Break up with her! Unfortunatly, it isn't that simple.
She suffers from depression. Bad depression to be exact. When I met her she was lonely and sad all the time, and struggled to be social with others. When she met me, she began to become cheerful and happy. She tells me she doesn't know what she would do if I left her.
Well, she's already attempted suicide once in her life, and her mom was hesitant to send her to college because of her depression. I'm scared that if I were to break up with her, she might try again. I don't think I would be able to live with myself if she killed herself.
So, I don't know what to do. If anybody has any advice of how I could get out of this picke, I would appreciate it. Thanks.
Realize that you aren't responsible for her. Her problems are, well, her problems. If you're not as into this as she thinks you are, you have to tell her. Don't ever pretend for someone because you think you're doing her a favor. You're not.
Which isn't to say you shatter her heart brutally. But be honest about how you feel. She deserves that much.
yeah, end it but still care. don't dump her to the curb like last set draft boxes.
being with her to stop her from offing herself isn't right for either of you. try to do it nicely, and that's the best you can make out of this choice.
Private Mod Note
():
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
Sig with tips From PurpleD [CMB]~Praetor of Madness and Phyrexian Librarian Not Making sigs atm
yeah, end it but still care. don't dump her to the curb like last set draft boxes.
being with her to stop her from offing herself isn't right for either of you. try to do it nicely, and that's the best you can make out of this choice.
The one very important issue I feel the need to point out here is that compassion in this sort of situation can be misconstrued by the other side as a sign to hold out hope for the relationship. Though you may not mean it, you could inadvertently lead her on, even if you're direct with your intentions. That's currently the issue being faced by a friend of mine. He broke up with her, she took it hard, he tried to be the nice guy and help her through it, she's convinced she can get him back even though he's repeatedly told her it won't happen.
Sometimes the real compassionate thing is to cut ties because some girls are crazy and think that an ex being nice means he still has romantic intentions for her.
Hmm, this is an interesting one. If you talked to her and were able to get more free time to yourself, would that fix the majority of the problem? I mean, if she is madly in love with you and you like her, but just aren't to her level yet you could just see where things go. I do think that if she cannot at least give you your own personal time then that is very problematic and it probably needs to end. I agree that you need to recognize that her problems are her problems and that you cannot feel responsible for anything. If you genuinely feel like there is no chance of you 2 for the long term then by all means, break it off, but I have definitely been in the shoes of just breaking it off prematurely before it was probably necessary to do so and probably with some time things could have worked out better. I mean, based on the things she has told you, I do read them as she is serious about you, but I wouldn't look into them overly deep as in she wants marriage. Just look at it as being nice that she cares for you deeply (altho the comparing to exes needs to stop) and try to work it out. If you are mentally over it and are only worried about her feelings then just be honest and end it.
Unfortunatly - this happens a lot. (Well, I've seen very similar situations happen a lot).
When it eventually comes down to it, if you let this continue - you're going to hate her. She will irritate you when she holds you hand and talks, her voice will sound like nails on a chalk board, and you'll resent the fact that all of your free time is taken up being with her.
This is NOT a bad reflection on you, merely that you are now in a relationship that you don't feel you have a choice in (whether or not things are going good or not - losing your free will is a killer).
You are not responsible for her emotions. You should not self sacrifice for the sake of her problems. And you were not hired to be her support system.
And I realise this sounds horribly selfish but there are far too many people in the world with depression and sadly they tend to drag down those around them into their problems. Don't become part of the statistic. We need all the happy people we can get.
If you aren't enjoying it anymore and would rather be single - I would recommend breaking it off. The nicest way you know how (you know this girl better than any of us will ever be able to guess about) and I'm guessing she'll make your life difficult for a while but eventually - this , too, shall pass.
Have you even bothered to talk to her about space issues or are you just cutting the "middle-man" and moving into a break-up state?
I suggest talking with her first about that, as a lot of women don't realize they are smothering the person they are dating. They figure that spending a lot of time with you is all they need to know and that "free-space" is something no one deserves.
Yes, I do feel that women don't recognize that men need their space.
If you talk to her about it, I am sure something can be worked out as I've had about the same problem before and fixed it through conversation.
Eventually we broke up, but this was because of an entirely separate problem that involves another man.
Ask her if she has ever heard the saying, "If you can't love yourself, you can't love someone else." She has no business being in a relationship until she gets a handle on her depression.
mikey and Luss are spot on. It sounds like you really aren't into this, and it sounds like she has some issues that she needs to resolve internally (even if she currently thinks your relationship does resolve them).
Drop her. Yeah, she'll be hurt, but that happens in break ups. You'll both get over it in your own time.
And as a general rule: The longer you wait, the more fallout you'll have to deal with.
agree with what some others have said about talking to her about it.
Why did you immediately decide to dump her?
Probably because she was emotionally draining to be around all the time, every day.
She has obvious issues. She derives her whole identity from who she's with. So when you try to create some personal space for yourself, she is totally unable to deal with being alone and spirals into depression and self-harming behaviours.
Is she emo or being treated for borderline personality disorder by any chance?
When she says she's had a lot of exes, this should be a red flag for anyone under the age of 25. It's not that she has had lots of boyfriends - when I was her age I had been asked out a few times, and even accepted - but she is so willing to talk about them to someone she's only known for 3 months. It's really awkward to discuss for most people, and she seems to have no trouble breaching that personal boundary right away...
You both need to realize you're not responsible for her behaviours, she is. You should go ahead and end the relationship, it's not healthy and it sounds like it is making things worse for you. She'll either leech onto you for affection or she will resent you, or swing between both extremes. So consider yourself to have dodged a bullet by letting go now.
She suffers from depression. Bad depression to be exact. When I met her she was lonely and sad all the time, and struggled to be social with others. When she met me, she began to become cheerful and happy. She tells me she doesn't know what she would do if I left her.
Well, she's already attempted suicide once in her life, and her mom was hesitant to send her to college because of her depression. I'm scared that if I were to break up with her, she might try again. I don't think I would be able to live with myself if she killed herself.
So, I don't know what to do. If anybody has any advice of how I could get out of this picke, I would appreciate it. Thanks.
I've seen this stuff play out in reality already, so I'll just echo what everyone else has said. It does not work. You cannot change her, and the longer you wait the worse it is going to get. People she needs to be around are her friends and family and counselor, not you. If she has some sort of social inhibition or anxiety issue coupled with depression, it only gets more complex.
She needs a support system of some sort that she has to create for herself and take ownership of her disease. She has obviously yet to do so successfully. Definitely break up with her, if she expresses alarming behaviors alert the proper people within the college system. Break up with her now, and if anything happens at worst case scenario where has to be sent home. She can still do a full withdrawl from college with full money to get proper treatment if college is too much for her now. If anything, you'd be doing her a favor if she expresses the darker side of her disease.
Just get the proper information on how to contact the proper people before breaking up with her. Even if its a vein threat of suicide or self harm, turn her in.
If you were husband, this would be a different deal as you would have the emotional and legal leverage to convince her get help coupled with the financial power to pay for therapy. You lack everything with the inexperience to deal with such a needy woman.
Private Mod Note
():
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
Ambition must be made to counteract ambition.
Individualities may form communities, but it is institutions alone that can create a nation.
Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success.
Here is my principle: Taxes shall be levied according to ability to pay. That is the only American principle.
Agreed with the Cap't. It can only get worse if you prolong it. The longer it carries on, the deeper the bond you'll have, and the worse the eventual sting when you inevitably realize you can't stay with her for the rest of your life.
Just tear the bandage off and have her support system ready for it. It's the most responsible and respectful thing you can do.
welcome to the wonderful world of affective dependance. it's a real pain, but you have to leave. it's not your fault. just try to do so smoothly, otherwise she might go revenga on you and your social circle.
INCIDENTALLY ENOUGH... my girlfriend is probably worse off in the depression area where she literally spent a year in a clinic because of 2 suicide attempts and such... didn't have friends when she was little because of parents being military and moving so much. Plus she's bi-polar (don't ask me how i deal with her... that's another novel).
so i know what you're talking about. It's ROUGH to disappoint her because it's not like the reaction you usually get from people, but the extremity of that spectrum. You say you need to dump this girl, but i think you need to re-evaluate first and make sure that is what you really want. She says she loves you blah blah blah and such because she probably has not spent much time being single (hence the many exes) so she is not independent.
If you are sure you want to dump her, you have to do it then.. just do it. waiting is the same as driving the nail deeper into the wood when you only wanted to slightly tap it.
It's not your responsibility and i agree with everything MikeyG is saying... sometimes life blows and you gotta do something you don't wanna do.
Have you even bothered to talk to her about space issues or are you just cutting the "middle-man" and moving into a break-up state?
To answer you and a couple others who brought this up, yes I have, and like I said in the OP, she says she understands but has a tendency to do it anyways. More importantly though, I guess I've sort of convinced myself that she loves me more than I'll ever be able to love her. Even if she stopped being clingy, I still don't think we would have mutual feelings. Her space issuees have already offput me a lot, and I'm sure many people can relate, once you lose your attraction to somebody, it's nearly impossible to get it back.
Is she emo or being treated for borderline personality disorder by any chance?
Not really emo, no. Personality disorder, possibly. When we first started hanging out, I couldn't tell that she had ever been depressed to be honest. When I began to date her and we grew closer, that's when I started to realize that she had an...er...darker side. By then she had already started to tell me how I had "no idea how much she loved me."
Anyways, thanks for the advice everyone. The consensus is obviously "Better if you don't do it anymore" so I'll certainly factor that into my decision.
Not sure if this is any help to you, but I've been in pretty much the same situation you are in now. I know it won't be an easy choice, so I just wanted to let you know in my case I decided to choose for my own wellbeing and ended the relationship. We're both quite allright now.
Private Mod Note
():
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
Amazing sig by GobboElysiumKCW, TFE, god_child , Harkius, DalkonCledwin, Arnnaria, Rianalnn, Gaea's Regent our sig main man!
Dude, I don't fully appreciate (in the sense of understand in full (and beyond)) this scenario, but hopefully I can try to offer some advice of some practical utility.
So I've been dating my girlfriend for almost 3 months, and she lives in the dorm lieterally right next to mine.
...
Things were going fine at first, until I began to suddenly realize that she might be a little too attached to me. The fact that we live next to each other means she has the opportunity to be with me a lot, and she literally wants to be with me ALL the time. I wouldn't consider myself anti-social, but I like having time to myself. She says she understands that, but her actions don't exactly mirror understanding.
Dude, it's normal to want to have time to and for yourself; (as an aside, however, antisocial behaviour specifically refers more to that which is contrary to societally-standard behaviour, not simply aggressive, hostile, and/or avoidant behaviour).
In addition to that, she tends to make comments that seem to show that she's madly in love with me. For example:
"You're the best things that's ever happened to me."
"None of my ex-boyfriends were as great as you." (She's had a lot of exes.)
"Nobody has ever made me feel this way before."
I'm really not ready for anything serious at the moment. She's good looking and fun, but I just don't want to be commited to anything big at the moment.
So, the solution is simple, right? Break up with her! Unfortunatly, it isn't that simple.
She suffers from depression. Bad depression to be exact.
Is this actual diagnosed clinical depression? Can you be more specific? (Mind you, depression falls roughly into two categories; reactive (acute; reactive to psychosocial stressors (e.g. an awful day)) and clinical (chronic).)
When I met her she was lonely and sad all the time, and struggled to be social with others. When she met me, she began to become cheerful and happy. She tells me she doesn't know what she would do if I left her.
Mmm... this is purely speculative at the moment, but your description is suggestive of her having a manifestation of a(t least one) 'cluster B' personality disorder (dramatic, emotional, and/or erratic), an attachment disorder or a dependent personality disorder, or manic-depressive psychosis.
The fact that she has a number of exes may be construed as being suggestive of "borderline" personality disorder; however, this is going on a limb. From your being with her, and knowledge of her, have you noticed lethargy and boredom quickly set in in her and impulsiveness, a fear of abandonment/rejection, frequent rapid changes in mood, and issues with self-esteem/self-image?
Of her former relationships, how much do you know? (Not just, "I'm better than him", or whatever.) Were those relationships, by and large, a string of unstable relationships?
Well, she's already attempted suicide once in her life, and her mom was hesitant to send her to college because of her depression. I'm scared that if I were to break up with her, she might try again. I don't think I would be able to live with myself if she killed herself.
So, I don't know what to do. If anybody has any advice of how I could get out of this picke, I would appreciate it. Thanks.
Duly note, legally, you are not responsible for her.
Even if you were to become responsible for her, what of the future (can you picture yourself in your twilight years; will she merely become a - however you think or feel about her, forgive me to speak as follows - 'burden'?), of progeny (epidemiological studies indicate that a number of psychological disorders are hereditary) among the other many issues to be thought of and addressed?
If you find her to be a vacuum of your verve and cannot endure her further, one could suppose that you break up with her; which, perhaps, is not advisable, in case of 'blowback', which is likely in part thanks to the proximity of your places of residence.
On the flip side, however, it does sound like you are a 'white hat', and that, for fear of her (possible) instability, psychological issues, and future suicide attempts/self-harm (and the guilt, remorse, and/or self-resentment), you wouldn't break up - or, at least, immediately.
Perhaps, you could be subtle about suggesting psychotherapy (given she has attempted suicide; is this a genuine attempt, or parasuicide?), or seeing a psychiatrist (or, if your countries allows psychotherapists (psychologists, among other non-medical health professional folk) to diagnose) for a consult and, if so desired, undergo an initial psychiatric assessment / mental status examination.
Then, (if diagnosed and presented with options), if she were to take the psychotherapy route, you may need to stick around to facilitate the process (as 'unfair' as that may or may not be); which could be a while - a matter of months - and could incur a rather sizable cost.
If you would, perhaps you could elaborate on her history (biographical and historical (family and the childhood development would be most interesting), and medical and psychiatric history, if possible) and anything you feel is relevant.
ETA: (Or not.)
(Of course, it would be remiss for me to suggest that anyone will help, and that anything be diagnosed.)
So I've been dating my girlfriend for almost 3 months, and she lives in the dorm lieterally right next to mine.
This tragically awkward tale all started when we first moved in, both entering our freshman year of college, and she quite apparantly took a fancy to me. We started to hang out some, and it wasn't before long that we progressed to kissing, and then sex. Considering the amount of time we were spending together, I thought it was only right that I ask her out.
At this time, I was interested in her. I certainly wasn't in love with her, but she was cute, smart, and interesting, so I decided I would give it a go.
Things were going fine at first, until I began to suddenly realize that she might be a little too attached to me. The fact that we live next to each other means she has the opportunity to be with me a lot, and she literally wants to be with me ALL the time. I wouldn't consider myself anti-social, but I like having time to myself. She says she understands that, but her actions don't exactly mirror understanding.
In addition to that, she tends to make comments that seem to show that she's madly in love with me. For example:
"You're the best things that's ever happened to me."
"None of my ex-boyfriends were as great as you." (She's had a lot of exes.)
"Nobody has ever made me feel this way before."
I'm really not ready for anything serious at the moment. She's good looking and fun, but I just don't want to be commited to anything big at the moment.
So, the solution is simple, right? Break up with her! Unfortunatly, it isn't that simple.
She suffers from depression. Bad depression to be exact. When I met her she was lonely and sad all the time, and struggled to be social with others. When she met me, she began to become cheerful and happy. She tells me she doesn't know what she would do if I left her.
Well, she's already attempted suicide once in her life, and her mom was hesitant to send her to college because of her depression. I'm scared that if I were to break up with her, she might try again. I don't think I would be able to live with myself if she killed herself.
So, I don't know what to do. If anybody has any advice of how I could get out of this picke, I would appreciate it. Thanks.
I had a friend in a very similar situation, who dragged it out for months. He did have to make sure that her friends watched her for a few days after the breakup, and that's all you can do.
This girl has had exes before. She will be able to cope. If you continue to see her for months and months, you're just wasting her time and yours, and making it that harder to move on.
Just be kind and firm, and make sure she gets the message. If you really think she's fun, offer to be her friend. It might be weird at first, but at least you'll be able to help her cope with depression.
Private Mod Note
():
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
I'll be sad if people don't start calling The Chain Veil "Fleetwood Mac."
Wow MM that is a lot of info, are you a psychiatrist?
at any rate Lotus you should not feel like you are responsible for any of this that happened. Normal relationships don't work this way, FYI many young women can (and do) handle the concept of appropriate personal boundaries and personal space.
You might want to ask yourself what attracted you to her and how you might make better choices and decisions in the future. Just remember the old adage "Smart, sexy, sane - pick any TWO" and while the rare exception exists, you should understand what to look for and what to avoid.
@below post: ROFFFFLE. I approve! (Ah if only t were this easy!)
I've been in a similar situation and I'll tell you what I did. Where pants as a shirt and shirt as pants. Talk about pokemans constantly and stop shaving. She can only take it so long.
Gotta be honest, I don't have anything overly constructive to add other than, any updates from the original poster?
Would like to hear how everything went/is going.
And Magic Mage - that was an AWESOME read. Thankyou
Yea, I have to agree, that post was fairly uncalled for.
And 'on him all the time' isn't the impression I got.
From personal experience (from both ends of the coin I have to, shamefully, admit) you can smother someone without actually being with them.
Constant text messages, questions and signs about missing them, where they are, who they're with, what they're doing etc etc. In a mutual ongoing (as in long term) relationship where you both understand each others boundaries you can do this unobtrusively (I think) but when a relationship is new and evolving it can be quite....stifling.
Even merely being 'upset' or 'moody' over something as trivial as being 5 minutes late, or cancelling plans or spending time with their friends without you.
And yes please, keep us updated Lotus. Even with the more detailed sections removed, we'll know what you're updating us on
This tragically awkward tale all started when we first moved in, both entering our freshman year of college, and she quite apparantly took a fancy to me. We started to hang out some, and it wasn't before long that we progressed to kissing, and then sex. Considering the amount of time we were spending together, I thought it was only right that I ask her out.
At this time, I was interested in her. I certainly wasn't in love with her, but she was cute, smart, and interesting, so I decided I would give it a go.
Things were going fine at first, until I began to suddenly realize that she might be a little too attached to me. The fact that we live next to each other means she has the opportunity to be with me a lot, and she literally wants to be with me ALL the time. I wouldn't consider myself anti-social, but I like having time to myself. She says she understands that, but her actions don't exactly mirror understanding.
In addition to that, she tends to make comments that seem to show that she's madly in love with me. For example:
"You're the best things that's ever happened to me."
"None of my ex-boyfriends were as great as you." (She's had a lot of exes.)
"Nobody has ever made me feel this way before."
I'm really not ready for anything serious at the moment. She's good looking and fun, but I just don't want to be commited to anything big at the moment.
So, the solution is simple, right? Break up with her! Unfortunatly, it isn't that simple.
She suffers from depression. Bad depression to be exact. When I met her she was lonely and sad all the time, and struggled to be social with others. When she met me, she began to become cheerful and happy. She tells me she doesn't know what she would do if I left her.
Well, she's already attempted suicide once in her life, and her mom was hesitant to send her to college because of her depression. I'm scared that if I were to break up with her, she might try again. I don't think I would be able to live with myself if she killed herself.
So, I don't know what to do. If anybody has any advice of how I could get out of this picke, I would appreciate it. Thanks.
Which isn't to say you shatter her heart brutally. But be honest about how you feel. She deserves that much.
Archatmos
Excellion
Fracture: Israfiel (WBR), Wujal (URG), Valedon (GUB), Amduat (BGW), Paladris (RWU)
Collision (Set Two of the Fracture Block)
Quest for the Forsaken (Set Two of the Excellion Block)
Katingal: Plane of Chains
It sounds to me like this girl needs to learn to find her sense of value outside of what others dictate it to be.
You should end it, but I also think either you should keep tabs on her, or ensure that her friends and/or parents are.
UBW Sharuum
BR Olivia Voldaren
UR Jhoira
URG Riku
U Vendilion Clique
being with her to stop her from offing herself isn't right for either of you. try to do it nicely, and that's the best you can make out of this choice.
Sig with tips From PurpleD
[CMB]~Praetor of Madness and Phyrexian Librarian
Not Making sigs atm
The one very important issue I feel the need to point out here is that compassion in this sort of situation can be misconstrued by the other side as a sign to hold out hope for the relationship. Though you may not mean it, you could inadvertently lead her on, even if you're direct with your intentions. That's currently the issue being faced by a friend of mine. He broke up with her, she took it hard, he tried to be the nice guy and help her through it, she's convinced she can get him back even though he's repeatedly told her it won't happen.
Sometimes the real compassionate thing is to cut ties because some girls are crazy and think that an ex being nice means he still has romantic intentions for her.
Archatmos
Excellion
Fracture: Israfiel (WBR), Wujal (URG), Valedon (GUB), Amduat (BGW), Paladris (RWU)
Collision (Set Two of the Fracture Block)
Quest for the Forsaken (Set Two of the Excellion Block)
Katingal: Plane of Chains
Sale/Buy List!!!
Trade Thread---V
http://forums.mtgsalvation.com/showthread.php?t=89415 - Down atm
Sell/Buy List--V
http://forums.mtgsalvation.com/showthread.php?p=7460848#post7460848
Twitter!!
http://twitter.com/AaronRWilburn
When it eventually comes down to it, if you let this continue - you're going to hate her. She will irritate you when she holds you hand and talks, her voice will sound like nails on a chalk board, and you'll resent the fact that all of your free time is taken up being with her.
This is NOT a bad reflection on you, merely that you are now in a relationship that you don't feel you have a choice in (whether or not things are going good or not - losing your free will is a killer).
You are not responsible for her emotions. You should not self sacrifice for the sake of her problems. And you were not hired to be her support system.
And I realise this sounds horribly selfish but there are far too many people in the world with depression and sadly they tend to drag down those around them into their problems. Don't become part of the statistic. We need all the happy people we can get.
If you aren't enjoying it anymore and would rather be single - I would recommend breaking it off. The nicest way you know how (you know this girl better than any of us will ever be able to guess about) and I'm guessing she'll make your life difficult for a while but eventually - this , too, shall pass.
I suggest talking with her first about that, as a lot of women don't realize they are smothering the person they are dating. They figure that spending a lot of time with you is all they need to know and that "free-space" is something no one deserves.
Yes, I do feel that women don't recognize that men need their space.
If you talk to her about it, I am sure something can be worked out as I've had about the same problem before and fixed it through conversation.
Eventually we broke up, but this was because of an entirely separate problem that involves another man.
Drop her. Yeah, she'll be hurt, but that happens in break ups. You'll both get over it in your own time.
And as a general rule: The longer you wait, the more fallout you'll have to deal with.
Moderator Help Desk
Sales Thread
Why did you immediately decide to dump her?
Yup.
.
.
.
Homebrew is creating Magic.
Are you a pilot or a creator??
Probably because she was emotionally draining to be around all the time, every day.
She has obvious issues. She derives her whole identity from who she's with. So when you try to create some personal space for yourself, she is totally unable to deal with being alone and spirals into depression and self-harming behaviours.
Is she emo or being treated for borderline personality disorder by any chance?
When she says she's had a lot of exes, this should be a red flag for anyone under the age of 25. It's not that she has had lots of boyfriends - when I was her age I had been asked out a few times, and even accepted - but she is so willing to talk about them to someone she's only known for 3 months. It's really awkward to discuss for most people, and she seems to have no trouble breaching that personal boundary right away...
You both need to realize you're not responsible for her behaviours, she is. You should go ahead and end the relationship, it's not healthy and it sounds like it is making things worse for you. She'll either leech onto you for affection or she will resent you, or swing between both extremes. So consider yourself to have dodged a bullet by letting go now.
I've seen this stuff play out in reality already, so I'll just echo what everyone else has said. It does not work. You cannot change her, and the longer you wait the worse it is going to get. People she needs to be around are her friends and family and counselor, not you. If she has some sort of social inhibition or anxiety issue coupled with depression, it only gets more complex.
She needs a support system of some sort that she has to create for herself and take ownership of her disease. She has obviously yet to do so successfully. Definitely break up with her, if she expresses alarming behaviors alert the proper people within the college system. Break up with her now, and if anything happens at worst case scenario where has to be sent home. She can still do a full withdrawl from college with full money to get proper treatment if college is too much for her now. If anything, you'd be doing her a favor if she expresses the darker side of her disease.
Just get the proper information on how to contact the proper people before breaking up with her. Even if its a vein threat of suicide or self harm, turn her in.
If you were husband, this would be a different deal as you would have the emotional and legal leverage to convince her get help coupled with the financial power to pay for therapy. You lack everything with the inexperience to deal with such a needy woman.
Ambition must be made to counteract ambition.
Individualities may form communities, but it is institutions alone that can create a nation.
Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success.
Here is my principle: Taxes shall be levied according to ability to pay. That is the only American principle.
Just tear the bandage off and have her support system ready for it. It's the most responsible and respectful thing you can do.
INCIDENTALLY ENOUGH... my girlfriend is probably worse off in the depression area where she literally spent a year in a clinic because of 2 suicide attempts and such... didn't have friends when she was little because of parents being military and moving so much. Plus she's bi-polar (don't ask me how i deal with her... that's another novel).
so i know what you're talking about. It's ROUGH to disappoint her because it's not like the reaction you usually get from people, but the extremity of that spectrum. You say you need to dump this girl, but i think you need to re-evaluate first and make sure that is what you really want. She says she loves you blah blah blah and such because she probably has not spent much time being single (hence the many exes) so she is not independent.
If you are sure you want to dump her, you have to do it then.. just do it. waiting is the same as driving the nail deeper into the wood when you only wanted to slightly tap it.
It's not your responsibility and i agree with everything MikeyG is saying... sometimes life blows and you gotta do something you don't wanna do.
MY TRADING POST!
I play Standard and Draft at The Universe of Superheroes / The Wizard's Guild in Athens, OH.
To answer you and a couple others who brought this up, yes I have, and like I said in the OP, she says she understands but has a tendency to do it anyways. More importantly though, I guess I've sort of convinced myself that she loves me more than I'll ever be able to love her. Even if she stopped being clingy, I still don't think we would have mutual feelings. Her space issuees have already offput me a lot, and I'm sure many people can relate, once you lose your attraction to somebody, it's nearly impossible to get it back.
Not really emo, no. Personality disorder, possibly. When we first started hanging out, I couldn't tell that she had ever been depressed to be honest. When I began to date her and we grew closer, that's when I started to realize that she had an...er...darker side. By then she had already started to tell me how I had "no idea how much she loved me."
Anyways, thanks for the advice everyone. The consensus is obviously "Better if you don't do it anymore" so I'll certainly factor that into my decision.
Amazing sig by
GobboElysiumKCW,TFE,god_child,Harkius,DalkonCledwin,Arnnaria,Rianalnn, Gaea's Regent our sig main man!Join the EXODUS
Dude, it's normal to want to have time to and for yourself; (as an aside, however, antisocial behaviour specifically refers more to that which is contrary to societally-standard behaviour, not simply aggressive, hostile, and/or avoidant behaviour).
Is this actual diagnosed clinical depression? Can you be more specific? (Mind you, depression falls roughly into two categories; reactive (acute; reactive to psychosocial stressors (e.g. an awful day)) and clinical (chronic).)
Mmm... this is purely speculative at the moment, but your description is suggestive of her having a manifestation of a(t least one) 'cluster B' personality disorder (dramatic, emotional, and/or erratic), an attachment disorder or a dependent personality disorder, or manic-depressive psychosis.
The fact that she has a number of exes may be construed as being suggestive of "borderline" personality disorder; however, this is going on a limb. From your being with her, and knowledge of her, have you noticed lethargy and boredom quickly set in in her and impulsiveness, a fear of abandonment/rejection, frequent rapid changes in mood, and issues with self-esteem/self-image?
Of her former relationships, how much do you know? (Not just, "I'm better than him", or whatever.) Were those relationships, by and large, a string of unstable relationships?
Duly note, legally, you are not responsible for her.
Even if you were to become responsible for her, what of the future (can you picture yourself in your twilight years; will she merely become a - however you think or feel about her, forgive me to speak as follows - 'burden'?), of progeny (epidemiological studies indicate that a number of psychological disorders are hereditary) among the other many issues to be thought of and addressed?
If you find her to be a vacuum of your verve and cannot endure her further, one could suppose that you break up with her; which, perhaps, is not advisable, in case of 'blowback', which is likely in part thanks to the proximity of your places of residence.
On the flip side, however, it does sound like you are a 'white hat', and that, for fear of her (possible) instability, psychological issues, and future suicide attempts/self-harm (and the guilt, remorse, and/or self-resentment), you wouldn't break up - or, at least, immediately.
Perhaps, you could be subtle about suggesting psychotherapy (given she has attempted suicide; is this a genuine attempt, or parasuicide?), or seeing a psychiatrist (or, if your countries allows psychotherapists (psychologists, among other non-medical health professional folk) to diagnose) for a consult and, if so desired, undergo an initial psychiatric assessment / mental status examination.
Then, (if diagnosed and presented with options), if she were to take the psychotherapy route, you may need to stick around to facilitate the process (as 'unfair' as that may or may not be); which could be a while - a matter of months - and could incur a rather sizable cost.
If you would, perhaps you could elaborate on her history (biographical and historical (family and the childhood development would be most interesting), and medical and psychiatric history, if possible) and anything you feel is relevant.
ETA: (Or not.)
(Of course, it would be remiss for me to suggest that anyone will help, and that anything be diagnosed.)
I had a friend in a very similar situation, who dragged it out for months. He did have to make sure that her friends watched her for a few days after the breakup, and that's all you can do.
This girl has had exes before. She will be able to cope. If you continue to see her for months and months, you're just wasting her time and yours, and making it that harder to move on.
Just be kind and firm, and make sure she gets the message. If you really think she's fun, offer to be her friend. It might be weird at first, but at least you'll be able to help her cope with depression.
at any rate Lotus you should not feel like you are responsible for any of this that happened. Normal relationships don't work this way, FYI many young women can (and do) handle the concept of appropriate personal boundaries and personal space.
You might want to ask yourself what attracted you to her and how you might make better choices and decisions in the future. Just remember the old adage "Smart, sexy, sane - pick any TWO" and while the rare exception exists, you should understand what to look for and what to avoid.
@below post: ROFFFFLE. I approve! (Ah if only t were this easy!)
PTQ Top 8: 11/21/2009 Zendikar Sealed 4th
Would like to hear how everything went/is going.
And Magic Mage - that was an AWESOME read. Thankyou
And 'on him all the time' isn't the impression I got.
From personal experience (from both ends of the coin I have to, shamefully, admit) you can smother someone without actually being with them.
Constant text messages, questions and signs about missing them, where they are, who they're with, what they're doing etc etc. In a mutual ongoing (as in long term) relationship where you both understand each others boundaries you can do this unobtrusively (I think) but when a relationship is new and evolving it can be quite....stifling.
Even merely being 'upset' or 'moody' over something as trivial as being 5 minutes late, or cancelling plans or spending time with their friends without you.
And yes please, keep us updated Lotus. Even with the more detailed sections removed, we'll know what you're updating us on