So, outside of when we're in person, my girlfriend and I don't have many "deep" conversations, and it's been causing us to fight lately. She talks about how she has conversations about "life and feelings and stuff" with other people or what not, and I'm not exactly the "deep thinker" like that. I told her that if there was anything she wants to talk about, that she should just bring it up and I'd talk about it with her. She claims that it "doesn't work that way" and she can't "force it."
SO, basically, I'm asking, what are some good things to bring up and talk about, outside of the normal "how was your day.."?
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Hmmm, honestly, in my opinion, it seems like she's just trying too hard, but yeah, to answer your question:
Death
Sex
Religion
The afterlife
When all else fails, fall back on one of those.
However, I just want to say that a person can't be expected to be any more introspective than they are, and trying to force that sort of context into a relationship- or any context, really- rarely works.
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[16:23] Alacar Leoricar: maybe if you do it'll make the porn more meaningful
How long have you been with her? Is it a relatively new relationship? In my experience, this can be the case when you're starting things, but given time, conversation topics just appear naturally. Or maybe you guys just don't share many subjects of interest, which can also change as the relationship progresses.
You can't force deep conversations. Forced conversations ether end too quickly or end up in fights.
if you want an idea of what to do just BS about anything on your mind. Just start talking.
Lucky for me thats how me and my GF found that we love each other. That we can talk and talk for hours and forget the time frame of which we talk in.
Just remember though... you actually have to enjoy talking for this to work...lol If you get bored so shall she and end up being a bad time for the both of yous.
Yeah, let these types of convos start naturally. Turning to her all of a sudden and asking her how she views the death penalty is just er, weird and socially inept.
It could be that one or both of you are just not on the same wavelength with your verbal communication skills. Men tend to not want to discuss these things because they're raised to let actions speak louder than words in the moral and ethical realm. Also, more men than women are ambivalent about conversation in general, and you can see this quite easily when you go to a ballgame - a group of women will be chatting and discussing life at the office, in the neighborhood, family matters, work and crap. A group of men will be sitting commenting on the game at hand, or just sitting and silently enjoying the game together. It's definitely more than just "men are from mars, women are from venus" kind of thing. If this sort of difference in communication styles is an identifiable problem for you, time to think about how to go about mitigating it, compromising, or choosing a different partner who is more comfortable with the way you communicate. (Hey, there's your first serious topic of convo right there - communication breakdown!)
Often, it's the guy's reticence to comment on various and sundry things which leads the pace of the conversation and the relationship. A woman with a quiet, taciturn husband often seems less talkative and more reserved herself after picking up the patterns of conversation (or the lack of it) at home. For many women this feels unnatural and vice versa to guys who find it hard to keep up with their chatty sweethearts. This alone can start fights. The charged content of some of the things people say to each other will make it worse.
In short, I have no answer to your question, just some possibilities to ponder.
So, outside of when we're in person, my girlfriend and I don't have many "deep" conversations
So you don't have a problem when you're meeting face-to-face? Is the problem that she's expecting "deep" conversation on the phone and you just want to exchange a few words and get back to the internet? If that's the case, you should just say so. Tell her that, in general, men find that having a conversation on the telephone is impersonal and generally not very satisfying. If she can't accept that, there's not a whole lot you can do.
So you don't have a problem when you're meeting face-to-face?
Well, when we're face-to-face, there's generally more things to do. Like, we'll watch a movie together, or go get food, etc.
Is the problem that she's expecting "deep" conversation on the phone and you just want to exchange a few words and get back to the internet? If that's the case, you should just say so. Tell her that, in general, men find that having a conversation on the telephone is impersonal and generally not very satisfying. If she can't accept that, there's not a whole lot you can do.
It's actually our lack of talking a lot on the phone AND on the internet. It has nothing to do with one or the other.
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While I'm with my GF we can talk about anything for hours, just the simplest **** can become a really great conversation. On the phone though, its just hi and bye. While we don't "fight" over that, it does become annoying. My situatino is a bit different though, as my gf just hates talking on the phone. In my case, I just deal with it, as it makes the times we talk together a lot easier, as I get to talk about her week, her job, etc, instead of hearing about that **** every single day. If you need to talk about things over the phone, simply try saying that you need to let things out.
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I can't comment much on the male-female aspect of it, as the majority of men/boys I know are quite a talkative bunch (I guess I'm spoiled that way). However, I can identify with this situation, especially on her end.
I have a friend with whom I talk a lot and we have a number of "deep" conversations, however, sometimes she just isn't in the mood. And sometimes, neither am I. When I do want to talk, and she doesn't, I can feel frustrated because I feel like I'm being repelled.
From my experiences, I may share the following with you:
Much of the time, when some people really want to talk with you, they want to feel that you are listening to them and that you understand, and that you want to know what they feel/think. I notice in myself that when I am in the mood to talk a lot, sometimes all I really want is for someone to show that they're listening and that they care. Other times, I may just be genuinely interesed in discussing a specific topic. If your girlfriend wishes she and you had more involved conversations, it may be the first reason.
Here are some general things to think about. If you want to improve the level of communication between the two of you, you might try the following:
- Complain. Seriously. Tell her about your day. Things that got on your nerves. Things you wish would happen in your life. Then, maybe continue on with more positive talk, like something that made you laugh that day, or so on.
- Let her complain. Ask her how her day was, and when she begins to tell you, simply state back to her what she described as if to summarize. For instance, if she mentions something that happened at work that upset her, you might say, "Man, I bet that made you mad." This is called reflective listening, and is a good way to show someone you are paying attention and that you care.
- Think about how you talk with your other friends. What do you like to talk about, when you are least thinking about it? A good conversation is easier if the participants are relaxed. Maybe sometime, you could try telling her about something even if you're not sure she'd be interested, and see how it goes from there. Alternately, think about what her interests are, even if you don't share them.
Also, you may wish to pay some thought to the situation. Why do you think she feels this way? Maybe she wishes to feel more connected with you through talking? Maybe you could try to explain to her why you feel you don't talk as much as she does. You could say, "I'm not used to that kind of thing. I don't really know where to start." It could be her issue - that sounds harsh, but I'll explain what I mean. If you just aren't a very talkative person, and can't seem to get comfortable having a lot of complex discussions, maybe it'd be easier for her to spend more time conversing with her other friends more. It kind of depends on what she wants out of it. You could even try directly asking her why she brought it up, what bothers her about it, and so on.
You may not be very comfortable actually talking about what your feelings are. Maybe it's just not your personality. But don't put too much pressure on it.
Much like the others here, I'm not trying to give you any recipe for success, just some generalized ideas to consider. You know your relationship better than me, and you know your own needs better.
All that I yearn for, for richer or poorer, is to be the light that you see. All that I yearn for, for richer or poorer, is to be the peace that you feel. All that I yearn for, for richer or poorer, is to fill your heart on my own.
But the rainbow is an image of hope for many reasons, as it is a brilliant sight coming out of oftimes dismal weather.
Before I can give you advice, you have to tell me something.
What do you think about?
You can't hold a conversation using thoughts you don't have.
See, I'm fairly simple. Basically, I spend my time thinking about baseball, Dungeons and Dragons, and well...my girlfriend. We've had political discussions before, so that's out too, as she even specifically mentioned she doesn't want to talk politics much. She isn't into sports or roleplaying...We have some music in common, as well as our taste in movies and television for the most part. We both like animals...video games, although we prefer different genres. We don't exactly have tons in common, yet we still work because we care about each other and love each other a lot. We do go to different high schools, and she's a junior. I'm a senior. She doesn't work...I do, at a lawyer's office. I don't know, now i'm just rambling off on things.
Thanks for all the thoughts. It definitely gets me thinking.
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When I first starting going out with my girlfriend, I made a casual (but blunt) comment about how I hate chatting randomly on the phone. That solved that problem - now we never ever chat on the phone and neither of us have any problems with it.
So with that in mind, I'd suggest to just be truthful. If you're not pondering the deeper meanings of the universe, don't try to bring it up in conversation. Let her know.
See, I'm fairly simple. Basically, I spend my time thinking about baseball, Dungeons and Dragons, and well...my girlfriend. [...] she even specifically mentioned she doesn't want to talk politics much. [...] She isn't into sports or roleplaying...We have some music in common, as well as our taste in movies and television for the most part. We both like animals...video games, although we prefer different genres. [...] She doesn't work...I do, at a lawyer's office.
I can almost work with this. Simple question: What is she studying?
More complex chain of questions:
Why do you work at a lawyer's office?
Why do you like animals?
Why do you listen to music?
These will lead me into my final question for you... I think.
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I can almost work with this. Simple question: What is she studying?
Our high schools don't have definitive programs of study. She wants to go into law and politics in the future though.
Why do you work at a lawyer's office?
I got the job through my high school's co-op program. I'm going into computer forensics in college, which is semi-related to law, so I figured the experience would help me for the future.
Why do you like animals?
Being around animals is comforting to me, and I enjoy their company.
Why do you listen to music?
Many reasons, depending on the current situation. When I'm upset or angry, music helps relieve my stress. When I want to get energized, music helps get my adrenaline flowing. Various other reasons.
Quote from daivos »
May I suggest an 'its not you, its me' topic to start off with.
Then end it with something like, 'I still want to be your friend'.
Well, we're not breaking up...
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First let me say, thanks for sharing. I don't want to take your openness to answering my questions for granted.
Also, I think perhaps I should tell you now: I wouldn't exactly be a source on "good conversation." I merely recant, "know thyself." I think I know how to get people to see themselves.
That's what I'm trying to do here.
Our high schools don't have definitive programs of study. She wants to go into law and politics in the future though.
Okay.
Being around animals is comforting to me, and I enjoy their company.
Simple enough. Informative. Have you speculated as to why it is animals which cause this? As in, do you know of which property(ies) of 'animal' comfort you? Or are you content just to know that 'animal,' of the many things in the world, accomplishes this?
Many reasons, depending on the current situation. When I'm upset or angry, music helps relieve my stress. When I want to get energized, music helps get my adrenaline flowing. Various other reasons.
Hmmm. So, it's just a tool which aids you in accomplishing an arbitrary other task.
Dead end for my purposes, though.
I got the job through my high school's co-op program. I'm going into computer forensics in college, which is semi-related to law, so I figured the experience would help me for the future.
Sorry, what I meant was, why are you choosing to work in a lawyer's office? Why do you want to do computer forensics?
What is it about you, that makes you choose Law?
I caught earlier that she's into Law. If you know why you chose Law -- why, really, you chose Law -- then... you could think on why she chooses it too.
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Have you speculated as to why it is animals which cause this?
Not really.
As in, do you know of which property(ies) of 'animal' comfort you? Or are you content just to know that 'animal,' of the many things in the world, accomplishes this?
That's pretty much it. It's also only specific kinds of animals, like dogs. I suppose that it's because I've had a dog ever since I was 5.
Sorry, what I meant was, why are you choosing to work in a lawyer's office?
Because I think the experience it gives me will benefit me in my future career.
Why do you want to do computer forensics?
I've always been fascinated by computers and investigation of crimes. Putting them together, I discovered computer forensics.
What is it about you, that makes you choose Law?
I really...don't know. I've always watched shows like CSI, and while I understand that those shows are far from the real world, the whole concept fascinates me.
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Just open the newspaper, you'll have enough subject to rant for the whole day. Of course, if you stop and listen you'll even get to know her opinion on things.
Hmmm. So, it's just a tool which aids you in accomplishing an arbitrary other task.
Dead end for my purposes, though.
I doubt that music is that simple to BizkitOverlord, or any person at that. That is why there are so many different types of music. One person could get energized and relaxed from anything from Ja Rule to Cattle Decapitation to Cave In. Music is intricately connected to the human brain....
...and that is why it makes for such a good conversation topic. There, something relevant to the thread.
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Originally Posted by Green Arrow Yes I did, I wouldn't fully disagree with chronoplasam. Perhaps I do deserve toture. But who amongst us besides myself has what it takes to toture me?
Originally Posted by Highroller
Compared to what? I think compared to chocolate ice cream, women, unicorns, and kung fu, the state pretty much sucks.
Well, actually going to the movie theater is pretty rare. When I said that we watch movies, it's usually at my house. We went to the mall the other day, and this weekend she's coming over to my house for a Christmas dinner. The overwhelming majority of the times we hang out are at my house because it doesn't cost any money. She doesn't have a job and her mom is short for cash so I usually pay for her when we go out, so it can't be a lot.
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I agree with OptiMystic. You need to go out someplace where you can just focus on the time together with her. The park is a wonderful option as there is usually a walking path you can take so you don't have to focus on where you are going just the moment. Conversation will just happen as you both walk around in the other person's company. One of my favorite games to play when hanging out with someone is the bucket list game. It starts out very relaxed and as you progress into deeper bucket list items the conversation builds up around what was said as it hits an interest. It is a very easy way to get to know someone while sharing a bit about yourself at the same time. Warning for Spam. Please do not necro ancient threads. - Jay13x
SO, basically, I'm asking, what are some good things to bring up and talk about, outside of the normal "how was your day.."?
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Death
Sex
Religion
The afterlife
When all else fails, fall back on one of those.
However, I just want to say that a person can't be expected to be any more introspective than they are, and trying to force that sort of context into a relationship- or any context, really- rarely works.
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if you want an idea of what to do just BS about anything on your mind. Just start talking.
Lucky for me thats how me and my GF found that we love each other. That we can talk and talk for hours and forget the time frame of which we talk in.
Just remember though... you actually have to enjoy talking for this to work...lol If you get bored so shall she and end up being a bad time for the both of yous.
It could be that one or both of you are just not on the same wavelength with your verbal communication skills. Men tend to not want to discuss these things because they're raised to let actions speak louder than words in the moral and ethical realm. Also, more men than women are ambivalent about conversation in general, and you can see this quite easily when you go to a ballgame - a group of women will be chatting and discussing life at the office, in the neighborhood, family matters, work and crap. A group of men will be sitting commenting on the game at hand, or just sitting and silently enjoying the game together. It's definitely more than just "men are from mars, women are from venus" kind of thing. If this sort of difference in communication styles is an identifiable problem for you, time to think about how to go about mitigating it, compromising, or choosing a different partner who is more comfortable with the way you communicate. (Hey, there's your first serious topic of convo right there - communication breakdown!)
Often, it's the guy's reticence to comment on various and sundry things which leads the pace of the conversation and the relationship. A woman with a quiet, taciturn husband often seems less talkative and more reserved herself after picking up the patterns of conversation (or the lack of it) at home. For many women this feels unnatural and vice versa to guys who find it hard to keep up with their chatty sweethearts. This alone can start fights. The charged content of some of the things people say to each other will make it worse.
In short, I have no answer to your question, just some possibilities to ponder.
So you don't have a problem when you're meeting face-to-face? Is the problem that she's expecting "deep" conversation on the phone and you just want to exchange a few words and get back to the internet? If that's the case, you should just say so. Tell her that, in general, men find that having a conversation on the telephone is impersonal and generally not very satisfying. If she can't accept that, there's not a whole lot you can do.
A year and nearly 9 months.
Well, when we're face-to-face, there's generally more things to do. Like, we'll watch a movie together, or go get food, etc.
It's actually our lack of talking a lot on the phone AND on the internet. It has nothing to do with one or the other.
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I have a friend with whom I talk a lot and we have a number of "deep" conversations, however, sometimes she just isn't in the mood. And sometimes, neither am I. When I do want to talk, and she doesn't, I can feel frustrated because I feel like I'm being repelled.
From my experiences, I may share the following with you:
Much of the time, when some people really want to talk with you, they want to feel that you are listening to them and that you understand, and that you want to know what they feel/think. I notice in myself that when I am in the mood to talk a lot, sometimes all I really want is for someone to show that they're listening and that they care. Other times, I may just be genuinely interesed in discussing a specific topic. If your girlfriend wishes she and you had more involved conversations, it may be the first reason.
Here are some general things to think about. If you want to improve the level of communication between the two of you, you might try the following:
- Complain. Seriously. Tell her about your day. Things that got on your nerves. Things you wish would happen in your life. Then, maybe continue on with more positive talk, like something that made you laugh that day, or so on.
- Let her complain. Ask her how her day was, and when she begins to tell you, simply state back to her what she described as if to summarize. For instance, if she mentions something that happened at work that upset her, you might say, "Man, I bet that made you mad." This is called reflective listening, and is a good way to show someone you are paying attention and that you care.
- Think about how you talk with your other friends. What do you like to talk about, when you are least thinking about it? A good conversation is easier if the participants are relaxed. Maybe sometime, you could try telling her about something even if you're not sure she'd be interested, and see how it goes from there. Alternately, think about what her interests are, even if you don't share them.
Also, you may wish to pay some thought to the situation. Why do you think she feels this way? Maybe she wishes to feel more connected with you through talking? Maybe you could try to explain to her why you feel you don't talk as much as she does. You could say, "I'm not used to that kind of thing. I don't really know where to start." It could be her issue - that sounds harsh, but I'll explain what I mean. If you just aren't a very talkative person, and can't seem to get comfortable having a lot of complex discussions, maybe it'd be easier for her to spend more time conversing with her other friends more. It kind of depends on what she wants out of it. You could even try directly asking her why she brought it up, what bothers her about it, and so on.
You may not be very comfortable actually talking about what your feelings are. Maybe it's just not your personality. But don't put too much pressure on it.
Much like the others here, I'm not trying to give you any recipe for success, just some generalized ideas to consider. You know your relationship better than me, and you know your own needs better.
All that I yearn for, for richer or poorer, is to be the peace that you feel.
All that I yearn for, for richer or poorer, is to fill your heart on my own.
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What do you think about?
You can't hold a conversation using thoughts you don't have.
Awesome avatar provided by Krashbot @ [Epic Graphics].
See, I'm fairly simple. Basically, I spend my time thinking about baseball, Dungeons and Dragons, and well...my girlfriend. We've had political discussions before, so that's out too, as she even specifically mentioned she doesn't want to talk politics much. She isn't into sports or roleplaying...We have some music in common, as well as our taste in movies and television for the most part. We both like animals...video games, although we prefer different genres. We don't exactly have tons in common, yet we still work because we care about each other and love each other a lot. We do go to different high schools, and she's a junior. I'm a senior. She doesn't work...I do, at a lawyer's office. I don't know, now i'm just rambling off on things.
Thanks for all the thoughts. It definitely gets me thinking.
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So with that in mind, I'd suggest to just be truthful. If you're not pondering the deeper meanings of the universe, don't try to bring it up in conversation. Let her know.
I can almost work with this. Simple question: What is she studying?
More complex chain of questions:
Why do you work at a lawyer's office?
Why do you like animals?
Why do you listen to music?
These will lead me into my final question for you... I think.
Awesome avatar provided by Krashbot @ [Epic Graphics].
Then end it with something like, 'I still want to be your friend'.
Our high schools don't have definitive programs of study. She wants to go into law and politics in the future though.
I got the job through my high school's co-op program. I'm going into computer forensics in college, which is semi-related to law, so I figured the experience would help me for the future.
Being around animals is comforting to me, and I enjoy their company.
Many reasons, depending on the current situation. When I'm upset or angry, music helps relieve my stress. When I want to get energized, music helps get my adrenaline flowing. Various other reasons.
Well, we're not breaking up...
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Also, I think perhaps I should tell you now: I wouldn't exactly be a source on "good conversation." I merely recant, "know thyself." I think I know how to get people to see themselves.
That's what I'm trying to do here.
Okay.
Simple enough. Informative. Have you speculated as to why it is animals which cause this? As in, do you know of which property(ies) of 'animal' comfort you? Or are you content just to know that 'animal,' of the many things in the world, accomplishes this?
Hmmm. So, it's just a tool which aids you in accomplishing an arbitrary other task.
Dead end for my purposes, though.
Sorry, what I meant was, why are you choosing to work in a lawyer's office? Why do you want to do computer forensics?
What is it about you, that makes you choose Law?
I caught earlier that she's into Law. If you know why you chose Law -- why, really, you chose Law -- then... you could think on why she chooses it too.
Awesome avatar provided by Krashbot @ [Epic Graphics].
Thanks.
Not really.
That's pretty much it. It's also only specific kinds of animals, like dogs. I suppose that it's because I've had a dog ever since I was 5.
Because I think the experience it gives me will benefit me in my future career.
I've always been fascinated by computers and investigation of crimes. Putting them together, I discovered computer forensics.
I really...don't know. I've always watched shows like CSI, and while I understand that those shows are far from the real world, the whole concept fascinates me.
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I doubt that music is that simple to BizkitOverlord, or any person at that. That is why there are so many different types of music. One person could get energized and relaxed from anything from Ja Rule to Cattle Decapitation to Cave In. Music is intricately connected to the human brain....
...and that is why it makes for such a good conversation topic. There, something relevant to the thread.
now begins the thousand years of REIGN OF BLOOD!
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