Healthy relationships are about two people caring for each other equally.
Most people are in healthy relationships, we just don't notice them because they aren't causing a scene for lack of a better description.
We notice the stories about sick relationships.
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Don't you see that the whole aim of Moderators is to narrow the range of thought? In the end we shall make infractions literally impossible, because there will be no words in which to express it. Every concept that can ever be needed, will be expressed by exactly one word, with its meaning rigidly defined and all its subsidiary meanings rubbed out and forgotten.
The insistence that one must always win an argument and one must always lose on the basis of gender, that is quite a different thing in my mind.
The key is in understanding the female mind a little better. Their brain multitasks, ours hunts. By the time they ask you to do something, they have mentioned it offhand or thought about it so many times that they are about ready to beat you over the head with a waffle iron if you don't get the oddball chore done.
IF you learn to communicate and say things like " 3 weeks from Saturday I have a tournament I am going to. Might be a good day to take the kids to your mom's to visit". You gave a day, advance warning, suggested an alternative activity and gave her plenty of time to get other crap done. Do NOT let your life become an ultimatum game "Well you can't go if you don't clean the garage this Sunday" because they will always find some way to make you miss whatever arbitrary deadline for that task. As soon as you let them get away with an ultimatum, they use it every time. IF they say "can you get the garage cleaned sometime before then?", that is proper communication. That is how it SHOULD work.
Also, you can use the "will I care about this tomorrow?" rule. IF she says something or does something and it will not have any impact on tomorrow, ignore it. Did she yell at the waiter in a restaurant you hate going to and/or costs a ton of money? great, you don't have to go there anymore! Why get into an argument over it?
Also, be wary of every "single and loving it" friend a woman has. Many are bitter and jealous. Every woman has the bitter jealous frenemy. Be sure you know which ones they are and always minimize interaction with them.
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Former DCI Tournament Organizer
What is the standard organisational structure of shadow organisation?(Gotta love 4Chan)
Current MTGO Player and paper reseller/speculator.
I will have been married 20 years in June, and let me tell you that caring about all this garbage about who is in control is what screws up relationships. A good marriage is a partnership in which each decision is product of both people who don't count points or dollars or wins...they just deal with things as they come in a healthy and considerate way. My wife is a human being whom I love and respect immensely, and as such I treat her like a human being, not as some archetype of "woman" or "wife". I am not sure why that is so hard to understand.
Not much time and energy is required for a relationship without children.
I disagree. My husband and I have invested a lot of time and energy into our childless relationship. Judging by things some people have told me who have kids, we work on our relationship much more then they do (basically, because we have more time.)
That is absolutely true. The very first thing that goes when you start to have kids is any work you were doing on the relationship because you feel like you are barely holding on with the kids as it is. This is not the end of the world because you have this baby that ties you together for a while, but eventually you have to get back to your partner and take care of each other if you want to succeed as a family with two committed parents. The reality is that any relationship requires work at times...all good things do,
Why do people think that women are super competitive and have frienemies? I don't even know why anyone would have a frienemy. If you don't like someone, don't be friends with them - it's very simple. The people I am friends with are all very kind, supportive, and compassionate.
It's hasty generalization that's the problem here. Some people do the frenemy thing, some people don't. And by "people" I mean do people of either sex. Psychologists may be able to discern a statistical difference between the sexes in people expressing this behavior, or they may not. But even if it is more woman-typical than man-typical (something I honestly doubt), it's just silly to make such vainglorious pontifications about "all women".
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Vive, vale. Siquid novisti rectius istis,
candidus inperti; si nil, his utere mecum.
I've been married for 3 years, to a woman I've been with romantically for 8 years. If that seems odd to you, just imagine all the ***** I took for it. Ever hear of a 4 year engagement? My wife didn't. I didn't either, but I ended up in one. All the *****ing, *****ing, *****ING to get married cause reasons, and we finally did it. It wasn't that I didn't want to, it's just that I'm lazy and had to be dragged into it. Long story short, we work out well enough. 3 kids. She works, I stay home. She's an amazing worker. Usually I have to fight her to take a sick day so we can all go to the zoo or some such. Not because she's a career freak, she just doesn't like to leave her coworkers hanging. Admirable. To which I argue well, let them burn and let's go see a movie. Two sides of the same coin, really. She's the responsible lawful-good provider and I'm the irresponsible, chaotic-neutral scumbag she married.
As for women being in charge of the relationship. We talk about these things, my wife and I. We discuss bills and fun money outings and et cetera, et cetera. But I also try to make it a point to discuss her views on her position in the relationship. Not to draw lines, but to positively reinforce her for what she dies for both ourselves and our kids.
One of the problems she and I both have with women being "in control" of the relationship is history. You know, women fought for years to be equal. Fought for years to get out of the kitchen and work, or be able to vote, or be paid an equal wage. Fought for their very rights as a human being, and not property of a man. And to all those fighters and pioneers of women's rights, I say bravo, ladies. You forged a new road for your daughters to be considered equal.
So...fast forward about, what, 30 years? To 2014? All you see on tv is shaking booties. Every rap video has a scantily clad female. Every club is filled with scantily clad females. If you look at a woman with a low cut dress, you're a pig. Young females are becoming more sexually active and dress more like what they see on tv than what their parents are or are not telling them. A woman can almost single-handedly destroy the lives of a family unit be seeking a divorce after which she will be awarded the house, children, and support in what, 75+% of cases? There's all this outcry over sex in videogames, sex on tv, how it all pertains to women's rights, women's rights, women's rights...
I'm very confused here. No, I'm not saying all women do the things I've listed. No, I'm not saying you're all whores. Not at all. What I am saying is that there was a whole lot of effort, blood, sweat and tears that went into the movement to solidify a woman's personal rights and to protect her place in the world as a free human being, constrained by nothing but her own abilities...and it doesn't really seem that the youth of this country recognize that? And it doesn't really seem like the parents of that youth care. So to be totally honest, women being in control is kind of a joke, sexist, and total BS all in the same sentence.
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"Some say that time is cyclical and that history inevitably repeats. My will is my own. I won't bow to fate."
I heard a radio pundit recently quote some female blogger along these lines regarding the equal pay bill - "Forty years ago, women stood up demanding equal pay for equal work. The unequivocal response from men was, 'Fine! Great! Finally, it's not just on me to provide!' To that, women made a double-take. And they've been stuck in that double-take for all of these forty years."
When American culture stopped being defined literally by class, it only went on to be defined artificially by class. Any given woman might have any number of positive, male-stereotyped qualities, be ambitious in her career, a good provider, what have you. But more important than conforming or not conforming to a stereotype in reality, she was sold at one point or another the idea that women belong to a stereotype. So every perceived slight has a high likelihood to be attributed to class by the one receiving it, and a very low likelihood to be motivated by class by the one giving it. It's a Chinese finger puzzle where the harder you consciously try to pull out of it, the more you mire yourself in it. That's what you see in a lot of modern marriages. Ultimatums being issued from a position perceived to be weak by the one giving them, but coming actually from a position of great legal strength in an objective sense.
Look at it this way. If you had any person at work on an equal level as you, regardless of class, make repeated, forceful, irrational mandates on you, what would you think was going on? I would suspect that person of being very insecure and defensive, because of a known weakness in their own work. If a woman buys into the stereotype that they're weak, the reaction out of that is forceful and controlling. Anyone who perceives an imbalance in power, real or imagined, may be motivated to grab power.
So in the end, it's both about class and not about class at the same time. Not about class, because anyone would react that way if they thought they were at the butt end of persecution. But also about class because it's on a class basis they they believe they're persecuted. People are just people deep down, but some people believe they have to lash out because they are women. Just make sure you're involved with someone who's good at thinking themselves out of a paper bag.
It is so disappointing that people can be smart enough to master a game as complex as Magic, and still be stupid enough to ask a question like this when they live in such a blatantly sexist society.
1. I'll have you know that I have never mastered Magic.
2. Your post is devoid of content.
3. The interaction in any society between males and females in general is not necessarily the same thing as the interaction in that same society between an individual male and an individual female in a monogamous heterosexual relationship in specific.
I mean, honestly, listen to yourselves > some of you sound like sour old retiree's who treat women like *****, and then complain when they treat you the same way. R.E.S.P.E.C.T. fella's, bloody well try it out.
It is so disappointing that people can be smart enough to master a game as complex as Magic, and still be stupid enough to ask a question like this when they live in such a blatantly sexist society.
I think the point is fair. Men in pretty much every country in the world have the best of it.
(If you're) .... married by a certain age... then you set yourself up positionally .... where the women have the power and are "in charge"
This is a gross generalisation.
I got married at 20, have shared the best years of my life with the women of my dreams. I don't feel trapped in the slightest, I feel privileged and extremely lucky.
If marriage looks like a trap to anyone here, there are plenty of women out there who don't believe in marriage and/or don't want kids > go find one.
Women are not 'in charge' as a universal rule. That's a belief only perpetuated by people who believe women should be mommies to their grown men.
Very true.
A lot of people will say "She wears the pants", but in reality, the pair make decisions together. Man says she wears the pants, because in truth he'd be willing to change his mind because he loves her, respects her and wants to keep her happy. She will not always get her way either, it's the social pride that some men have, that dictates that you're the boss in your relationship, when in reality, you both steer the ship.
Happiness is relative, and whilst arguing constantly is normal in some relationships, respect & honesty must always be a part of a marriage > cos otherwise you've got jack-*****.
If your marriage has turned to jack-*****, chances are the respect, honesty and/or willingness to compromise, in your relationship dried up.
So treat each other with TLC.
Slave-I think you have misunderstood Tomcat26...
In any partnership it's the person who cares the most about preserving that relationship who is at a disadvantage.
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As humans, we have a tendency to cling to ideologies. Any positive set of beliefs can quickly turn malevolent once treated as ideology and not an honest intellectual or experiential pursuit of greater truth. Ideology does in entire economic systems and countries, causes religions to massacre thousands, turns human rights movements into authoritarian sects and makes fools out of humanity’s most brilliant minds. Einstein famously wasted the second half of his career trying to calculate a cosmological constant that didn’t exist because “God doesn’t play dice.”
Call me a traditionalist but if you pay most to 100% of the rent and bills, you should de facto be in charge of the household. This is not limited to men. I know I earned way more than my ex-fiance and paid the lion's share of the rent and bills. So I had a lot of say.
Money talks.
However the person who earns less money (and stop kidding yourself, this is infinitely more likely to be the woman) does a huge amount of unpaid labour for you. Cooking, cleaning, looking after the children, that is three professions in one, and FOR FREE. So if you think that the non-worker is just sitting on their butt all day, think about it for a second.
Also, Jesus ******* Christ women "allowed" to have jobs. "The only thing you gain from having a relationship with a woman is sex". I find these incredibly offensive, and I am male myself.
@The actual thread topic: Think about it for a second. If both partners were men, and one acted like you think many women do, would you still think that that man was dominant?
Uggh I see we have yet another poster here to parrot feminist talking points. Women make less because among other things they prioritize other things over work. Men do just as much house work if you expand the definition beyond the very limited definition feminists use in their second shift propaganda. Batterysrevenge has a point that making the most money puts one in a perceived position of power how true that is when the rubber meets the road though is questionable, in family court if your the primary earner you are absolutely at a disadvantage.
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As humans, we have a tendency to cling to ideologies. Any positive set of beliefs can quickly turn malevolent once treated as ideology and not an honest intellectual or experiential pursuit of greater truth. Ideology does in entire economic systems and countries, causes religions to massacre thousands, turns human rights movements into authoritarian sects and makes fools out of humanity’s most brilliant minds. Einstein famously wasted the second half of his career trying to calculate a cosmological constant that didn’t exist because “God doesn’t play dice.”
Uggh I see we have yet another poster here to parrot feminist talking points. Women make less because among other things they prioritize other things over work.
Does this have a source, and by source I don't mean some blog.
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What's the big deal? You could have played multiple Righteous Avengers for years now.
Honestly I find the concept of the woman being in charge of ANYTHING to be preposterous. Everybody harps on about equality and partnership, but then at other times, bull***** like "happy wife, happy life" and "sometimes its better to be happy than to be right". If I am wrong I expect to be told so. And if my girlfriend is wrong, I will tell her she is wrong. Its that simple.
Equality is for all the time. I think caving in when the other person is blatantly wrong on an issue, is for pantywaists. Sorry to say.
Once again, at the risk of feeding the troll, I'd like to address Buttman's more substantive points because I am in agreement with certain aspects of his overall contention.
The concept of the woman being in charge of the heterosexual monogamous relationship may be a preposterouis proposition to those who believe in equality within the relationship, but I think the point of OP is that there are actually some who begrudgingly feel that this has somehow resulted to be the case.
In other words, to those who assume equality in relationships, they might ask OP...How, how on earth did you get the assumption that women are "in charge" of these relationships?
My point is that there are honestly some men who set themselves up in such a way that women are in charge. In my opinion it doesn't have anything to do gender at all. Instead, it's my position that if you are the kind of person that fails to assert yourself adequately, and you give power to the other party, then indeed they will be in charge.
The person who continually caves to his/her partner, be it man or woman is no longer in charge. Caving in occasionally is a compromise. Caving in all the time is to surrender your spine, and indeed if you are in that position, you constructively "give charge" to your partner.
I find this thread to be fascinating because it says much about people.
There was a poster a few months ago on the modern prices forum. He was very angry and upset that Starcitygames screwed him over.
How did SCG screw him over? By raising the prices of Liliana of the Veils to $70 each when Modern season was hot.
This is very very interesting to me because it illuminates how people think.
In order to feel screwed over by Starcitygames, he had to believe the following:
1) I have no choice but to pay $70 per liliana of the veil.
2) Because I had no choice but to pay, SCG's actions have harmed me adversely.
As a result of those two beliefs, the poster had anger and resentment towards Starcitygames. That is absolutely fascinating.
He took away his own freedom of choice, and by so doing set himself up in the position where if Starcitygames acted a certain way, he would be hurt by it.
Even something as simple as acknowledging he could purchase cards from TCGplayer would have been sufficient to mitigate his resentment. But it did not happen.
I believe people do the same thing in relationships. People take away their own freedom of choice. They believe, I can't leave this person because they are my wife and I absolutely MUST have a wife. Or I MUST NOT be alone. Therefore when wife rocks the boat and is unreasonable, I HAVE NO CHOICE but to cave in. Happy wife happy life.
denying oneself freedom of choice creates relational assymetries. Those relational assymetries breed resentment and anger to those who did not actively desire it from the start.
The person who *always* folds in poker is guaranteed to lose. So too is the person who always caves in, guaranteed to lose charge of the relationship and their say in it.
Men control the relationship throughout the dating process. Once you put a ring on her finger tho it's the end of control for you. Most wait until they are married to start being controlling, but some do it as soon as you do the engagement. It sucks but that's just how it is. Hence why this man will be single forever.
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Healthy relationships are about two people caring for each other equally.
Most people are in healthy relationships, we just don't notice them because they aren't causing a scene for lack of a better description.
We notice the stories about sick relationships.
The key is in understanding the female mind a little better. Their brain multitasks, ours hunts. By the time they ask you to do something, they have mentioned it offhand or thought about it so many times that they are about ready to beat you over the head with a waffle iron if you don't get the oddball chore done.
IF you learn to communicate and say things like " 3 weeks from Saturday I have a tournament I am going to. Might be a good day to take the kids to your mom's to visit". You gave a day, advance warning, suggested an alternative activity and gave her plenty of time to get other crap done. Do NOT let your life become an ultimatum game "Well you can't go if you don't clean the garage this Sunday" because they will always find some way to make you miss whatever arbitrary deadline for that task. As soon as you let them get away with an ultimatum, they use it every time. IF they say "can you get the garage cleaned sometime before then?", that is proper communication. That is how it SHOULD work.
Also, you can use the "will I care about this tomorrow?" rule. IF she says something or does something and it will not have any impact on tomorrow, ignore it. Did she yell at the waiter in a restaurant you hate going to and/or costs a ton of money? great, you don't have to go there anymore! Why get into an argument over it?
Also, be wary of every "single and loving it" friend a woman has. Many are bitter and jealous. Every woman has the bitter jealous frenemy. Be sure you know which ones they are and always minimize interaction with them.
Current MTGO Player and paper reseller/speculator.
Reprint Opt for Modern!!
FREE DIG THOROUGH TIME!
PLAY MORE ROUGE DECKS!
Reprint Opt for Modern!!
FREE DIG THOROUGH TIME!
PLAY MORE ROUGE DECKS!
candidus inperti; si nil, his utere mecum.
As for women being in charge of the relationship. We talk about these things, my wife and I. We discuss bills and fun money outings and et cetera, et cetera. But I also try to make it a point to discuss her views on her position in the relationship. Not to draw lines, but to positively reinforce her for what she dies for both ourselves and our kids.
One of the problems she and I both have with women being "in control" of the relationship is history. You know, women fought for years to be equal. Fought for years to get out of the kitchen and work, or be able to vote, or be paid an equal wage. Fought for their very rights as a human being, and not property of a man. And to all those fighters and pioneers of women's rights, I say bravo, ladies. You forged a new road for your daughters to be considered equal.
So...fast forward about, what, 30 years? To 2014? All you see on tv is shaking booties. Every rap video has a scantily clad female. Every club is filled with scantily clad females. If you look at a woman with a low cut dress, you're a pig. Young females are becoming more sexually active and dress more like what they see on tv than what their parents are or are not telling them. A woman can almost single-handedly destroy the lives of a family unit be seeking a divorce after which she will be awarded the house, children, and support in what, 75+% of cases? There's all this outcry over sex in videogames, sex on tv, how it all pertains to women's rights, women's rights, women's rights...
I'm very confused here. No, I'm not saying all women do the things I've listed. No, I'm not saying you're all whores. Not at all. What I am saying is that there was a whole lot of effort, blood, sweat and tears that went into the movement to solidify a woman's personal rights and to protect her place in the world as a free human being, constrained by nothing but her own abilities...and it doesn't really seem that the youth of this country recognize that? And it doesn't really seem like the parents of that youth care. So to be totally honest, women being in control is kind of a joke, sexist, and total BS all in the same sentence.
Volrath the FallenB Empress GalinaU Oona, Queen of the FaeBUAgrus Kos, Wojek VeteranRW
When American culture stopped being defined literally by class, it only went on to be defined artificially by class. Any given woman might have any number of positive, male-stereotyped qualities, be ambitious in her career, a good provider, what have you. But more important than conforming or not conforming to a stereotype in reality, she was sold at one point or another the idea that women belong to a stereotype. So every perceived slight has a high likelihood to be attributed to class by the one receiving it, and a very low likelihood to be motivated by class by the one giving it. It's a Chinese finger puzzle where the harder you consciously try to pull out of it, the more you mire yourself in it. That's what you see in a lot of modern marriages. Ultimatums being issued from a position perceived to be weak by the one giving them, but coming actually from a position of great legal strength in an objective sense.
Look at it this way. If you had any person at work on an equal level as you, regardless of class, make repeated, forceful, irrational mandates on you, what would you think was going on? I would suspect that person of being very insecure and defensive, because of a known weakness in their own work. If a woman buys into the stereotype that they're weak, the reaction out of that is forceful and controlling. Anyone who perceives an imbalance in power, real or imagined, may be motivated to grab power.
So in the end, it's both about class and not about class at the same time. Not about class, because anyone would react that way if they thought they were at the butt end of persecution. But also about class because it's on a class basis they they believe they're persecuted. People are just people deep down, but some people believe they have to lash out because they are women. Just make sure you're involved with someone who's good at thinking themselves out of a paper bag.
1. I'll have you know that I have never mastered Magic.
2. Your post is devoid of content.
3. The interaction in any society between males and females in general is not necessarily the same thing as the interaction in that same society between an individual male and an individual female in a monogamous heterosexual relationship in specific.
I mean, honestly, listen to yourselves > some of you sound like sour old retiree's who treat women like *****, and then complain when they treat you the same way.
R.E.S.P.E.C.T. fella's, bloody well try it out.
I think the point is fair. Men in pretty much every country in the world have the best of it.
This is a gross generalisation.
I got married at 20, have shared the best years of my life with the women of my dreams. I don't feel trapped in the slightest, I feel privileged and extremely lucky.
If marriage looks like a trap to anyone here, there are plenty of women out there who don't believe in marriage and/or don't want kids > go find one.
Very true.
A lot of people will say "She wears the pants", but in reality, the pair make decisions together. Man says she wears the pants, because in truth he'd be willing to change his mind because he loves her, respects her and wants to keep her happy. She will not always get her way either, it's the social pride that some men have, that dictates that you're the boss in your relationship, when in reality, you both steer the ship.
Happiness is relative, and whilst arguing constantly is normal in some relationships, respect & honesty must always be a part of a marriage > cos otherwise you've got jack-*****.
If your marriage has turned to jack-*****, chances are the respect, honesty and/or willingness to compromise, in your relationship dried up.
So treat each other with TLC.
In any partnership it's the person who cares the most about preserving that relationship who is at a disadvantage.
However the person who earns less money (and stop kidding yourself, this is infinitely more likely to be the woman) does a huge amount of unpaid labour for you. Cooking, cleaning, looking after the children, that is three professions in one, and FOR FREE. So if you think that the non-worker is just sitting on their butt all day, think about it for a second.
Also, Jesus ******* Christ women "allowed" to have jobs. "The only thing you gain from having a relationship with a woman is sex". I find these incredibly offensive, and I am male myself.
@The actual thread topic: Think about it for a second. If both partners were men, and one acted like you think many women do, would you still think that that man was dominant?
Does this have a source, and by source I don't mean some blog.
Equality is for all the time. I think caving in when the other person is blatantly wrong on an issue, is for pantywaists. Sorry to say.
Warning for trolling
The concept of the woman being in charge of the heterosexual monogamous relationship may be a preposterouis proposition to those who believe in equality within the relationship, but I think the point of OP is that there are actually some who begrudgingly feel that this has somehow resulted to be the case.
In other words, to those who assume equality in relationships, they might ask OP...How, how on earth did you get the assumption that women are "in charge" of these relationships?
My point is that there are honestly some men who set themselves up in such a way that women are in charge. In my opinion it doesn't have anything to do gender at all. Instead, it's my position that if you are the kind of person that fails to assert yourself adequately, and you give power to the other party, then indeed they will be in charge.
The person who continually caves to his/her partner, be it man or woman is no longer in charge. Caving in occasionally is a compromise. Caving in all the time is to surrender your spine, and indeed if you are in that position, you constructively "give charge" to your partner.
There was a poster a few months ago on the modern prices forum. He was very angry and upset that Starcitygames screwed him over.
How did SCG screw him over? By raising the prices of Liliana of the Veils to $70 each when Modern season was hot.
This is very very interesting to me because it illuminates how people think.
In order to feel screwed over by Starcitygames, he had to believe the following:
1) I have no choice but to pay $70 per liliana of the veil.
2) Because I had no choice but to pay, SCG's actions have harmed me adversely.
As a result of those two beliefs, the poster had anger and resentment towards Starcitygames. That is absolutely fascinating.
He took away his own freedom of choice, and by so doing set himself up in the position where if Starcitygames acted a certain way, he would be hurt by it.
Even something as simple as acknowledging he could purchase cards from TCGplayer would have been sufficient to mitigate his resentment. But it did not happen.
I believe people do the same thing in relationships. People take away their own freedom of choice. They believe, I can't leave this person because they are my wife and I absolutely MUST have a wife. Or I MUST NOT be alone. Therefore when wife rocks the boat and is unreasonable, I HAVE NO CHOICE but to cave in. Happy wife happy life.
denying oneself freedom of choice creates relational assymetries. Those relational assymetries breed resentment and anger to those who did not actively desire it from the start.
The person who *always* folds in poker is guaranteed to lose. So too is the person who always caves in, guaranteed to lose charge of the relationship and their say in it.