Coria was sitting on her bed in her room, which had carved stone walls and floor, a small rug on the floor and a wood desk next to her bed that had pictures of Coria with her father at various stages in her life. She was a bit glum as not only was there a plane wide war going on, she also felt completely useless to do anything. Coria was definatly different from the others in terms of species, which sometimes made her feel like an outcast. She also still wondered why her her foster dad even adopted her in the first place.
Coria was not like the others, with her red skin, peach muzzle, and no fur. She had dark red hair and also had short, quill-like spikes coming down from the top of her head, and a short tail that tapered at the end. Coria often wore a tan-ish midrif shirt with medium length sleeves and also tan-ish long pants. She also often wears a dark grey beenie like hat she found outside of the wolf realm. Coria was 16 years old but wondered if she was just basically eye candy to everyone else.
Coria's father happened to be Triel ,the leader of the wolves whom, like her and most every other sentinent being, could walk and talk like humans.The wolves often were pretty big by Coria's standards and as such she often is careful not to provoke any of them in any way.
Triel, although mean, rough, and tough, had a soft spot for Coria and was often protective of her. He also enjoyed her music, which Coria was quite good at but often downplayed it. She one day discovered her ability to basically summon a guitar like instrument out of thin air. While she never could quite explain how or why, she found that she could play it rather well and often played serinating music, though the some of the other wolves wern't so fond of it.
Coria often wondered when she'd get her chance to really prove herself to everyone that she wasn't some defenseless girl. Coria wanted to train herself in the art of combat but the other wolves wouldn't allow her. Feeling left out and excluded, she longed for more. She longed to make her father proud but outside of actual battle, she wasn't sure if anything would.
OH my, this conversation is going at an absolutely blistering pace.
On topic: I feel like your first chapter is more an amalgam of ideas and themes you would like to have represented throughout your story rather than the actual meat (or body of work). It's obvious you have a clear idea of what you generally want the world to be like physically and culturally, but anecdotal evidence over just telling your reader what the world is like might be more effective in portraying these elements.
You might consider not revealing your main-character's differences right away as the narrator in the third person, but through her interactions with other characters. You might be able to set us up for a surprise that sets the tone of the other characters' attitude towards your main character for the rest of the story. This element will obviously be an integral part of your main character's motivation, so it should be played with and expounded upon.
I would suggest taking some of your more general, world-oriented elements and expanding them into a first chapter and also introduce your main character without just feeding us information about either. You have to put the information into the story, if you catch my drift.
OH my, this conversation is going at an absolutely blistering pace.
On topic: I feel like your first chapter is more an amalgam of ideas and themes you would like to have represented throughout your story rather than the actual meat (or body of work). It's obvious you have a clear idea of what you generally want the world to be like physically and culturally, but anecdotal evidence over just telling your reader what the world is like might be more effective in portraying these elements.
You might consider not revealing your main-character's differences right away as the narrator in the third person, but through her interactions with other characters. You might be able to set us up for a surprise that sets the tone of the other characters' attitude towards your main character for the rest of the story. This element will obviously be an integral part of your main character's motivation, so it should be played with and expounded upon.
I would suggest taking some of your more general, world-oriented elements and expanding them into a first chapter and also introduce your main character without just feeding us information about either. You have to put the information into the story, if you catch my drift.
I do see what you mean, though I guess it's part of my writing style. I should mention that there is a prolouge that explains more about the plane itself if you want me to put that up.
I can't do any edits for until I get to the computer though(on ipod right now)
If you want us to read the story how it is meant to be read, then all pertinent information should be included. Developing a relationship between the text and the reader is the job of the writer; you may have a clear understanding of what it is you mean, but you must do all you can to make sure your reader understands what you mean as well (this is one of the biggest benefits to work-shopping).
If you want us to critique your work piecemeal, you will have to understand that our confusion based on lack of knowledge will either be something you answer in the future or go back and re-write if its clarification is necessary earlier. If you have a prologue, include your prologue so maybe we have less questions about your future work.
I however am about to be late for class, so I'll check in later tonight when I am finished.
I really apologize for the lack of updating as of late. Anyways, here's the prolouge:
Haltia Prolouge
Haltia is a somewhat mixed, if not divided, world. Cultures and practices vary greatly depending on where you are. Haltia consists of four main parts.
The first being the vast red colored mountain range to the north, with many tall peaks and caves that creatures inhabit. It's also rich in an iron-like substance that's vital to many forms of weapons and armor. Though mostly barren in terms of plant life, many organisms, like the giant Rocs, the wolly Hog Beasts, various lizards big and small, and the occassional cave wurm, feed off the rock itself, which leads to them often being thicker-skined. In these mountains, the dominant species are wolves that can walk, talk, and act like humans do.
These wolves are war-like and often spar with each other to boast of thier martial prowess and to train. They also challenge themselves to fight bigger and better foes to prove thier mettle on the field of battle. Many also have the belief being drunk actually helps them fight better, which history has shown that this is actually sometimes true, so many bars litter the mountain range. Of course, they also have the lighter side of telling war stories of long gone heros and thier feats of glory. Battle bonds are also sometimes formed from comrades in arms that have fought together for years, sometimes for five or even more. A lone wolf named Triel rules over these wolves, though not with an iron fist as some may think as past rulers tended to be sometimes a bit harsh. Triel was born into the wolf royal bloodline but even then, it doesn't mean you instantly become the leader as it must be earned in the Trial of Leaders.
The Trial of Leaders consists of a series of tests to not only test leadership skills, but battle abilties as well. Once all the tests are passed, then the leader to be must spar with the current one, fighting until one yeilds. The winner then becomes ruler of the wolves or reamains it until he(or she, but it's very rare as it's the males that traditionally have the right for the mantle) must give up his rule through the Trial of Leaders.
Triel was an interesting case as growing up, others saw him as a bit of a softy. His build was also slightly on the smaller side compared the other wolves which were bigger and more muscular. There was no mistaking his love and skill for battle though as he fought with the best of them despite his smaller size. On the final test for his Trial of Leaders, he fought his father, the current leader at the time, in a battle that took over six hours, with neither backing down. Near the end of the battle, Treil had managed to land a great blow that staggered his opponent. However, his father then soon after fell the the ground like a ragdoll. Treil knew that tricks like these were often used to lower the guard of foes, but his father still wasn't moving.
At that point, Treil knew something was very wrong. He rushed to him only to realize that, he was dead. In the final test, while battles were often quite fierce, the rule was you were never to really mutilate or kill your opponent. Triel, in complete shock, thinking of the shame he just brought himself, ran out of the arena as fast as possible, dropping everything he was carrying in the process.
Treil felt like everything he did was for nothing now that he killed his father. It wasn't until someone finally found him and told him that his father died from heart failure, not from the blow that staggered him, that he finally felt better and decided to go back to make things right. It was then that he was finally able claim the mantle and become the new leader. His people had been told of what really happened to his father so there was no shaming or animosity from them. For many years though, Treil wondered why his father didn't tell him of the possible heart condition. He still carried on though, knowing that his father would be proud still.
There's still plently of prolouge to go as I still need to tell of the other 2 main factions and how the whole war started in the first place. I just figure I'd put this section up while I was here.
I'm going to go line by line as needed, making suggestions on sentence structure, word choice, usage, grammar, and spelling. Following the original body of text, there will be a red section where I give suggestions pertaining to style and execution.
I plan on being light and I will try my best to not inject what could be considered my voice into the suggestions.
*Haltia is a somewhat hodgepodge, if not kind of divided, world. Haltia consists of 4 four main parts.
In this first line, the word 'somewhat' is superfluous. Something is a hodgepodge or it isn't. The further qualification of its status as either a mixed or divided land also blurs your meaning and takes away from what you are trying to say. I would suggest minimizing your qualification and tell us directly that it is an amalgam of sorts. You should also tell us what kind of mixture you are referring to. Is it mixed ethnically, are you talking about the topography/geography, what is mixed together?
The first being the vast red colored mountain range to the north, with many tall peaks and caves that creatures inhabit. It's also rich in an iron-like substance that's vital to many forms of weapons and armor. Though mostly barren in terms of plant life, many organisms feed off the rock itself, which leads to them often being thicker-skinned.
Some examples of the kinds of life in the mountains could help flesh out the idea of the mountainous fauna. You don't need to be too detail oriented here, but are we talking about giant lizards, woolly quadrupeds, birds of prey, or something else?
In these mountains, the dominant species are wolves that can walk, talk, and act like humans do.
This transition is well done and does not seemed forced; it flows naturally.
These wolves are war-like and often spar with each other to show off and to train.
I would suggest getting rid of the word 'off' and adding something like 'their combat skill' or maybe getting rid of 'show off' and adding something like 'display their martial prowess.'
They also challenge themselves to fight bigger and better foes to prove their mettle on the field of battle. Many also have the belief that being drunk actually helps them fight better, which history has shown that this is actually sometimes true, so many bars litter the mountain range. Of course, they also have the lighter side of telling war stories of long gone heroes. Battle bonds are also sometimes formed from comrades in arms that have fought together for a long time.
A better description than 'long time' may be appropriate here. Maybe a description of how many battles they have endured together would serve better. Be careful with your adverb usage. 'Actually' is often times a superfluous modifier.
A lone wolf named Triel rules over these wolves, though not with an iron fist as some may think.
Why is the reader inclined to think he would rule with an iron fist? You have described the wolves as having a love for battle, but you have not painted them as if we would believe their leader is hard-hearted. If you want to keep this line, you may have to flesh out the background of the race more. Maybe you could tell us about how strict and rigorous the military training is or give us a glimpse into the everyday life of a citizen and how that may lead us to believe the leader could possibly have an iron fist.
Triel was born into the wolf royal bloodline but even then, it doesn't mean you instantly become the leader as it must be earned in the Trial of Leaders.
Again, the transition is smooth and the overall flow of the paragraph is logical.
The Trial of Leaders consists of a series of tests for not only leadership, but battle skills.
The wording is a little ambiguous here, and I think it stems from your preposition choice of 'for.' A reader could read it to mean the tests transfer the leadership, not that they test the leadership quality, which makes your conjunction confusing; why would the test bequeath battle skill? Something like 'a series of challenges that test not only leadership, but skill in battle as well.' clears up any ambiguity.
Once all the tests are passed, then the leader to be must spar with the current one, fighting until one yields. The winner then becomes or remains ruler of the wolves until he(or she, but it's very rare as it's the males that traditionally have the right for the mantle) must give up his rule through the Trial of Leaders.
I am a sucker for details on the world I'm reading, and this is exactly the kind of detail I love. It adds another dimension to your character as well as the world.
Triel was an interesting case as growing up, others saw him as a bit of a softy. His build was also slightly on the smaller side compared the other wolves which were big and sometimes muscular.
I believe 'big' should be 'bigger' and 'muscular' should be 'more muscular' because you are comparing Triel to the other wolves.
There was no mistaking his love and skill for battle though as he fought with the best of them despite his smaller size. On the final test for his Trial of Leaders, he fought his father, the current leader at the time, in a battle that took over six hours, with neither backing down. Near the end of the battle, Triel had managed to land a great blow that staggered his opponent. However, His father then soon after fell the to the ground like a ragdoll. Triel knew that tricks like these were often used to lower the guard of foes, but his father still wasn't moving.
At that point, Triel knew something was very wrong. He rushed to him only to realize that (deleted comma) he was dead. In the final test, while battles were often quite fierce, the rule was you were never to truly mutilate or kill your opponent.
I don't think 'truly' was the word you were looking for in this line. I think you wanted something to show the extent of mutilation, such as 'seriously' or 'gravely.'
Triel, in complete shock, knowing the shame he just brought himself, ran out of the arena as fast as possible, dropping everything he was carrying in the process.
Triel felt like everything he did was for nothing now that he killed his father. It wasn't until someone finally found him and told him that his father died from heart failure, not from the blow that staggered him, that he finally felt better and decided to go back to make things right. It was then that he was finally able to accept the mantle and become the new leader. His people had been told of what really happened to his father so there was no shaming or animosity from them. For many years though, Triel wondered why his father didn't tell him of the possible heart condition. He still carried on though, knowing that his father would be proud still.
The biopic does seem a little out of place, but it isn't out of left field; it is transitioned into.
I know it seems like a lot of red, but I do try to take the time to explain my suggestions or offer more than one example so as not to throw my own voice in (heh, that's a bit of tricky language). I spent about two hours going over this because I didn't want to half-ass my critique. I did my best to give suggestions that would help you tell the story the way you want to tell it, not the way I think you should tell it.
I think what stands out to me most is the fact that in the first line of the text, you describe Haltia as being constituted of four regions, but you only describe one. What are the other three parts?
I'm enjoying the concepts, you are trying to take the time to ground your reader to the story with lore with them. You do have to be careful on their placement in the story though. It may be necessary for us to understand Triel's background for the upcoming story, but it does need to be appropriately timed and paced.
The best piece of advice I can give you is to keep writing and looking for people to judge your work. Develop your style more and practice with your descriptions by increasing your vocabulary, watching your adverb usage, and using synonyms instead of repeating words too often. You have good ideas and you should keep striving to improve on how to present them.
*Red Text= Critique
Black Text= Original Work
Man, this is not as nice as working with Google docs or the comment tool in Microsoft Word. Everything looks disorganized and is slightly confusing to read.
Remember that I did say that the prolouge isn't done yet. I'll put the other reigons in soon enough.
Also, when it comes to writing, I had to self teach myself because not really anybody else would. Just letting you know that. Anyways, everything you said, now that I see it, does make sense. I'll get to work on the fixes sooner or later, then I'll add more to the prolouge.
I am in the same boat for self-taught writing, but I have been taking steps to further my writing education. I started my first semester of college this last August.
Writing is a process we never stop refining. The key is to just keep doing it, because anyone can be a writer if they are dedicated enough. Everyone has a story to tell, the difference is in our ability to relate it.
Another good tip, that I have taken to heart since I was school age, is to keep reading as well. You don't necessarily have to study style and technique, but reading to keep your mind linguistically primed can also improve your writing. Sometimes emulating the style and form of other writers also helps you develop your own. I developed how I write dialogue greatly by looking at the works of many different writers.
Coria was sitting on her bed in her room, which had carved stone walls and floor, a small rug on the floor and a wood desk next to her bed that had pictures of Coria with her father at various stages in her life. She was a bit glum as not only was there a plane wide war going on, she also felt completely useless to do anything. Coria was definatly different from the others in terms of species, which sometimes made her feel like an outcast. She also still wondered why her her foster dad even adopted her in the first place.
Coria was not like the others, with her red skin, peach muzzle, and no fur. She had dark red hair and also had short, quill-like spikes coming down from the top of her head, and a short tail that tapered at the end. Coria often wore a tan-ish midrif shirt with medium length sleeves and also tan-ish long pants. She also often wears a dark grey beenie like hat she found outside of the wolf realm. Coria was 16 years old but wondered if she was just basically eye candy to everyone else.
Coria's father happened to be Triel ,the leader of the wolves whom, like her and most every other sentinent being, could walk and talk like humans.The wolves often were pretty big by Coria's standards and as such she often is careful not to provoke any of them in any way.
Triel, although mean, rough, and tough, had a soft spot for Coria and was often protective of her. He also enjoyed her music, which Coria was quite good at but often downplayed it. She one day discovered her ability to basically summon a guitar like instrument out of thin air. While she never could quite explain how or why, she found that she could play it rather well and often played serinating music, though the some of the other wolves wern't so fond of it.
Coria often wondered when she'd get her chance to really prove herself to everyone that she wasn't some defenseless girl. Coria wanted to train herself in the art of combat but the other wolves wouldn't allow her. Feeling left out and excluded, she longed for more. She longed to make her father proud but outside of actual battle, she wasn't sure if anything would.
Well, that's chapter one. Hopefully there's enough info.
I guess, but I can't exactly continue until soneone does comment on the story...
Let me explain then:
It's so I can make any nessesary adjustments in terms of info and structure for the current and future chapters.
On topic: I feel like your first chapter is more an amalgam of ideas and themes you would like to have represented throughout your story rather than the actual meat (or body of work). It's obvious you have a clear idea of what you generally want the world to be like physically and culturally, but anecdotal evidence over just telling your reader what the world is like might be more effective in portraying these elements.
You might consider not revealing your main-character's differences right away as the narrator in the third person, but through her interactions with other characters. You might be able to set us up for a surprise that sets the tone of the other characters' attitude towards your main character for the rest of the story. This element will obviously be an integral part of your main character's motivation, so it should be played with and expounded upon.
I would suggest taking some of your more general, world-oriented elements and expanding them into a first chapter and also introduce your main character without just feeding us information about either. You have to put the information into the story, if you catch my drift.
I do see what you mean, though I guess it's part of my writing style. I should mention that there is a prolouge that explains more about the plane itself if you want me to put that up.
I can't do any edits for until I get to the computer though(on ipod right now)
If you want us to critique your work piecemeal, you will have to understand that our confusion based on lack of knowledge will either be something you answer in the future or go back and re-write if its clarification is necessary earlier. If you have a prologue, include your prologue so maybe we have less questions about your future work.
I however am about to be late for class, so I'll check in later tonight when I am finished.
Haltia is a somewhat mixed, if not divided, world. Cultures and practices vary greatly depending on where you are. Haltia consists of four main parts.
The first being the vast red colored mountain range to the north, with many tall peaks and caves that creatures inhabit. It's also rich in an iron-like substance that's vital to many forms of weapons and armor. Though mostly barren in terms of plant life, many organisms, like the giant Rocs, the wolly Hog Beasts, various lizards big and small, and the occassional cave wurm, feed off the rock itself, which leads to them often being thicker-skined. In these mountains, the dominant species are wolves that can walk, talk, and act like humans do.
These wolves are war-like and often spar with each other to boast of thier martial prowess and to train. They also challenge themselves to fight bigger and better foes to prove thier mettle on the field of battle. Many also have the belief being drunk actually helps them fight better, which history has shown that this is actually sometimes true, so many bars litter the mountain range. Of course, they also have the lighter side of telling war stories of long gone heros and thier feats of glory. Battle bonds are also sometimes formed from comrades in arms that have fought together for years, sometimes for five or even more. A lone wolf named Triel rules over these wolves, though not with an iron fist as some may think as past rulers tended to be sometimes a bit harsh. Triel was born into the wolf royal bloodline but even then, it doesn't mean you instantly become the leader as it must be earned in the Trial of Leaders.
The Trial of Leaders consists of a series of tests to not only test leadership skills, but battle abilties as well. Once all the tests are passed, then the leader to be must spar with the current one, fighting until one yeilds. The winner then becomes ruler of the wolves or reamains it until he(or she, but it's very rare as it's the males that traditionally have the right for the mantle) must give up his rule through the Trial of Leaders.
Triel was an interesting case as growing up, others saw him as a bit of a softy. His build was also slightly on the smaller side compared the other wolves which were bigger and more muscular. There was no mistaking his love and skill for battle though as he fought with the best of them despite his smaller size. On the final test for his Trial of Leaders, he fought his father, the current leader at the time, in a battle that took over six hours, with neither backing down. Near the end of the battle, Treil had managed to land a great blow that staggered his opponent. However, his father then soon after fell the the ground like a ragdoll. Treil knew that tricks like these were often used to lower the guard of foes, but his father still wasn't moving.
At that point, Treil knew something was very wrong. He rushed to him only to realize that, he was dead. In the final test, while battles were often quite fierce, the rule was you were never to really mutilate or kill your opponent. Triel, in complete shock, thinking of the shame he just brought himself, ran out of the arena as fast as possible, dropping everything he was carrying in the process.
Treil felt like everything he did was for nothing now that he killed his father. It wasn't until someone finally found him and told him that his father died from heart failure, not from the blow that staggered him, that he finally felt better and decided to go back to make things right. It was then that he was finally able claim the mantle and become the new leader. His people had been told of what really happened to his father so there was no shaming or animosity from them. For many years though, Treil wondered why his father didn't tell him of the possible heart condition. He still carried on though, knowing that his father would be proud still.
There's still plently of prolouge to go as I still need to tell of the other 2 main factions and how the whole war started in the first place. I just figure I'd put this section up while I was here.
If that's at me, then sure.
Oh, and it seems I forgot to fix the redunency issues that are now in the first chapter.
Rules-wise that's A-OK. Just stay away from bold red
I plan on being light and I will try my best to not inject what could be considered my voice into the suggestions.
*Red Text= Critique
Black Text= Original Work
Man, this is not as nice as working with Google docs or the comment tool in Microsoft Word. Everything looks disorganized and is slightly confusing to read.
Also, when it comes to writing, I had to self teach myself because not really anybody else would. Just letting you know that. Anyways, everything you said, now that I see it, does make sense. I'll get to work on the fixes sooner or later, then I'll add more to the prolouge.
Writing is a process we never stop refining. The key is to just keep doing it, because anyone can be a writer if they are dedicated enough. Everyone has a story to tell, the difference is in our ability to relate it.
Another good tip, that I have taken to heart since I was school age, is to keep reading as well. You don't necessarily have to study style and technique, but reading to keep your mind linguistically primed can also improve your writing. Sometimes emulating the style and form of other writers also helps you develop your own. I developed how I write dialogue greatly by looking at the works of many different writers.
(Meaning: Do you happen to know what it means?)
Anyways, updated the first chapter and the prolouge in it's current form. Mind if you guys look it over before I add the next part to the prolouge?
Then, I guess I could mention what the name means (it's also the reason why I caught my attention)...
I see. Well, it's just a random name for this really, lol.