I'm curious as what jokes are so far the crappiest you've heard.
Keep in mind the following:
- Check the thread to see if it has already been printed. No sense having the same joke printed over and over again.
- Jokes that are R-rated, racist, offensive or generally in bad taste (dead baby jokes are a good example) will not be tolerated. They will be deleted and the poster will be infracted.
Alright, theres this girl at our school who's kind of... odd. She always voulnteeres to speak when a teacher asks, but she has like no sense of reality. Anyway, on a band trip a few weeks back, we were telling jokes, and she begins the following "joke":
Alright, so there's thie guy, and he walks into a soda bar - it has to be a soda bar, because there can't be alchohol, because alchohol is bad, right - and so he walks in, and theres this dog, I don't know what there was a dog in a soda bar, I mean, soda bars don't let dogs into them, right?, but there was a dog in there, I guess, and the guy sees the dog, and then the guy walks over and orders a Coca Cola, and then he takes a sip of the Coca Cola, and he looks at the dog, and the dog doesn't have any back legs, and so he takes another sip of his Coca Cola, and he looks at the dog, and the dog doesn't have any front legs, and so he looks at the guy with the dog - really, I don't know why the dog was in there at all - and so the guy asks the guy with the dog: "thats a nice dog", and the other guy was like: "thanks", and so he takes another sip of the Coca Cola, and he was like: "how long have you had that dog?", and the guy was like: "about nine years" - thats a really long time, dogs don't usually live that long - and so the guy takes another sip of the Coca Cola, and he says: "what's the dog's name?", and the other guy was like: "it doesn't have a name", and so the guy took another sip of the Coca Cola, and he's like: "why doesn't the dog have a name? You've had it for nine years," and the other guy was like: "it doesn't come when I call"... now you're supposed to laugh...
And that is just about the worst joke I've ever heard in my life.
In worst taste would be one I came up with on seeing a billboard reading "obesity in little children is a big problem." My response: "Obese little children aren't little anymore."
Or there are the anti-humor classics.
"What'd the kid with no arms and no legs get for Christmas?" "Cancer."
"What's worse than four white guys in car going over a cliff?" "The Holocaust."
But worst in the sense that the other posts take it is either "why did the chicken cross the road," or the ARRR rated Pirate movie.
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[The Crafters] | [Johnnies United]
My anecdotal evidence disagrees with yours! EXPLAIN THAT!
You would have though one of them would have noticed it.
[/lame]
I always heard this one as "Two men walk int a bar. The third one ducked."
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Quote from Scott Adams »
Nothing defines humans better than their willingness to do irrational things in the pursuit of phenomenally unlikely payoffs.
This is the principle behind lotteries, dating, and religion
Quote from *sigh...* *dreamy smile* »
She's a two-faced ****rag ***** bucket with NO grasp on reality or objectivity let alone sincerity or humanity!!! She FEEDS on drama, all day every day, like a ****ing prostitute feeds on STDs--- in much the same way, mind you...
Magpies are Blue, please don't submit any more off color jokes in this forum or I'll call a mod!
/nominate for worst joke.
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Quote from Scott Adams »
Nothing defines humans better than their willingness to do irrational things in the pursuit of phenomenally unlikely payoffs.
This is the principle behind lotteries, dating, and religion
Quote from *sigh...* *dreamy smile* »
She's a two-faced ****rag ***** bucket with NO grasp on reality or objectivity let alone sincerity or humanity!!! She FEEDS on drama, all day every day, like a ****ing prostitute feeds on STDs--- in much the same way, mind you...
My uncle got me a joke book for like my 8th birthday, and it had a lot of crap in it (I gave it to my P.E. teacher last year, he liked telling bad jokes to motivate his students to do push-ups faster - the quicker they finished, the fewer jokes they had to endure). Point is, here was the worst joke from it:
Why was the tomato green?...
...
...
...
Because it was working part time as a cucumber!
(WTF?!?! *pukes*)
whats the similarity between a volcanoe and a tree
they both cant ride bicycles
wtf?
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Spread the word.
A man is jogging across the lake and come across a woman with no arms or legs. She is crying. He comes over and says, “Why are you crying?” “I have never been hugged before” He hugs her and continues to jog. He comes across her again and she is crying more louldly. He asks again, “Why are you crying now?” “I have never been kissed before.” He gives her a big kiss and goes off jogging again. He comes back one more time and she is wailing loudly and he asks her, “Why are you crying now?” “I have never been screwed before.” He picks her up and throws her in the lake. “Now your screwed!” What do you think?
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I miss you mom!
Our hearts still ache in sadness
And secret tears still flow
What it meant to lose you
No on will ever know
But we know you want us
To mourn for you no more
To remember all the happy times
Life still has much in store
Since you’ll never be forgotten
We pledge to you today
A hallowed place within our hearts
Is where you’ll always stay
Sherlock Holmes: "Using my awsome powers of deduction, I can tell you were in a hurry this morning, Watson."
Dr. Watson: "That's true, but how did you know?"
Sherlock Holmes: "You're not wearing pants."
Two ropes meet.
Rope #1: "Hi, I'm a brand new rope, are you a brand new rope too?"
Rope #2: "No, I'm a frayed knot." (I'm afraid not).
Two atoms are walking along the street.
Atom #1: "Oh no, I lost an electron!"
Atom #2: "Are you sure?"
Atom #1: "Yes, I'm positive!"
Whats the difference between a Ferrari and a Box of Dead Babies
I don't have a Ferrari in my garage
That is one of my favourite jokes.
As for worst joke, I would have to say the "Green Golf Ball Joke". It is great when you alredy know it but it blows when it is the first time you here it told.
Once upon a time, there was a young boy, and this young boy was having
his 10th birthday. His father thinking that it was an important day for
his young lad, said to him, 'You can have anything that you want for
your birthday'.
The boy thought and thought. Finally, he said to his pop, "Dad, I want a
green golf ball." The man was surprised a bit, but decided to humour his son.
And so, the boy recieved 1 green golf ball for his 10th birthday.
On this boy's 13th birthday, when he hit his teens, the father once again
walked up to the boy, and told him what he had before. The boy thought. And
thought. Finally, he said, "Dad, I want 10 green golf balls." Now, the father
was slightly curious about this, and he almost asked his son why. But then he
decided that it was just youthfulness, and left it at that.
Upon graduating from High School, the boy was once again given that same
offer by his father. He thought and thought and thought. Finally, he went up
to his old man and said, "Dad, I want 100 green golf balls." Now, the father
was very curious about this, and asked his son, finally, why he wanted the
balls. The boy just said, "Dad! It's a secret!" The father backed down, and got
the boy his balls.
When the boy graduated from college, his father once again offered him anything
he wanted. Once again, the boy thought. Once again, the boy walked up to his
father. He said, "Dad, I want 1000 green golf balls." The father decided that
the boy knew how to live his life. But still he asked, "Why, son? Why do you
want these green golf balls?" And once again, the boy said,"It's a secret,
Dad!"
And then came the war. And the boy volunteered himself for his country. And
when he came back in one piece, his father said, "Son, I will get you anything
that you want!" And the boy thought. And thought. And he said, "Dad, I want
10,000 green golfballs." And the father could not hold back his question any
longer. "Why? Why, son? Why do you need these green golf balls?" And the son
looked at thim, and he said,"Dad, now, I told you that it was a secret. Please
don't make me tell you." And the father backed off.
The boy got married. His father walked up to him, and offered him anything he
would want on this joyous occasion. The boy thought and thought and thought.
And thought. And, finally, he said,"Dad... I want 100,000 green golf balls..."
And the father, keeping calm, asked why. Why the boy wanted so many green golf
balls. And all the boy could do was look at his father, and say,"It's a
secret." And the father kept silent.
Then, tragedy struck. There was a car accident. The boy was mortally injured.
And the father went to see the son in his final hour. And he asked his son if
there was anything he could get him. And the son whispered,"Father... Please
get me 1,000,000 green golf balls..." And the father almost wept. He said,"Son,
please tell me why you want these green golf balls..." And the son looked at
his father, and he said, "Alright, dad..."
And then he died.
This version is actually quite shorter then the one I hear and tell.
if a mod understands spanish, i'll get a warning, but... no mames, q poca madre!!!
the same vein:
"mom, when i grow up.. i wanna be..."
"shut up honey, you have cancer"
"mom, i'm 13 years old, would you buy me a bra?"
"no honey"
"mom, i'm 13 years old, would you buy me a bra?"
"no!"
"mom, i'm 13 years old, would you buy me a bra?"
"no, john!! leave me alone!!"
if we could line up every person that lives in china, and try to reach the last one walking, we would never be able to do it, because of it's demographic growth would get bigger and bigger and we could not be able to reach the end
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Keep in mind the following:
- Check the thread to see if it has already been printed. No sense having the same joke printed over and over again.
- Jokes that are R-rated, racist, offensive or generally in bad taste (dead baby jokes are a good example) will not be tolerated. They will be deleted and the poster will be infracted.
Past Sigs:1|2|3|4
Pseudo Member of the Titans Test Team
Now Piloting:
Gundam TR-1 [Hazel-Rah] Second Form
Two peanuts were walking down a street. One was assaulted.
I̟̥͍̠ͅn̩͉̣͍̬͚ͅ ̬̬͖t̯̹̞̺͖͓̯̤h̘͍̬e͙̯͈̖̼̮ ̭̬f̺̲̲̪i͙͉̟̩̰r̪̝͚͈̝̥͍̝̲s̼̻͇̘̳͔ͅt̲̺̳̗̜̪̙ ̳̺̥̻͚̗ͅm̜̜̟̰͈͓͎͇o̝̖̮̝͇m̯̻̞̼̫̗͓̤e̩̯̬̮̩n͎̱̪̲̹͖t͇̖s̰̮ͅ,̤̲͙̻̭̻̯̹̰ ̖t̫̙̺̯͖͚̯ͅh͙̯̦̳̗̰̟e͖̪͉̼̯ ̪͕g̞̣͔a̗̦t̬̬͓͙̫̖̭̻e̩̻̯ ̜̖̦̖̤̭͙̬t̞̹̥̪͎͉ͅo͕͚͍͇̲͇͓̺ ̭̬͙͈̣̻t͈͍͙͓̫̖͙̩h̪̬̖̙e̗͈ ̗̬̟̞̺̤͉̯ͅa̦̯͚̙̜̮f͉͙̲̣̞̼t̪̤̞̣͚e̲͉̳̥r͇̪̙͚͓l̥̞̞͎̹̯̹ͅi͓̬f̮̥̬̞͈ͅe͎ ̟̩̤̳̠̯̩̯o̮̘̲p̟͚̣̞͉͓e͍̩̣n͔̼͕͚̜e̬̱d̼̘͎̖̹͍̮̠,͖̺̭̱̮ ̣̲͖̬̪̭̥a̪͚n̟̲̝̤̤̞̗d̘̱̗͇̮͕̳͕͔ ͖̞͉͎t̹̙͎h̰̱͉̗e̪̞̱̝̹̩ͅ ̠̱̩̭̦p̯̙e͓o̳͚̰̯̺̱̰͔̘p̬͎̱̣̼̩͇l̗̟̖͚̠e̱͉͔̱̦̬̟̙ ̖͚̪͔̼̦w̺̖̤̱e͖̗̻̦͓̖̘̜r̭̥e͔̹̫̱͕̦̰͕ ̗͔̠p̠̗͍͍̱̳̠r̰͔͎̰o͉̥͓̰͚̥s̟͚̹̱͔̣t͉̙̳̖͖̪̮r̥̘̥͙̹a͉̟̫̟̳̠̟̭t͈̜̰͈͎e̞̣̭̲̬ ͚̗̯̟͙i͍͖̰̘̦͖͉ṇ̮̻̯̦̲̩͍ ̦̮͚̫̤t͉͖̫͕ͅͅh͙̮̻̘̣̮̼e͕̺ ͙l͕̠͎̰̥i̲͓͉̲g̫̳̟͈͇̖h̠̦̖t͓̯͎̗ ̳̪̘̟̙̩̦o̫̲f̙͔̰̙̠ ̹̪̗͇̯t͖̼̼͉͖̬h̹͇̩e͚̖̺̤͉̹͕̪ ͚͓̭̝̺G͎̗̯̩o̫̯̮̟̮̳̘d̜̲͙̠-̩̳̯̲̗̜P̹̘̥͉̝h͍͈̗̖̝ͅa͍̗̮̼̗r̜̖͇̙̺a̭̺͔̞̳͈o̪̣͓̯̬͙̯̰̗h̖̦͈̥̯͔.͇̣̙̝
What's a pirate's favorite color?
ARR-ange.
*groan*
M_E: My dog has no nose
someone else: How does it smell?
M_E: Awful.
Ba-da-bump
Alright, so there's thie guy, and he walks into a soda bar - it has to be a soda bar, because there can't be alchohol, because alchohol is bad, right - and so he walks in, and theres this dog, I don't know what there was a dog in a soda bar, I mean, soda bars don't let dogs into them, right?, but there was a dog in there, I guess, and the guy sees the dog, and then the guy walks over and orders a Coca Cola, and then he takes a sip of the Coca Cola, and he looks at the dog, and the dog doesn't have any back legs, and so he takes another sip of his Coca Cola, and he looks at the dog, and the dog doesn't have any front legs, and so he looks at the guy with the dog - really, I don't know why the dog was in there at all - and so the guy asks the guy with the dog: "thats a nice dog", and the other guy was like: "thanks", and so he takes another sip of the Coca Cola, and he was like: "how long have you had that dog?", and the guy was like: "about nine years" - thats a really long time, dogs don't usually live that long - and so the guy takes another sip of the Coca Cola, and he says: "what's the dog's name?", and the other guy was like: "it doesn't have a name", and so the guy took another sip of the Coca Cola, and he's like: "why doesn't the dog have a name? You've had it for nine years," and the other guy was like: "it doesn't come when I call"... now you're supposed to laugh...
And that is just about the worst joke I've ever heard in my life.
Why couldn't the ten-year-old see the pirate movie?
I̟̥͍̠ͅn̩͉̣͍̬͚ͅ ̬̬͖t̯̹̞̺͖͓̯̤h̘͍̬e͙̯͈̖̼̮ ̭̬f̺̲̲̪i͙͉̟̩̰r̪̝͚͈̝̥͍̝̲s̼̻͇̘̳͔ͅt̲̺̳̗̜̪̙ ̳̺̥̻͚̗ͅm̜̜̟̰͈͓͎͇o̝̖̮̝͇m̯̻̞̼̫̗͓̤e̩̯̬̮̩n͎̱̪̲̹͖t͇̖s̰̮ͅ,̤̲͙̻̭̻̯̹̰ ̖t̫̙̺̯͖͚̯ͅh͙̯̦̳̗̰̟e͖̪͉̼̯ ̪͕g̞̣͔a̗̦t̬̬͓͙̫̖̭̻e̩̻̯ ̜̖̦̖̤̭͙̬t̞̹̥̪͎͉ͅo͕͚͍͇̲͇͓̺ ̭̬͙͈̣̻t͈͍͙͓̫̖͙̩h̪̬̖̙e̗͈ ̗̬̟̞̺̤͉̯ͅa̦̯͚̙̜̮f͉͙̲̣̞̼t̪̤̞̣͚e̲͉̳̥r͇̪̙͚͓l̥̞̞͎̹̯̹ͅi͓̬f̮̥̬̞͈ͅe͎ ̟̩̤̳̠̯̩̯o̮̘̲p̟͚̣̞͉͓e͍̩̣n͔̼͕͚̜e̬̱d̼̘͎̖̹͍̮̠,͖̺̭̱̮ ̣̲͖̬̪̭̥a̪͚n̟̲̝̤̤̞̗d̘̱̗͇̮͕̳͕͔ ͖̞͉͎t̹̙͎h̰̱͉̗e̪̞̱̝̹̩ͅ ̠̱̩̭̦p̯̙e͓o̳͚̰̯̺̱̰͔̘p̬͎̱̣̼̩͇l̗̟̖͚̠e̱͉͔̱̦̬̟̙ ̖͚̪͔̼̦w̺̖̤̱e͖̗̻̦͓̖̘̜r̭̥e͔̹̫̱͕̦̰͕ ̗͔̠p̠̗͍͍̱̳̠r̰͔͎̰o͉̥͓̰͚̥s̟͚̹̱͔̣t͉̙̳̖͖̪̮r̥̘̥͙̹a͉̟̫̟̳̠̟̭t͈̜̰͈͎e̞̣̭̲̬ ͚̗̯̟͙i͍͖̰̘̦͖͉ṇ̮̻̯̦̲̩͍ ̦̮͚̫̤t͉͖̫͕ͅͅh͙̮̻̘̣̮̼e͕̺ ͙l͕̠͎̰̥i̲͓͉̲g̫̳̟͈͇̖h̠̦̖t͓̯͎̗ ̳̪̘̟̙̩̦o̫̲f̙͔̰̙̠ ̹̪̗͇̯t͖̼̼͉͖̬h̹͇̩e͚̖̺̤͉̹͕̪ ͚͓̭̝̺G͎̗̯̩o̫̯̮̟̮̳̘d̜̲͙̠-̩̳̯̲̗̜P̹̘̥͉̝h͍͈̗̖̝ͅa͍̗̮̼̗r̜̖͇̙̺a̭̺͔̞̳͈o̪̣͓̯̬͙̯̰̗h̖̦͈̥̯͔.͇̣̙̝
Or there are the anti-humor classics.
"What'd the kid with no arms and no legs get for Christmas?" "Cancer."
"What's worse than four white guys in car going over a cliff?" "The Holocaust."
But worst in the sense that the other posts take it is either "why did the chicken cross the road," or the ARRR rated Pirate movie.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side...Oh geez everybody knows this
Monogreen 2007 | Jund Aggro MTGO 2013
How many magic players does it take to screw a lightbulb?
Two. One to screw the lightbulb and one to tell the other that he could have done it two turns faster.
[/superlame]
Past Sigs:1|2|3|4
Pseudo Member of the Titans Test Team
Now Piloting:
Gundam TR-1 [Hazel-Rah] Second Form
I always heard this one as "Two men walk int a bar. The third one ducked."
Avatar courtesy of the wondermous Lord Tirian.
What did the pirate say when he saw the police officer in the washroom?
Magpies are Blue, please don't submit any more off color jokes in this forum or I'll call a mod!
/nominate for worst joke.
Avatar courtesy of the wondermous Lord Tirian.
Why was the tomato green?...
...
...
...
Because it was working part time as a cucumber!
(WTF?!?! *pukes*)
MTGO account name: FSM
MTGO rating: 1795
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
Where does a general keep his armies?
.
.
.
.
.
In his sleevies!
Here is what happens when a magic player who thinks he's witty.
"I play Ire of Calamari"
they both cant ride bicycles
wtf?
Spread the word.
What do you think?
And secret tears still flow
What it meant to lose you
No on will ever know
To mourn for you no more
To remember all the happy times
Life still has much in store
We pledge to you today
A hallowed place within our hearts
Is where you’ll always stay
Dr. Watson: "That's true, but how did you know?"
Sherlock Holmes: "You're not wearing pants."
Two ropes meet.
Rope #1: "Hi, I'm a brand new rope, are you a brand new rope too?"
Rope #2: "No, I'm a frayed knot." (I'm afraid not).
Two atoms are walking along the street.
Atom #1: "Oh no, I lost an electron!"
Atom #2: "Are you sure?"
Atom #1: "Yes, I'm positive!"
Bob
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs sitting on your front step?
Matt
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs hanging on your wall?
Art
because he was pissed-off...
/lame
How do you get a giraffe into your refridgerator?
That is one of my favourite jokes.
As for worst joke, I would have to say the "Green Golf Ball Joke". It is great when you alredy know it but it blows when it is the first time you here it told.
his 10th birthday. His father thinking that it was an important day for
his young lad, said to him, 'You can have anything that you want for
your birthday'.
The boy thought and thought. Finally, he said to his pop, "Dad, I want a
green golf ball." The man was surprised a bit, but decided to humour his son.
And so, the boy recieved 1 green golf ball for his 10th birthday.
On this boy's 13th birthday, when he hit his teens, the father once again
walked up to the boy, and told him what he had before. The boy thought. And
thought. Finally, he said, "Dad, I want 10 green golf balls." Now, the father
was slightly curious about this, and he almost asked his son why. But then he
decided that it was just youthfulness, and left it at that.
Upon graduating from High School, the boy was once again given that same
offer by his father. He thought and thought and thought. Finally, he went up
to his old man and said, "Dad, I want 100 green golf balls." Now, the father
was very curious about this, and asked his son, finally, why he wanted the
balls. The boy just said, "Dad! It's a secret!" The father backed down, and got
the boy his balls.
When the boy graduated from college, his father once again offered him anything
he wanted. Once again, the boy thought. Once again, the boy walked up to his
father. He said, "Dad, I want 1000 green golf balls." The father decided that
the boy knew how to live his life. But still he asked, "Why, son? Why do you
want these green golf balls?" And once again, the boy said,"It's a secret,
Dad!"
And then came the war. And the boy volunteered himself for his country. And
when he came back in one piece, his father said, "Son, I will get you anything
that you want!" And the boy thought. And thought. And he said, "Dad, I want
10,000 green golfballs." And the father could not hold back his question any
longer. "Why? Why, son? Why do you need these green golf balls?" And the son
looked at thim, and he said,"Dad, now, I told you that it was a secret. Please
don't make me tell you." And the father backed off.
The boy got married. His father walked up to him, and offered him anything he
would want on this joyous occasion. The boy thought and thought and thought.
And thought. And, finally, he said,"Dad... I want 100,000 green golf balls..."
And the father, keeping calm, asked why. Why the boy wanted so many green golf
balls. And all the boy could do was look at his father, and say,"It's a
secret." And the father kept silent.
Then, tragedy struck. There was a car accident. The boy was mortally injured.
And the father went to see the son in his final hour. And he asked his son if
there was anything he could get him. And the son whispered,"Father... Please
get me 1,000,000 green golf balls..." And the father almost wept. He said,"Son,
please tell me why you want these green golf balls..." And the son looked at
his father, and he said, "Alright, dad..."
And then he died.
Dry up, O Sea.
Burn out, O Sun.
Grant us power Earthly Leaders and Gatekeepers of Hell.
Guide us Makers of the Underworld.
3 guys walk into a bar, a rabbi, a priest, and a shaman
except there is no rabbi or shaman
and the preist is my dad and im 5
and my dad molests me
*told ya
if a mod understands spanish, i'll get a warning, but... no mames, q poca madre!!!
the same vein:
"mom, when i grow up.. i wanna be..."
"shut up honey, you have cancer"
"mom, i'm 13 years old, would you buy me a bra?"
"no honey"
"mom, i'm 13 years old, would you buy me a bra?"
"no!"
"mom, i'm 13 years old, would you buy me a bra?"
"no, john!! leave me alone!!"
if we could line up every person that lives in china, and try to reach the last one walking, we would never be able to do it, because of it's demographic growth would get bigger and bigger and we could not be able to reach the end