This silly card was inspired by a phrase, of all things. I got a mental image of a Goblin selling scalding hot food in a street and calling out to passing customers. That gave me the idea of a sort of red take on Tainted Remedy, where instead of gaining life players get dealt damage because their food is so hot. For extra comedy, the Goblin can be tapped to make each player gain 1 life, which would normally be a color pie break but because of the lifegain replacement ability effectively turns into "T: ~ deals 1 damage to each player."
Goblin Vendor2R
Creature - Goblin
If a player would gain life, ~ deals that much damage to them instead. T: Each player gains 1 life. "Get em' while they're hot!"
1/1
Private Mod Note
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Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
MTGS Wikia Article about "New World Order"
Every time I read a comment about "Well if this card had card draw/trample/haste/indestructible/hexproof/life gain...", I think "You're missing the point." They're armchair developer comments that fail to take into account the card's role in the greater Limited and Standard environment. No, it may not be as good as whatever card you're comparing it to. There's a reason for that. Not every burn spell is Lightning Bolt, nor does it need to be or should be.
PSA to everyone who keeps forgetting about the Reserved List:
You're on a website dedicated to talking about MtG. You're only a few keystrokes away from finding out what cards are on the Reserved List. You're also only a few keystrokes away from finding out why some cards on the Reserved List got foil printings in FtV, as Judge promos, or whatnot, as well as why that won't happen again. Stop doing this.
Given that false cure is csst prior to skyshroud cutter or relevant silence on the same turn, being an instant isn't all that much of a benefit.
On the other hand, being a permanent means you can spread the lifegain effects to kill your opponent over a couple of turns, instead of attempting to dump it all in one turn. Cast the goblin now, then you have a turn to do it later as opposed to false cure where you have to kill him right then.
Given that false cure is csst prior to skyshroud cutter or relevant silence on the same turn, being an instant isn't all that much of a benefit.
On the other hand, being a permanent means you can spread the lifegain effects to kill your opponent over a couple of turns, instead of attempting to dump it all in one turn. Cast the goblin now, then you have a turn to do it later as opposed to false cure where you have to kill him right then.
All that describes how Tainted Remedy can be used as well, I fail to see why this Goblin version is such a big problem.
In fact, this is a weaker version, since it hits its controller as well.
While this is a neat design, contradictory lines of text are problematic. That's why you'll never see something like this.
The problem is that a player might read the second ability and question whether the first ability applies to it, because it's phrased in a way that contradicts the logic of the first ability. "Why would this tell me each player gains life when they would actually lose it? The abilities are printed on the same card! This second ability must be an exception to the first."
It adds a needless second step in resolution by always having a replacement effect for the second ability. My rule of thumb is never to make an effect that will just be replaced by a different effect 100% of the time. Cut out the middle man and say "deals 1 damage to each player."
Alternatively, you could do something similar by limiting the first ability to opponents and making the second ability "target creature gains lifelink until end of turn." That would, of course, necessitate making this card also white or black (or just monoblack, now that I think about it), but it adds more depth and justifies the replacement effect. You could use it on your own guy and gain some life, or you could use it on an opponent's guy and punish them for hitting you.
While this is a neat design, contradictory lines of text are problematic. That's why you'll never see something like this.
The problem is that a player might read the second ability and question whether the first ability applies to it, because it's phrased in a way that contradicts the logic of the first ability. "Why would this tell me each player gains life when they would actually lose it? The abilities are printed on the same card! This second ability must be an exception to the first."
It adds a needless second step in resolution by always having a replacement effect for the second ability. My rule of thumb is never to make an effect that will just be replaced by a different effect 100% of the time. Cut out the middle man and say "deals 1 damage to each player."
Alternatively, you could do something similar by limiting the first ability to opponents and making the second ability "target creature gains lifelink until end of turn." That would, of course, necessitate making this card also white or black (or just monoblack, now that I think about it), but it adds more depth and justifies the replacement effect. You could use it on your own guy and gain some life, or you could use it on an opponent's guy and punish them for hitting you.
This would probably be a jank rare, where such weirdness is fine. This could also lead to a nice "Aha!" moment for a newer player.
Goblin Vendor 2R
Creature - Goblin
If a player would gain life, ~ deals that much damage to them instead.
T: Each player gains 1 life.
"Get em' while they're hot!"
1/1
Every time I read a comment about "Well if this card had card draw/trample/haste/indestructible/hexproof/life gain...", I think "You're missing the point." They're armchair developer comments that fail to take into account the card's role in the greater Limited and Standard environment. No, it may not be as good as whatever card you're comparing it to. There's a reason for that. Not every burn spell is Lightning Bolt, nor does it need to be or should be.
I̟̥͍̠ͅn̩͉̣͍̬͚ͅ ̬̬͖t̯̹̞̺͖͓̯̤h̘͍̬e͙̯͈̖̼̮ ̭̬f̺̲̲̪i͙͉̟̩̰r̪̝͚͈̝̥͍̝̲s̼̻͇̘̳͔ͅt̲̺̳̗̜̪̙ ̳̺̥̻͚̗ͅm̜̜̟̰͈͓͎͇o̝̖̮̝͇m̯̻̞̼̫̗͓̤e̩̯̬̮̩n͎̱̪̲̹͖t͇̖s̰̮ͅ,̤̲͙̻̭̻̯̹̰ ̖t̫̙̺̯͖͚̯ͅh͙̯̦̳̗̰̟e͖̪͉̼̯ ̪͕g̞̣͔a̗̦t̬̬͓͙̫̖̭̻e̩̻̯ ̜̖̦̖̤̭͙̬t̞̹̥̪͎͉ͅo͕͚͍͇̲͇͓̺ ̭̬͙͈̣̻t͈͍͙͓̫̖͙̩h̪̬̖̙e̗͈ ̗̬̟̞̺̤͉̯ͅa̦̯͚̙̜̮f͉͙̲̣̞̼t̪̤̞̣͚e̲͉̳̥r͇̪̙͚͓l̥̞̞͎̹̯̹ͅi͓̬f̮̥̬̞͈ͅe͎ ̟̩̤̳̠̯̩̯o̮̘̲p̟͚̣̞͉͓e͍̩̣n͔̼͕͚̜e̬̱d̼̘͎̖̹͍̮̠,͖̺̭̱̮ ̣̲͖̬̪̭̥a̪͚n̟̲̝̤̤̞̗d̘̱̗͇̮͕̳͕͔ ͖̞͉͎t̹̙͎h̰̱͉̗e̪̞̱̝̹̩ͅ ̠̱̩̭̦p̯̙e͓o̳͚̰̯̺̱̰͔̘p̬͎̱̣̼̩͇l̗̟̖͚̠e̱͉͔̱̦̬̟̙ ̖͚̪͔̼̦w̺̖̤̱e͖̗̻̦͓̖̘̜r̭̥e͔̹̫̱͕̦̰͕ ̗͔̠p̠̗͍͍̱̳̠r̰͔͎̰o͉̥͓̰͚̥s̟͚̹̱͔̣t͉̙̳̖͖̪̮r̥̘̥͙̹a͉̟̫̟̳̠̟̭t͈̜̰͈͎e̞̣̭̲̬ ͚̗̯̟͙i͍͖̰̘̦͖͉ṇ̮̻̯̦̲̩͍ ̦̮͚̫̤t͉͖̫͕ͅͅh͙̮̻̘̣̮̼e͕̺ ͙l͕̠͎̰̥i̲͓͉̲g̫̳̟͈͇̖h̠̦̖t͓̯͎̗ ̳̪̘̟̙̩̦o̫̲f̙͔̰̙̠ ̹̪̗͇̯t͖̼̼͉͖̬h̹͇̩e͚̖̺̤͉̹͕̪ ͚͓̭̝̺G͎̗̯̩o̫̯̮̟̮̳̘d̜̲͙̠-̩̳̯̲̗̜P̹̘̥͉̝h͍͈̗̖̝ͅa͍̗̮̼̗r̜̖͇̙̺a̭̺͔̞̳͈o̪̣͓̯̬͙̯̰̗h̖̦͈̥̯͔.͇̣̙̝
There is a dearth of lifegain-punishment overall, poor Punishing Fire got itself banned.
Combo with Fiery Justice!
And not its fault, either.
I̟̥͍̠ͅn̩͉̣͍̬͚ͅ ̬̬͖t̯̹̞̺͖͓̯̤h̘͍̬e͙̯͈̖̼̮ ̭̬f̺̲̲̪i͙͉̟̩̰r̪̝͚͈̝̥͍̝̲s̼̻͇̘̳͔ͅt̲̺̳̗̜̪̙ ̳̺̥̻͚̗ͅm̜̜̟̰͈͓͎͇o̝̖̮̝͇m̯̻̞̼̫̗͓̤e̩̯̬̮̩n͎̱̪̲̹͖t͇̖s̰̮ͅ,̤̲͙̻̭̻̯̹̰ ̖t̫̙̺̯͖͚̯ͅh͙̯̦̳̗̰̟e͖̪͉̼̯ ̪͕g̞̣͔a̗̦t̬̬͓͙̫̖̭̻e̩̻̯ ̜̖̦̖̤̭͙̬t̞̹̥̪͎͉ͅo͕͚͍͇̲͇͓̺ ̭̬͙͈̣̻t͈͍͙͓̫̖͙̩h̪̬̖̙e̗͈ ̗̬̟̞̺̤͉̯ͅa̦̯͚̙̜̮f͉͙̲̣̞̼t̪̤̞̣͚e̲͉̳̥r͇̪̙͚͓l̥̞̞͎̹̯̹ͅi͓̬f̮̥̬̞͈ͅe͎ ̟̩̤̳̠̯̩̯o̮̘̲p̟͚̣̞͉͓e͍̩̣n͔̼͕͚̜e̬̱d̼̘͎̖̹͍̮̠,͖̺̭̱̮ ̣̲͖̬̪̭̥a̪͚n̟̲̝̤̤̞̗d̘̱̗͇̮͕̳͕͔ ͖̞͉͎t̹̙͎h̰̱͉̗e̪̞̱̝̹̩ͅ ̠̱̩̭̦p̯̙e͓o̳͚̰̯̺̱̰͔̘p̬͎̱̣̼̩͇l̗̟̖͚̠e̱͉͔̱̦̬̟̙ ̖͚̪͔̼̦w̺̖̤̱e͖̗̻̦͓̖̘̜r̭̥e͔̹̫̱͕̦̰͕ ̗͔̠p̠̗͍͍̱̳̠r̰͔͎̰o͉̥͓̰͚̥s̟͚̹̱͔̣t͉̙̳̖͖̪̮r̥̘̥͙̹a͉̟̫̟̳̠̟̭t͈̜̰͈͎e̞̣̭̲̬ ͚̗̯̟͙i͍͖̰̘̦͖͉ṇ̮̻̯̦̲̩͍ ̦̮͚̫̤t͉͖̫͕ͅͅh͙̮̻̘̣̮̼e͕̺ ͙l͕̠͎̰̥i̲͓͉̲g̫̳̟͈͇̖h̠̦̖t͓̯͎̗ ̳̪̘̟̙̩̦o̫̲f̙͔̰̙̠ ̹̪̗͇̯t͖̼̼͉͖̬h̹͇̩e͚̖̺̤͉̹͕̪ ͚͓̭̝̺G͎̗̯̩o̫̯̮̟̮̳̘d̜̲͙̠-̩̳̯̲̗̜P̹̘̥͉̝h͍͈̗̖̝ͅa͍̗̮̼̗r̜̖͇̙̺a̭̺͔̞̳͈o̪̣͓̯̬͙̯̰̗h̖̦͈̥̯͔.͇̣̙̝
The thing with false cure? It's a sorcery. You have to dump as much as you can on the turn it resolves.
This is a permanent.
"Sometimes, the situation is outracing a threat, sometimes it's ignoring it, and sometimes it involves sideboarding in 4x Hope//Pray." --Doug Linn
False Cure is an instant.
And Tainted Remedy is a permanent.
Given that false cure is csst prior to skyshroud cutter or relevant silence on the same turn, being an instant isn't all that much of a benefit.
On the other hand, being a permanent means you can spread the lifegain effects to kill your opponent over a couple of turns, instead of attempting to dump it all in one turn. Cast the goblin now, then you have a turn to do it later as opposed to false cure where you have to kill him right then.
"Sometimes, the situation is outracing a threat, sometimes it's ignoring it, and sometimes it involves sideboarding in 4x Hope//Pray." --Doug Linn
All that describes how Tainted Remedy can be used as well, I fail to see why this Goblin version is such a big problem.
In fact, this is a weaker version, since it hits its controller as well.
The problem is that a player might read the second ability and question whether the first ability applies to it, because it's phrased in a way that contradicts the logic of the first ability. "Why would this tell me each player gains life when they would actually lose it? The abilities are printed on the same card! This second ability must be an exception to the first."
It adds a needless second step in resolution by always having a replacement effect for the second ability. My rule of thumb is never to make an effect that will just be replaced by a different effect 100% of the time. Cut out the middle man and say "deals 1 damage to each player."
Alternatively, you could do something similar by limiting the first ability to opponents and making the second ability "target creature gains lifelink until end of turn." That would, of course, necessitate making this card also white or black (or just monoblack, now that I think about it), but it adds more depth and justifies the replacement effect. You could use it on your own guy and gain some life, or you could use it on an opponent's guy and punish them for hitting you.
This would probably be a jank rare, where such weirdness is fine. This could also lead to a nice "Aha!" moment for a newer player.
If mondu_the_fat feels its too good, I would also draw comparison to Tainted Remedy.
UBRKess, Dissident MageUBR - Controlling Dissidents
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WUBOloro, Ageless AsceticWUB - Loot & Renanimate