The Plane Somoth was one of the casualties of the Mending. It was once a luscious Plane full of mana. It was fertile and Balanced. It was now a land full of death, decay and corruption. Ruled over by a dark Lich Planeswalker it had provided him with ad endless source of power. The Mending cut it off from the rest of the Blind Eternities. But that was changing.
The Lich strolled through his Place . Frustrated and Tired. His death mask started to crack from the smoldering rage he burned with. He had been denied what he desired. It had been days since he had left his Throne Room trying to summon a way off of this accursed plane. He tried every rank of Demon till he found one in a Old grimoire of his predecessors. The Demon he had summoned had offered him off the plane he couldn’t deny that. Of course there was no way he could complete his end of the bargain. He hadn’t felt what it had asked for in Eons. He stopped in front of The Crematorium. Placing his gnarled hand on the huge twisted metal door he pulled on a Twisted metallic lever. The metal screeched like the familiar sound of his enemies being tortured as the counterweights holding it closed dropped.
Walking into the Blazing Heat waves he Called “Keeper”
From the flickering light cast by the piles of burning bodies he watched as his creation lumbered towards him. It was the latest of the Crematorium’s Keepers. He’d been working on them ever since he was cut off of from all the other sources of Mana.
It Stopped in front of him. It was a huge Mass of all the users of Red mana from before he’d felt the Red Mana on this plane just leave. He’d dueled them all to unify the plane under his rule. It was the epitome of his Masterful work as a Necromancer. He regretted that there was no one left to revel in his glory.
It struggled in front of him to form a mouth in the mass of bodies surrounded by a dark unholy flame. Finally it managed to form what could in the loosest term be considered a mouth.
“Why have you come here massissster”
He paused, he could feel the burning rage of his enemies souls gathered in the Keeper.
Perhaps…if he were to…
“You have all the knowledge of my Enemies from old. You should remember where they called their Mana source from.”
“Yesssss but what ussssse has it to you? You’ve sssssent sssssearchers all over Sssomoth from what used to be the Ssssea of Treesssss to the Crypt of the Elderssss.”
The abomination paused as what it had be crudely been using as a mouth burst into flames and fell into the inner part of the pile of bodies.
It seethed into a tower of dark testament to his power as the Lich asked
” I remember some of your kind using angels against me. I struck them down, ripped off their wings and used them to feed my army. I stripped their halos from them and fused them into their reanimated bodies as weapons. I sent your armies back at you twofold”
pausing he stopped to gather his thoughts. He had endless memories and it took effort to sort though them.
”Where did Red mages form the connection with white mana to summon Angels?”
The tower of endlessly moving bodies paused. It shook and fell to the ground. The impact shock it to the core and it split in half. Doubling back on its self it formed what could almost be called a face.
“Passst the Graven Cairnsss. Through the Endlessssss Badlandssss. Over the Ledgessss of Endlesss Madnesss. We sent partiesss of mages afar in the hope to find alliesss. One of the sssearch partiesss sstumbled upon it when they were looking for the Clericsss of Tyma There was a Plainss that wasss always aflame. It burnt with holy rage. The Clerics said that it was because of the sacrileges that you were committing to the balance of the land.”
“Sacrileges! I was trying to save this land from whatever was causing the mana to flow from it. It was worth any cost to keep my power!”
Striding from the Room he walked into his throne room. It was a room covered in a sea of bones. What had once been his court had long since faded into dust. Every other great necromancer of his time had lost the endless battle with Death. He was the only one left…
Sighing he sunk into his throne. It was polished from the endless centuries of his sitting on it. He knew what he must do. He must go to the place the Keeper had spoke of. He was sure that there was nothing left but a wasteland from his undead armies pillaging of the land. But there was a chance that there would be some small source of undevoured white mana left. He would find it and seal his pact with the Demon. He would finally be able to leave this plane. After all that was what the Demon had promised him. He paused to reflect on the countless stories of Demon Pacts ending horribly for the one who summoned them. No matter he was wise enough to stay away from their traps. Gathering the black mana he could around him he clocked him self in raw mana. He would go to the plains and accomplish his goal. Nothing would stop him.
Lich's - Interesting start of a story from you. You hit one of my prompts perfectly. I have a good idea of the special features of your plane (only black mana, a lich ruling over and trying to save it). You've got a decent character going on as well. The problem is, you're lacking a real story. This is, as you put it, chapter one. I want to see the rest of the chapters. You've set up the story, set up to go, but you didn't get there yet. At the very least, we need to know what the demon asked of the lich.
One last minor point: You need to either do self-editing, or have someone else help you with it. There's quite a lot of spelling and grammatical errors in this story. Not to the point of being unreadable, but it does show that you didn't go back over and check.
Spelling and Grammar - 5/10. Readable, but it's noticable this didn't see even a spellcheck.
Characterization - 7/10. You showed us, in this brief stint, much of the lich's personality. He uses black mana, but he did work for the side of good. Or, at least, for the greatest good for the greatest number.
Plot - 3/10. Namely, there wasn't one. You have the start of a plot, but not the rest. I need to see the rest to give you any higher.
Style - 5/10. There were a few things I liked. You seemed to do some specific capitalization to draw attention to words and phrases that could be cards in this set. You gave us some key creatures to work with. You also gave us a lich that has at least some idea of 'saving the world, at least for me'. Still, I needed more to give more.
Prompt - 5/10. You hit the plane for me, but not the story. So half points.
Adherence to Prompt: 6/10 - 5 Points for a satisfactory plane, just 1 of the plot points. We need more.
Plot and Tempo: 4/10 - Although the plot is much less than 4/10 complete, I gave you a little boost because it seems to be a good start of a working plot so far, and the tempo also seems right about on the mark for a short story. In other words, it's on the right track. Need to keep it going.
Writing Style and Identity: 7/10 - Style is hard to determine in a short snippet of the beginning of a story, particularly with grammar errors. I do like some of the ideas, such as the mass of corpses. The Sssssss thing gets annoying though. I'm not a fan of the referencing of MTG cards but it's ok here since we are making an MTG plane. Anyway, the style seems like an ok start, but like we haven't really gone far enough to see any of it.
Characterization: 6/10 - The characterization is in some cases pretty blunt (ie his death mask cracking from smoldering rage is little different from saying he's angry, once you say "smoldering rage") but isn't bad. It is, however, incomplete.
Grammar/Spelling: 5/10 - Just like Nai said, we can tell what you mean but it takes a bit of effort in lots of places. A lot of random capitalizations (Plane) and mispellings and grammar problems.
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