Not sure if this belongs in here, or Philosophy, or where, but this seemed like a good enough place.
I have been thinking a lot lately about "offensive" things - why people even take offense to ANYTHING. It seems utterly useless and baseless to me, at least.
Take the dreaded "N-word" for example. There is nothing inherently offensive about those 6 particular letters being put in that particular order. It's a WORD. Just a word. Yes, there are racist meanings, but if two black (not using the term African-American, because there are black people outside of USA, and I hate "political correctless") people can use the term for each other to mean "brother", or "homeboy", etc., then why can't I, a white male, use it the same way? When i use the term (and yes, I use the term quite a lot) with my white friends, almost as a "term of endearment" towards them, some of them get quite "offended". And I'm not going to lie and say that I don't enjoy the "shock value" of the word; if no one got offended by it, I probably wouldn't say it at all. But in spite of their useless "offense", I use it profusely sometimes, just to show them how ridiculous they are being when they get uppity about the usage of the word, even when it is not being used in a racist context.
Can someone tell me, first of all, why people get offended about things in the first place? Words are just words, and even if someone is using, say, a racial slur in a highly racist way, what is the point of getting offended?
Have you never had your feelings hurt by words? Is it impossible for you to imagine others being hurt by words? Have you never been teased or excluded? Have you ever been an outsider?
Imagine the statement
"I despise you because of a characteristic you didn't choose about yourself, and I'm going to define you only by that characteristic and ignore everything about you that makes an individual."
"Also, remember that there are millions of people who believe or have believed the same way for centuries, and have persecuted people like yourself for the same reason. In another time, people like you would have been considered second-class citizens or worse. Just remember that."
Words like the n-word and the c-word carry with them immense historical baggage. Imagine how different the word "torture" or "rape" would feel if you or someone you cared about deeply had been tortured or raped. Guess what? Most African Americans had ancestors who were slaves, and everybody has a great-grandmother who lived in times of horrible sexism. When you use these words, you are in a way forcing these people to relive a terrible tragedy that has befallen if not them, then millions of people like them.
The United States was a country of slavery not very long ago; way too soon to be making jokes about it. When people get offended by your use of the word it's because to them you are making light of a time in history that was truly horrible. And you are.
Have you never had your feelings hurt by words? Is it impossible for you to imagine others being hurt by words? Have you never been teased or excluded? Have you ever been an outsider?
Imagine the statement
Words like the n-word and the c-word carry with them immense historical baggage. Imagine how different the word "torture" or "rape" would feel if you or someone you cared about deeply had been tortured or raped. Guess what? Most African Americans had ancestors who were slaves, and everybody has a great-grandmother who lived in times of horrible sexism. When you use these words, you are in a way forcing these people to relive a terrible tragedy that has befallen if not them, then millions of people like them.
The United States was a country of slavery not very long ago; way too soon to be making jokes about it. When people get offended by your use of the word it's because to them you are making light of a time in history that was truly horrible. And you are.
So can you explain the reason why, if such a word is so horrifically offensive that it brings back terrible memories and feelings of slavery and oppression, that colored people enjoy using the word as much as they do in common conversation?
Certainly they are not all forcibly invoking feelings of racism, slavery and generations worth of pain and heartache when they use the word as verbs, nouns, adjectives, pronouns, adverbs and everything in between.
Is it only offensive if a white man says the word? What about a Mexican? An Asian? Is it to be exclusively only a "black" word that only "black" people can say? Is this a rule that is supported by the 1st Amendment? If so I'd like to see the evidence where it says nobody else in America but people of color are allowed to say racial slurs and not get in trouble for it.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say you're young, cisgendered, heterosexual, and at least middle-class in addition to being white. You're probably Christian as well. In other words, you're at the absolute pinnacle of the North American societal food chain. Life is damned easy for you. You don't have to concern yourself with the full weight and history behind racist words (you probably also think "gay" is a fine insult). In fact, you're so privileged that you're blind to your own privilege.
That's precisely the reason you shouldn't be using that word. You've never been discriminated against based on your race (and don't give me any "affirmative action is reverse discrimination" garbage). There's no such historical weight hanging over your identity. The reason black people get to use the word is because of how word reclamation goes—it was once used against them as the most horrible of slurs, and now they're taking it back and making it their own.
When i use the term (and yes, I use the term quite a lot) with my white friends, almost as a "term of endearment" towards them, some of them get quite "offended". And I'm not going to lie and say that I don't enjoy the "shock value" of the word; if no one got offended by it, I probably wouldn't say it at all. But in spite of their useless "offense", I use it profusely sometimes, just to show them how ridiculous they are being when they get uppity about the usage of the word, even when it is not being used in a racist context.
Congratulations, you're a douchebag. Not only are you ignoring the massive amount of privilege you have, but you're actively working to offend people who are undoubtedly asking you to stop because you think your opinions are more important than theirs. In fact, you deflect it so that it stops being about their problems and starts being about yours: "Oh, why do they get offended when I say it? I should be allowed to say it too! I'm the one being wronged here!" No, you're not.
"It doesn't matter what they think or say about me," you say, "I get to do whatever I want, because I am the white male and I know best!"
Can someone tell me, first of all, why people get offended about things in the first place? Words are just words, and even if someone is using, say, a racial slur in a highly racist way, what is the point of getting offended?
So if I were to say "you're a complete douchebag who has his head up his ass so far he's using his own eyeballs as glasses," you'd simply shrug it off?
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So can you explain the reason why, if such a word is so horrifically offensive that it brings back terrible memories and feelings of slavery and oppression, that colored people enjoy using the word as much as they do in common conversation?
To expand on what I said above, they're taking something that was as recently as a few decades ago in widespread use as a terrible slur against them and reclaiming it to be something of their own. They used to be powerless against people using the word against them. Their goal is more or less to make it so they have total power over it and its use. It's a little more complex than that but that's the gist of word reclamation.
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Anyway, for people with open minds (or just a lack of privilege, thus who'll find it funnier than white men who just look at it and say "so what's so wrong with what this guy's saying?") interested in this, this(NSFW) is something I frequent that deals with this exact issue.
So can you explain the reason why, if such a word is so horrifically offensive that it brings back terrible memories and feelings of slavery and oppression, that colored people enjoy using the word as much as they do in common conversation?
Certainly they are not all forcibly invoking feelings of racism, slavery and generations worth of pain and heartache when they use the word as verbs, nouns, adjectives, pronouns, adverbs and everything in between.
The explanation is not easy to follow, but I'm going to try anyways.
By using the word themselves, they seek to gain some form of ownership of it and thus take away its power. It is something like "handicapable" or "gay pride;" they are trying to take a label that society uses to reject them and turn it into something to be proud of.
In the same way, a young person might initially be ashamed of being a "nerd" but later on proclaim it as part of his identity later on in life. Regardless, if a big man shoved him into the wall and called him a "nerd" it would still hurt his feelings.
These people (nerds, minorities, etc.) don't want to be outsiders. But because they are forced to, they try to take pride in it.
Is it only offensive if a white man says the word? What about a Mexican? An Asian?
It's much worse if a white person says it because whites were the ones who enslaved blacks. It's still very impolite if another ethnic group says it.
Is it to be exclusively only a "black" word that only "black" people can say? Is this a rule that is supported by the 1st Amendment? If so I'd like to see the evidence where it says nobody else in America but people of color are allowed to say racial slurs and not get in trouble for it.
There are social rules that for obvious reasons must lie outside of the legal system. We must allow people to be Nazis and KKK members. We must allow the acts that are just barely not animal abuse.
So if I were to say "you're a complete douchebag who has his head up his ass so far he's using his own eyeballs as glasses," you'd simply shrug it off?
Probably. But that's more because I think you're a nice enough person that if you were to say such a thing it would probably be in jest or in the spirit of trolling.
I know, I just blew your mind by saying I think you're a nice person. lol.
To expand on what I said above, they're taking something that was as recently as a few decades ago in widespread use as a terrible slur against them and reclaiming it to be something of their own. They used to be powerless against people using the word against them. Their goal is more or less to make it so they have total power over it and its use. It's a little more complex than that but that's the gist of word reclamation.
Then I suppose I have no way to understand the logic behind this practice. If I were horribly discriminated against and called "Ugly", denied opportunity due to let's say, my inferior genetics. Forced to go only to places with other people with inferior genetics, and even sold into slavery, beaten and abused for being "Ugly", then I don't think I could ever possibly become comfortable with the idea of going around after achieving freedom and calling everyone around me "Ugly" as if it wear a term of endearment and respect. I'd want the term removed from every aspect of my life, never to be used again lest it bring up the horror and pain of my time as an "Ugly".
I know, I just blew your mind by saying I think you're a nice person. lol.
If this was a troll attempt, it was a good one. If it wasn't, you just made yourself look like an idiot.
Then I suppose I have no way to understand the logic behind this practice. If I were horribly discriminated against and called "Ugly", denied opportunity due to let's say, my inferior genetics. Forced to go only to places with other people with inferior genetics, and even sold into slavery, beaten and abused for being "Ugly", then I don't think I could ever possibly become comfortable with the idea of going around after achieving freedom and calling everyone around me "Ugly" as if it wear a term of endearment and respect. I'd want the term removed from every aspect of my life, never to be used again lest it bring up the horror and pain of my time as an "Ugly".
But you can't escape it. You know you're ugly. Everyone around you treats you like you're ugly. So unless you want to become a hermit you have to come to terms with it as a part of your social identity.
Sometimes you see ugly people joking about how attractive they are; this is a way of embracing their ugliness in a non-shameful way.
With other "uglies" it could be an inside joke because they all share the pain of ugliness.
But it would still hurt them if other people (especially attractive people) started calling them ugly. Is any of this making sense to you? I'm trying to be as clear as I can.
But you can't escape it. You know you're ugly. Everyone around you treats you like you're ugly. So unless you want to become a hermit you have to come to terms with it as a part of your social identity.
Sometimes you see ugly people joking about how attractive they are; this is a way of embracing their ugliness in a non-shameful way.
I know, I just blew your mind by saying I think you're a nice person. lol.
It did actually make me do a double take, yes.
Then I suppose I have no way to understand the logic behind this practice. If I were horribly discriminated against and called "Ugly", denied opportunity due to let's say, my inferior genetics. Forced to go only to places with other people with inferior genetics, and even sold into slavery, beaten and abused for being "Ugly", then I don't think I could ever possibly become comfortable with the idea of going around after achieving freedom and calling everyone around me "Ugly" as if it wear a term of endearment and respect. I'd want the term removed from every aspect of my life, never to be used again lest it bring up the horror and pain of my time as an "Ugly".
Speaking as someone who's been called some not very nice words herself in the spirit of prejudice and discrimination (and for the record, I'm white, but it's some of the only actual privilege I have), I do understand the sentiment of being loathe to saying a word despite being the group to which the slurs are directed. I've even done the thing where one of my friends uses one of them (and strictly speaking she has every right to) in this same spirit and yet I find myself wishing she didn't. But I ignore it because I know it's not meant in any harmful way. In this case, keeping it verboten would only increase its power. And I'd be the first to complain if one of my Average White Guy(tm) friends started using it.
Sometimes you see ugly people joking about how attractive they are; this is a way of embracing their ugliness in a non-shameful way.
Sure. And black people can call each other the N word. But when a black guy does it, you can't be sure that there's no racism behind it. The white guy can't disassociate himself from the context of him being white and saying it, just like the black guy's oppressors used to. So it's better for the white guy to respect the word and leave it alone. This is pretty much the short version of the point I'm making.
(Edit: Note I'm agreeing with you, not arguing with you.)
(Edit 2: Typed "white" instead of "black" at one point. Oops.)
Can someone tell me, first of all, why people get offended about things in the first place? Words are just words, and even if someone is using, say, a racial slur in a highly racist way, what is the point of getting offended?
Well that's simple enough. Words exist to convey meaning. Without meaning words are just noise. So if we treat words as the sentiment they represent rather than the sound they consist of then it should become clear how they can be offensive. If a man says he intends to murder my best friend, and then proceeds to do so, I wouldn't be pleased if, at some point in the future, he made a joke about murdering someone. Yes, it was used in a joking manner, but because of certain actions in the past I, as an individual, am primed to see that joke as threatening.
It is somewhat the same with slurs. They convey the meaning that the target is a lower form of human being than the speaker, that the speaker is civilized while the target is not, that the speaker is powerful, while the target is weak, that the speaker is master and the target a slave. If someone held those feelings towards another me, and made them known, then it would be very hard not to be angry at them. Especially if, at some point in the past, they had, or had attempted to, ensure that their sentiments became reality.
If this doesn't make any sense, let me know and I'll try to work it out with you.
And just for reference, I am a white, hetero, middle class, college educated (ongoing) male. So it is indeed possible for those of our persuasion to be sensitive to these sentiments.
Not sure if this belongs in here, or Philosophy, or where, but this seemed like a good enough place.
Humanities, arts, and social sciences; or, an investigation into the human condition, aye?
Take the dreaded "N-word" for example. There is nothing inherently offensive about those 6 particular letters being put in that particular order. It's a WORD. Just a word.
A reductivist view of the term "☺☺☺☺☺☺" is that it is but a six-lettered word; but, a reductivist view of, say, the concept of love would be a series of biochemical reactions.
why can't I, a white male, use it the same way?
If you want some understanding of the word that seems to be but a word, consider perusing much literature (to start, Wikipedia) and academic disciplines that are beyond my formal grasp.
My understanding is that the term "☺☺☺☺☺☺" was more than a word but "hate speech", whatever this precisely means in and of itself. It was used as a word of "power", disparaging or derogatory to "African-American"/"Black Americans" and implicitly laudative to "White Americans", and a word that was historically associated with violence towards "African-Americans"/"Black Americans".
The double standard, the racial inequality, the "taking the term back", and all, to me, is rather irrelevant; of course, this may be evidence that I have a poor grasp of U.S.-centric history or as a result of not being wholly raised in the U.S., where the term is a taboo, the alternate "Black American" is as controversial, and political correctness in a great many cases seems overdone.
Why, even if it weren't a taboo, would one use the term "☺☺☺☺☺☺"? As it is loaded and stigmatised and, as such, its usage is prescribed against, for fear of social reprehension and whatnot, I wouldn't see the logic or sound purpose in usage of the term.
When i use the term (and yes, I use the term quite a lot) with my white friends, almost as a "term of endearment" towards them, some of them get quite "offended". And I'm not going to lie and say that I don't enjoy the "shock value" of the word; if no one got offended by it, I probably wouldn't say it at all. But in spite of their useless "offense", I use it profusely sometimes, just to show them how ridiculous they are being when they get uppity about the usage of the word, even when it is not being used in a racist context.
Is it offence or over-political correctness?
Can someone tell me, first of all, why people get offended about things in the first place?
Pride.
Words are just words, and even if someone is using, say, a racial slur in a highly racist way, what is the point of getting offended?
Your premise that words are not just words is faulty.
Well, to elaborate: You were one of the first people to try and help me during my identity crisis in the Water Cooler section regarding God and religion. So even if you were on the opposite side of the fence, I felt that you had a genuine sense of caring for my condition and wanting me to reach a safe and logical conclusion to my problem. Therefore, I guess I'm kind of bias towards believing you being a good person.
Speaking as someone who's been called some not very nice words herself in the spirit of prejudice and discrimination (and for the record, I'm white, but it's some of the only actual privilege I have), I do understand the sentiment of being loathe to saying a word despite being the group to which the slurs are directed. I've even done the thing where one of my friends uses one of them (and strictly speaking she has every right to) in this same spirit and yet I find myself wishing she didn't. But I ignore it because I know it's not meant in any harmful way. In this case, keeping it verboten would only increase its power. And I'd be the first to complain if one of my Average White Guy(tm) friends started using it.
Hmph, so the use of racial slurs excessively in all forms is an attempt to desensitize society to it's effectiveness as a racial slur? Interesting.
Hmph, so the use of racial slurs excessively in all forms is an attempt to desensitize society to it's effectiveness as a racial slur? Interesting.
Kind of. If only a few black people were to try reclaiming the N word, the attempt would simply fall flat. However, since a great many black people are vehement about reclaiming it, saturating society with their use of it, this use (and the fact that only they get to use it) starts taking over in everyone's minds.
There's a slightly humorous observation I heard once that a "☺☺☺☺☺☺" (the full-on six-letter slur the OP mentions) is a black man in iron chains in the field, while a "☺☺☺☺☺" (the five-letter version used by black people themselves) is a black man in gold chains in the club. The sheer ubiquity of the latter term is what enabled this change in meaning to take place. Certainly, the latter has negative connotations of its own, but its use isn't the province of white people like the former was.
Eh, I've always reffered to my black friends affectionately as my ☺☺☺☺☺ (the 5 letter word of course), even though I am white.
I've found that if your relationship is good enough, the word is perfectly fine. I would obviously have a problem if I went up to a random stranger and called them that.
They do say a measure of friendship is how much you can insult someone without them taking offense.
I'd like to note on the "But black people use the N-word too!". The only black people who use it are teenagers and adults who are part of the "gangsta" culture.
You'll never see two black neighbours on their way to the office going "Good morning n****!"
However I do agree that it's time the black community get over the word. The better path to recovery is to grow past it, not to cling the victimization it brings.
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It is always easy to be tolerant and understanding...Until someone presents an opinion completely opposite to your own.
Offense comes. It's not those who you don't care about that offend, it will those whom you love, trust or respect.
The house I was raised in was fairly unconventional, in the fact that we took light of just about any situation. My mother calls herself an "equal opportunity racist", hating everyone equally. Now, I don't truly believe she has hatred toward people just because of their skin color, but she hates stupid people for doing stupid things, sometimes racially stereotypical things (can't drive, etc). So, I guess I haven't had the experience of those close to me getting offended too much...
Biblically, Jesus challenged his disciples on the subject. After seeing everything that Jesus did, learning straight from him, their response to how to deal with offense was 'increase our faith'.
But to the core of your post. Offense is inside you. You choose to be offended or not. And when we are offended (offenses shall come) you will chose how long you'll remain offended.
Have you never had your feelings hurt by words? Is it impossible for you to imagine others being hurt by words? Have you never been teased or excluded? Have you ever been an outsider?
Yes, I have. I am 19, and weigh 270 lbs. So, I am overweight, and have been all of my life. When I was in grade school, I was picked on and excluded for my weight and physical appearance. I'm not going to say that I wasn't offended, but I will say that I was definitely a different person then than I am now. At the age of 10, I had never thought of anything philosophically before.
Imagine the statement:
"I despise you because of a characteristic you didn't choose about yourself, and I'm going to define you only by that characteristic and ignore everything about you that makes an individual."
"Also, remember that there are millions of people who believe or have believed the same way for centuries, and have persecuted people like yourself for the same reason. In another time, people like you would have been considered second-class citizens or worse. Just remember that."
Words like the n-word and the c-word carry with them immense historical baggage. Imagine how different the word "torture" or "rape" would feel if you or someone you cared about deeply had been tortured or raped. Guess what? Most African Americans had ancestors who were slaves, and everybody has a great-grandmother who lived in times of horrible sexism. When you use these words, you are in a way forcing these people to relive a terrible tragedy that has befallen if not them, then millions of people like them.
To your statements: they are filled with such ignorance that I would probably write off the person who stated them and most likely disassociate myself from them because of it.
"historical baggage". I think that this is irrelevant. Not in the sense that it doesn't effect people, but in the sense that it shouldn't. Why does something that happened hundreds of years ago matter as far as conversation in 2011 goes? Sure, we should remember it so that it doesn't happen again and whatever, but these people weren't slaves, these people didn't "live in a sexist" time, so they should definitely get over themselves and move on with their lives.
This may seem harsh (or douchey), but it's how I really feel. There are too many things (in my eyes) that are completely unnecessary and irrelevant to society that we waste our time with. This is one of them. And yes, if this were to happen, I probably wouldn't use the word anymore, but then again, I probably wouldn't care either.
The United States was a country of slavery not very long ago; way too soon to be making jokes about it. When people get offended by your use of the word it's because to them you are making light of a time in history that was truly horrible. And you are.
Again, this "too soon" business. Who cares. What does it matter? If something is funny, make a joke, laugh, move on with your day. I don't deny that I am making light of a "horrible" time, but things happened, they weren't my fault, there's nothing I can do to correct them (the events themselves), so why should I concern myself with ideas of "too soon"? If I want to make a joke, why should I restrict my "pool of available jokes" because of the actions of others?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say you're young, cisgendered, heterosexual, and at least middle-class in addition to being white. You're probably Christian as well. In other words, you're at the absolute pinnacle of the North American societal food chain. Life is damned easy for you. You don't have to concern yourself with the full weight and history behind racist words (you probably also think "gay" is a fine insult). In fact, you're so privileged that you're blind to your own privilege.
I'm 19, not entirely sure what cisgendered is, heterosexual, white, and possibly middle class. My family history is somewhat muddled, but that's for another time. I am most certainly not Christian. I am not atheist either, I just see no reason/proof in either view enough to "believe" anything about it.
Yes, life is easy for me comparatively. And you're right, I don't have to concern myself with the "full weight" or history behind these words, but I also believe that no one should. What does it matter? Yes, it was a terrible thing that happened (most people believe, morally speaking), and yes, it shouldn't happen again because bad things would come of it, but why dwell on it? What purpose does that serve?
I do think "gay" is a fine substitute for the word "lame" because that is how it is used often enough. The purpose of language is to convey a message. If I convey a message using the word "gay" in that way, and you receive it as such, then the language has served its purpose and we can all move on with our day. It's not like I'm slighting every homosexual person by saying this, I'm merely using language in the way that is useful to me at the time.
I don't know about privileged, but I suppose that some of that comes inherently from being white, male, etc. And while I may be blind to it, can you really blame that on me?
That's precisely the reason you shouldn't be using that word. You've never been discriminated against based on your race (and don't give me any "affirmative action is reverse discrimination" garbage). There's no such historical weight hanging over your identity. The reason black people get to use the word is because of how word reclamation goes—it was once used against them as the most horrible of slurs, and now they're taking it back and making it their own.
No, I haven't been discriminated against based on my race, and yes, affirmative action is complete and utter horse manure. But that's besides the point.
And here we are with this "historical weight". I know this is a fight I'm probably going to lose, but I really don't think that a person's identity has to have any "historical baggage" other than that which is truly from their own experiences.
How can a black person born today truly relate to slavery that happened 200 years ago? For all they know, it could be an elaborate story made up to reap rewards of affirmative action (I'm not saying I believe this, just pointing out a separation that should exist). They themselves weren't enslaved, so why should it be a part of who she is? Because she is black?
Congratulations, you're a douchebag. Not only are you ignoring the massive amount of privilege you have, but you're actively working to offend people who are undoubtedly asking you to stop because you think your opinions are more important than theirs. In fact, you deflect it so that it stops being about their problems and starts being about yours: "Oh, why do they get offended when I say it? I should be allowed to say it too! I'm the one being wronged here!" No, you're not.
"It doesn't matter what they think or say about me," you say, "I get to do whatever I want, because I am the white male and I know best!"
That first part is most definitely something I can live with. I don't necessarily think my opinions are more important than theirs, I just see no logical basis in their opinions. I still don't think that I've been given sufficient logical evidence to show that I shouldn't use this word to convey a message other than "second-class citizen", or whatever.
I'm not being wronged, I'm just trying to expose the reasons for their offense, and show them that they are useless and meaningless.
And that last part is, at the very least, twisting my words. These people know that I don't hate black people because they are black, they know why I am using the word, but you're right: I do care very little what people think about me. Not because I know best, but because most of society doesn't. As I've said before, there are tons of things (social graces, social norms) in this society that are completely and utterly useless and serve no purpose.
So if I were to say "you're a complete douchebag who has his head up his ass so far he's using his own eyeballs as glasses," you'd simply shrug it off?
I would shrug it off in the sense that you are entitled to your opinion, and when I would ask what your logical basis for having that opinion is. If it is because I am white, I would take solace in the fact that you have no real logical basis for the opinion, and move on with my day. If you had real, legitimate reasons, I would do one of two things.
1) If I cared enough about how you felt about me to change my behavior, I would do so in order to make you think higher of me, or
2) Not care about what you think of me, perhaps because we don't know each other, and carry on with my life.
Anyway, for people with open minds (or just a lack of privilege, thus who'll find it funnier than white men who just look at it and say "so what's so wrong with what this guy's saying?") interested in this, this is something I frequent that deals with this exact issue..
First, onto the words: remember that words are representations of a concept. When you say "apple" you are referring to a fruit with some characteristics and everyone understand it that way because we've come to a convention of meanings for the words. The problem is when someone has a different meaning for the word. "☺☺☺☺☺☺", for example, may be derogative for some people in some situations, while not for others.
Now, as I explained my self, the problem ain't the word but the meaning the people has for the word. Someone may find that mening derogative or humiliating. And that's where your true question is: what is derogative/peyorative/humilaiting/offensive? Why do we feel that?
I find it very natural to feel offended: someone that offends you (intentionally) is someone who wants to hurt you... and you have to defend yourself. I find it a very basic impulse/instinct, but one we can overcome.
It's much worse if a white person says it because whites were the ones who enslaved blacks. It's still very impolite if another ethnic group says it.
No, Arabs inslaved Africans. Your statement seems to implay that Whites are souly responsible for the African slave trade. It wasnt till about 1450 untill Europeans actually started dealing in the African Slave trade. Before that, slavery had a home in Europe in the form of Sefdom.
There's a very simple reason that offense as a concept exists, and it also includes using the word ☺☺☺☺☺☺ (I'm sure it's censored, but we're adults, so we shouldn't have to say "the n-word" in a discussion):
Power Dynamics
Essentially, certain words carry power connotations and ideas of superiority are inherent within them. Thus, when the word ☺☺☺☺☺☺ is used as pejorative, it's not an off the cuff commentary like another insult, it carries a deep seated meaning of "I am better than you because of something you have no control over" while instructing the receiver to know their inferior place. It was also a rallying cry for hate movements that discriminated based upon their belief of black skin being the mark of an inferior race.
If that doesn't really hit home where you live, try walking around talking about Zionist conspiracy and the corruption of society caused by the Jews; the same concept is behind anti-Semitism and the word ☺☺☺☺☺☺. Essentially, you're making a prescription for what society should be like, and you're putting a certain group of individuals on the bottom ala the pariah caste.
First, onto the words: remember that words are representations of a concept. When you say "apple" you are referring to a fruit with some characteristics and everyone understand it that way because we've come to a convention of meanings for the words. The problem is when someone has a different meaning for the word. "☺☺☺☺☺☺", for example, may be derogative for some people in some situations, while not for others.
Now, as I explained my self, the problem ain't the word but the meaning the people has for the word. Someone may find that mening derogative or humiliating. And that's where your true question is: what is derogative/peyorative/humilaiting/offensive? Why do we feel that?
Now if you didn't feel like you understood that please go back and read again, the thread will wait for you.
Good.
Now we can move on.
I find it very natural to feel offended: someone that offends you (intentionally) is someone who wants to hurt you... and you have to defend yourself. I find it a very basic impulse/instinct, but one we can overcome.
This is hitting the nail on the head. Honestly, the power of words is (I thought this was obvious) their meaning.
Therefore, if we use terms like the N word in casual conversation, they lose some of their power. Obviously, this could be a useful tactic, if you're trying to make a word become "less offensive" but honestly, people have words like f***, s***,c***, and so on because they want to convey something to someone else. And usually that sense is anger. However, it is understandable that these "heavy-handed" word would be used in a casual context because humans have an interesting sense of humor and to use them like this is strangely ironic, although few people make this evaluation as they are using them.
Anyway moral of the story: think before you speak. It can sometimes save you a lot of trouble.
Everyone in this thread just shut up, Teia Rabishu has clearly demonstrated that white males are not allowed to have opinions on this. We just can't understand the pain of not being a white male, and everything we have done has been handed to us on a silver platter.
Also, don't question affirmative action because again, as a white male you just can't understand.
EDIT:
Not that I use or condone using the N-word, Rabishu's superior attitude just pisses me off. The whole "aha, I see you are a white North American male, let me cast my assumptions on you and act like I can easily analyze your simple mind, blah blah gender race identity discrimination" is kind of annoying.
First, onto the words: remember that words are representations of a concept. When you say "apple" you are referring to a fruit with some characteristics and everyone understand it that way because we've come to a convention of meanings for the words.
Why can't this convention change? In the instance of the word "gay", many, many people have come to a "convention" that it cam also mean the word "lame" while still meaning "homosexual", depending on context.
The problem is when someone has a different meaning for the word. "☺☺☺☺☺☺", for example, may be derogative for some people in some situations, while not for others.
Exactly. When I use it as a term of endearment for my white friends, it's definitely not in a derogatory way, though their natural instinct is to interpret it that way. This instinct is what I'm trying to expose, and show that it is baseless because of how I am using the word.
Now, as I explained my self, the problem ain't the word but the meaning the people has for the word. Someone may find that mening derogative or humiliating. And that's where your true question is: what is derogative/peyorative/humilaiting/offensive? Why do we feel that?
I find it very natural to feel offended: someone that offends you (intentionally) is someone who wants to hurt you... and you have to defend yourself. I find it a very basic impulse/instinct, but one we can overcome.
I also want to ask what its purpose is. I feel that society instills in us that certain words are "offensive" and are to be avoided, and therein lies the basic "offense" instinct. This is something that I believe I have (at least, mostly) overcome, because I see no use for it. I am trying to get others to see why I have done this and perhaps get them to do the same.
There's a very simple reason that offense as a concept exists: Power Dynamics
Essentially, certain words carry power connotations and ideas of superiority are inherent within them. Thus, when the word ☺☺☺☺☺☺ is used as pejorative, it's not an off the cuff commentary like another insult, it carries a deep seated meaning of "I am better than you because of something you have no control over" while instructing the receiver to know their inferior place.
I agree with this. But some people fail to recognize that I am using it as "off the cuff" commentary as other insults, rather than trying to convey the "power dynamics".
I also want to ask what its purpose is. I feel that society instills in us that certain words are "offensive" and are to be avoided, and therein lies the basic "offense" instinct. This is something that I believe I have (at least, mostly) overcome, because I see no use for it. I am trying to get others to see why I have done this and perhaps get them to do the same.
As I told you, this "offense instinct" is made to defend ourselves from someone that (supposedly byt the instinct) wants to hurt us. This is not logical by itself. Much like a dog barking and trying to bite you when you are only passing by, because its instinct tells it that you want to do something bad to it. We humans can somewhat overcome and suppress these instincts, but is hard and you should not expect it from everyone.
And you are right in something: as many things for humans, what is or what is not offensive is teached. And we use to teach what was teached from us. You can try to change this by teaching that the word "☺☺☺☺☺☺" is not offensive... but the problem is that someone else will be trying to teach the contrary because of historical reasons.
Now, I surely do find some degree of offensiveness useful. If a male's boss, for example, is treating that guy like ☺☺☺☺ and he doesn't do something about it, it will be hard (not impossible) that a girl takes interest on him, as they will perceive him "weak" and other males will laugh at him instead of being friendly. Is like the trying to be "alpha male", or something. I'm not saying that the guy should kill his boss, but to defend himself.
Any time that you make assumptions about a person because of characteristics about that person, rather than their behaviors and beliefs, you are depersonalizing them.
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It looked to me like she was making (fairly accurate) assumptions about his characteristics based on his behaviours and beliefs, rather than the other way round.
I'm not sure if that's an improvement from your point of view.
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I have been thinking a lot lately about "offensive" things - why people even take offense to ANYTHING. It seems utterly useless and baseless to me, at least.
Take the dreaded "N-word" for example. There is nothing inherently offensive about those 6 particular letters being put in that particular order. It's a WORD. Just a word. Yes, there are racist meanings, but if two black (not using the term African-American, because there are black people outside of USA, and I hate "political correctless") people can use the term for each other to mean "brother", or "homeboy", etc., then why can't I, a white male, use it the same way? When i use the term (and yes, I use the term quite a lot) with my white friends, almost as a "term of endearment" towards them, some of them get quite "offended". And I'm not going to lie and say that I don't enjoy the "shock value" of the word; if no one got offended by it, I probably wouldn't say it at all. But in spite of their useless "offense", I use it profusely sometimes, just to show them how ridiculous they are being when they get uppity about the usage of the word, even when it is not being used in a racist context.
Can someone tell me, first of all, why people get offended about things in the first place? Words are just words, and even if someone is using, say, a racial slur in a highly racist way, what is the point of getting offended?
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Have you never had your feelings hurt by words? Is it impossible for you to imagine others being hurt by words? Have you never been teased or excluded? Have you ever been an outsider?
Imagine the statement
Words like the n-word and the c-word carry with them immense historical baggage. Imagine how different the word "torture" or "rape" would feel if you or someone you cared about deeply had been tortured or raped. Guess what? Most African Americans had ancestors who were slaves, and everybody has a great-grandmother who lived in times of horrible sexism. When you use these words, you are in a way forcing these people to relive a terrible tragedy that has befallen if not them, then millions of people like them.
The United States was a country of slavery not very long ago; way too soon to be making jokes about it. When people get offended by your use of the word it's because to them you are making light of a time in history that was truly horrible. And you are.
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So can you explain the reason why, if such a word is so horrifically offensive that it brings back terrible memories and feelings of slavery and oppression, that colored people enjoy using the word as much as they do in common conversation?
Certainly they are not all forcibly invoking feelings of racism, slavery and generations worth of pain and heartache when they use the word as verbs, nouns, adjectives, pronouns, adverbs and everything in between.
Is it only offensive if a white man says the word? What about a Mexican? An Asian? Is it to be exclusively only a "black" word that only "black" people can say? Is this a rule that is supported by the 1st Amendment? If so I'd like to see the evidence where it says nobody else in America but people of color are allowed to say racial slurs and not get in trouble for it.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say you're young, cisgendered, heterosexual, and at least middle-class in addition to being white. You're probably Christian as well. In other words, you're at the absolute pinnacle of the North American societal food chain. Life is damned easy for you. You don't have to concern yourself with the full weight and history behind racist words (you probably also think "gay" is a fine insult). In fact, you're so privileged that you're blind to your own privilege.
That's precisely the reason you shouldn't be using that word. You've never been discriminated against based on your race (and don't give me any "affirmative action is reverse discrimination" garbage). There's no such historical weight hanging over your identity. The reason black people get to use the word is because of how word reclamation goes—it was once used against them as the most horrible of slurs, and now they're taking it back and making it their own.
Congratulations, you're a douchebag. Not only are you ignoring the massive amount of privilege you have, but you're actively working to offend people who are undoubtedly asking you to stop because you think your opinions are more important than theirs. In fact, you deflect it so that it stops being about their problems and starts being about yours: "Oh, why do they get offended when I say it? I should be allowed to say it too! I'm the one being wronged here!" No, you're not.
"It doesn't matter what they think or say about me," you say, "I get to do whatever I want, because I am the white male and I know best!"
So if I were to say "you're a complete douchebag who has his head up his ass so far he's using his own eyeballs as glasses," you'd simply shrug it off?
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To expand on what I said above, they're taking something that was as recently as a few decades ago in widespread use as a terrible slur against them and reclaiming it to be something of their own. They used to be powerless against people using the word against them. Their goal is more or less to make it so they have total power over it and its use. It's a little more complex than that but that's the gist of word reclamation.
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Anyway, for people with open minds (or just a lack of privilege, thus who'll find it funnier than white men who just look at it and say "so what's so wrong with what this guy's saying?") interested in this, this (NSFW) is something I frequent that deals with this exact issue.
Also 7/10 if this thread was an elaborate troll.
The explanation is not easy to follow, but I'm going to try anyways.
By using the word themselves, they seek to gain some form of ownership of it and thus take away its power. It is something like "handicapable" or "gay pride;" they are trying to take a label that society uses to reject them and turn it into something to be proud of.
In the same way, a young person might initially be ashamed of being a "nerd" but later on proclaim it as part of his identity later on in life. Regardless, if a big man shoved him into the wall and called him a "nerd" it would still hurt his feelings.
These people (nerds, minorities, etc.) don't want to be outsiders. But because they are forced to, they try to take pride in it.
It's much worse if a white person says it because whites were the ones who enslaved blacks. It's still very impolite if another ethnic group says it.
There are social rules that for obvious reasons must lie outside of the legal system. We must allow people to be Nazis and KKK members. We must allow the acts that are just barely not animal abuse.
That doesn't make them utterly reprehensible.
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Probably. But that's more because I think you're a nice enough person that if you were to say such a thing it would probably be in jest or in the spirit of trolling.
I know, I just blew your mind by saying I think you're a nice person. lol.
Then I suppose I have no way to understand the logic behind this practice. If I were horribly discriminated against and called "Ugly", denied opportunity due to let's say, my inferior genetics. Forced to go only to places with other people with inferior genetics, and even sold into slavery, beaten and abused for being "Ugly", then I don't think I could ever possibly become comfortable with the idea of going around after achieving freedom and calling everyone around me "Ugly" as if it wear a term of endearment and respect. I'd want the term removed from every aspect of my life, never to be used again lest it bring up the horror and pain of my time as an "Ugly".
If this was a troll attempt, it was a good one. If it wasn't, you just made yourself look like an idiot.
But you can't escape it. You know you're ugly. Everyone around you treats you like you're ugly. So unless you want to become a hermit you have to come to terms with it as a part of your social identity.
Sometimes you see ugly people joking about how attractive they are; this is a way of embracing their ugliness in a non-shameful way.
With other "uglies" it could be an inside joke because they all share the pain of ugliness.
But it would still hurt them if other people (especially attractive people) started calling them ugly. Is any of this making sense to you? I'm trying to be as clear as I can.
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Well, I am quite the sexy beast.
It did actually make me do a double take, yes.
Speaking as someone who's been called some not very nice words herself in the spirit of prejudice and discrimination (and for the record, I'm white, but it's some of the only actual privilege I have), I do understand the sentiment of being loathe to saying a word despite being the group to which the slurs are directed. I've even done the thing where one of my friends uses one of them (and strictly speaking she has every right to) in this same spirit and yet I find myself wishing she didn't. But I ignore it because I know it's not meant in any harmful way. In this case, keeping it verboten would only increase its power. And I'd be the first to complain if one of my Average White Guy(tm) friends started using it.
Sure. And black people can call each other the N word. But when a black guy does it, you can't be sure that there's no racism behind it. The white guy can't disassociate himself from the context of him being white and saying it, just like the black guy's oppressors used to. So it's better for the white guy to respect the word and leave it alone. This is pretty much the short version of the point I'm making.
(Edit: Note I'm agreeing with you, not arguing with you.)
(Edit 2: Typed "white" instead of "black" at one point. Oops.)
Well that's simple enough. Words exist to convey meaning. Without meaning words are just noise. So if we treat words as the sentiment they represent rather than the sound they consist of then it should become clear how they can be offensive. If a man says he intends to murder my best friend, and then proceeds to do so, I wouldn't be pleased if, at some point in the future, he made a joke about murdering someone. Yes, it was used in a joking manner, but because of certain actions in the past I, as an individual, am primed to see that joke as threatening.
It is somewhat the same with slurs. They convey the meaning that the target is a lower form of human being than the speaker, that the speaker is civilized while the target is not, that the speaker is powerful, while the target is weak, that the speaker is master and the target a slave. If someone held those feelings towards another me, and made them known, then it would be very hard not to be angry at them. Especially if, at some point in the past, they had, or had attempted to, ensure that their sentiments became reality.
If this doesn't make any sense, let me know and I'll try to work it out with you.
And just for reference, I am a white, hetero, middle class, college educated (ongoing) male. So it is indeed possible for those of our persuasion to be sensitive to these sentiments.
A reductivist view of the term "☺☺☺☺☺☺" is that it is but a six-lettered word; but, a reductivist view of, say, the concept of love would be a series of biochemical reactions.
If you want some understanding of the word that seems to be but a word, consider perusing much literature (to start, Wikipedia) and academic disciplines that are beyond my formal grasp.
My understanding is that the term "☺☺☺☺☺☺" was more than a word but "hate speech", whatever this precisely means in and of itself. It was used as a word of "power", disparaging or derogatory to "African-American"/"Black Americans" and implicitly laudative to "White Americans", and a word that was historically associated with violence towards "African-Americans"/"Black Americans".
The double standard, the racial inequality, the "taking the term back", and all, to me, is rather irrelevant; of course, this may be evidence that I have a poor grasp of U.S.-centric history or as a result of not being wholly raised in the U.S., where the term is a taboo, the alternate "Black American" is as controversial, and political correctness in a great many cases seems overdone.
Why, even if it weren't a taboo, would one use the term "☺☺☺☺☺☺"? As it is loaded and stigmatised and, as such, its usage is prescribed against, for fear of social reprehension and whatnot, I wouldn't see the logic or sound purpose in usage of the term.
Is it offence or over-political correctness?
Pride.
Your premise that words are not just words is faulty.
Well, to elaborate: You were one of the first people to try and help me during my identity crisis in the Water Cooler section regarding God and religion. So even if you were on the opposite side of the fence, I felt that you had a genuine sense of caring for my condition and wanting me to reach a safe and logical conclusion to my problem. Therefore, I guess I'm kind of bias towards believing you being a good person.
Hmph, so the use of racial slurs excessively in all forms is an attempt to desensitize society to it's effectiveness as a racial slur? Interesting.
Kind of. If only a few black people were to try reclaiming the N word, the attempt would simply fall flat. However, since a great many black people are vehement about reclaiming it, saturating society with their use of it, this use (and the fact that only they get to use it) starts taking over in everyone's minds.
There's a slightly humorous observation I heard once that a "☺☺☺☺☺☺" (the full-on six-letter slur the OP mentions) is a black man in iron chains in the field, while a "☺☺☺☺☺" (the five-letter version used by black people themselves) is a black man in gold chains in the club. The sheer ubiquity of the latter term is what enabled this change in meaning to take place. Certainly, the latter has negative connotations of its own, but its use isn't the province of white people like the former was.
I've found that if your relationship is good enough, the word is perfectly fine. I would obviously have a problem if I went up to a random stranger and called them that.
I'd like to note on the "But black people use the N-word too!". The only black people who use it are teenagers and adults who are part of the "gangsta" culture.
You'll never see two black neighbours on their way to the office going "Good morning n****!"
However I do agree that it's time the black community get over the word. The better path to recovery is to grow past it, not to cling the victimization it brings.
What.
The house I was raised in was fairly unconventional, in the fact that we took light of just about any situation. My mother calls herself an "equal opportunity racist", hating everyone equally. Now, I don't truly believe she has hatred toward people just because of their skin color, but she hates stupid people for doing stupid things, sometimes racially stereotypical things (can't drive, etc). So, I guess I haven't had the experience of those close to me getting offended too much...
That doesn't really help me much...
Yes, I have. I am 19, and weigh 270 lbs. So, I am overweight, and have been all of my life. When I was in grade school, I was picked on and excluded for my weight and physical appearance. I'm not going to say that I wasn't offended, but I will say that I was definitely a different person then than I am now. At the age of 10, I had never thought of anything philosophically before.
To your statements: they are filled with such ignorance that I would probably write off the person who stated them and most likely disassociate myself from them because of it.
"historical baggage". I think that this is irrelevant. Not in the sense that it doesn't effect people, but in the sense that it shouldn't. Why does something that happened hundreds of years ago matter as far as conversation in 2011 goes? Sure, we should remember it so that it doesn't happen again and whatever, but these people weren't slaves, these people didn't "live in a sexist" time, so they should definitely get over themselves and move on with their lives.
This may seem harsh (or douchey), but it's how I really feel. There are too many things (in my eyes) that are completely unnecessary and irrelevant to society that we waste our time with. This is one of them. And yes, if this were to happen, I probably wouldn't use the word anymore, but then again, I probably wouldn't care either.
Again, this "too soon" business. Who cares. What does it matter? If something is funny, make a joke, laugh, move on with your day. I don't deny that I am making light of a "horrible" time, but things happened, they weren't my fault, there's nothing I can do to correct them (the events themselves), so why should I concern myself with ideas of "too soon"? If I want to make a joke, why should I restrict my "pool of available jokes" because of the actions of others?
I'm 19, not entirely sure what cisgendered is, heterosexual, white, and possibly middle class. My family history is somewhat muddled, but that's for another time. I am most certainly not Christian. I am not atheist either, I just see no reason/proof in either view enough to "believe" anything about it.
Yes, life is easy for me comparatively. And you're right, I don't have to concern myself with the "full weight" or history behind these words, but I also believe that no one should. What does it matter? Yes, it was a terrible thing that happened (most people believe, morally speaking), and yes, it shouldn't happen again because bad things would come of it, but why dwell on it? What purpose does that serve?
I do think "gay" is a fine substitute for the word "lame" because that is how it is used often enough. The purpose of language is to convey a message. If I convey a message using the word "gay" in that way, and you receive it as such, then the language has served its purpose and we can all move on with our day. It's not like I'm slighting every homosexual person by saying this, I'm merely using language in the way that is useful to me at the time.
I don't know about privileged, but I suppose that some of that comes inherently from being white, male, etc. And while I may be blind to it, can you really blame that on me?
No, I haven't been discriminated against based on my race, and yes, affirmative action is complete and utter horse manure. But that's besides the point.
And here we are with this "historical weight". I know this is a fight I'm probably going to lose, but I really don't think that a person's identity has to have any "historical baggage" other than that which is truly from their own experiences.
How can a black person born today truly relate to slavery that happened 200 years ago? For all they know, it could be an elaborate story made up to reap rewards of affirmative action (I'm not saying I believe this, just pointing out a separation that should exist). They themselves weren't enslaved, so why should it be a part of who she is? Because she is black?
That first part is most definitely something I can live with. I don't necessarily think my opinions are more important than theirs, I just see no logical basis in their opinions. I still don't think that I've been given sufficient logical evidence to show that I shouldn't use this word to convey a message other than "second-class citizen", or whatever.
I'm not being wronged, I'm just trying to expose the reasons for their offense, and show them that they are useless and meaningless.
And that last part is, at the very least, twisting my words. These people know that I don't hate black people because they are black, they know why I am using the word, but you're right: I do care very little what people think about me. Not because I know best, but because most of society doesn't. As I've said before, there are tons of things (social graces, social norms) in this society that are completely and utterly useless and serve no purpose.
I would shrug it off in the sense that you are entitled to your opinion, and when I would ask what your logical basis for having that opinion is. If it is because I am white, I would take solace in the fact that you have no real logical basis for the opinion, and move on with my day. If you had real, legitimate reasons, I would do one of two things.
1) If I cared enough about how you felt about me to change my behavior, I would do so in order to make you think higher of me, or
2) Not care about what you think of me, perhaps because we don't know each other, and carry on with my life.
I lol'd.
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Now, as I explained my self, the problem ain't the word but the meaning the people has for the word. Someone may find that mening derogative or humiliating. And that's where your true question is: what is derogative/peyorative/humilaiting/offensive? Why do we feel that?
I find it very natural to feel offended: someone that offends you (intentionally) is someone who wants to hurt you... and you have to defend yourself. I find it a very basic impulse/instinct, but one we can overcome.
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No, Arabs inslaved Africans. Your statement seems to implay that Whites are souly responsible for the African slave trade. It wasnt till about 1450 untill Europeans actually started dealing in the African Slave trade. Before that, slavery had a home in Europe in the form of Sefdom.
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Power Dynamics
Essentially, certain words carry power connotations and ideas of superiority are inherent within them. Thus, when the word ☺☺☺☺☺☺ is used as pejorative, it's not an off the cuff commentary like another insult, it carries a deep seated meaning of "I am better than you because of something you have no control over" while instructing the receiver to know their inferior place. It was also a rallying cry for hate movements that discriminated based upon their belief of black skin being the mark of an inferior race.
If that doesn't really hit home where you live, try walking around talking about Zionist conspiracy and the corruption of society caused by the Jews; the same concept is behind anti-Semitism and the word ☺☺☺☺☺☺. Essentially, you're making a prescription for what society should be like, and you're putting a certain group of individuals on the bottom ala the pariah caste.
Good.
Now we can move on.
This is hitting the nail on the head. Honestly, the power of words is (I thought this was obvious) their meaning.
Therefore, if we use terms like the N word in casual conversation, they lose some of their power. Obviously, this could be a useful tactic, if you're trying to make a word become "less offensive" but honestly, people have words like f***, s***,c***, and so on because they want to convey something to someone else. And usually that sense is anger. However, it is understandable that these "heavy-handed" word would be used in a casual context because humans have an interesting sense of humor and to use them like this is strangely ironic, although few people make this evaluation as they are using them.
Anyway moral of the story: think before you speak. It can sometimes save you a lot of trouble.
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Also, don't question affirmative action because again, as a white male you just can't understand.
EDIT:
Not that I use or condone using the N-word, Rabishu's superior attitude just pisses me off. The whole "aha, I see you are a white North American male, let me cast my assumptions on you and act like I can easily analyze your simple mind, blah blah gender race identity discrimination" is kind of annoying.
Why can't this convention change? In the instance of the word "gay", many, many people have come to a "convention" that it cam also mean the word "lame" while still meaning "homosexual", depending on context.
Exactly. When I use it as a term of endearment for my white friends, it's definitely not in a derogatory way, though their natural instinct is to interpret it that way. This instinct is what I'm trying to expose, and show that it is baseless because of how I am using the word.
I also want to ask what its purpose is. I feel that society instills in us that certain words are "offensive" and are to be avoided, and therein lies the basic "offense" instinct. This is something that I believe I have (at least, mostly) overcome, because I see no use for it. I am trying to get others to see why I have done this and perhaps get them to do the same.
I agree with this. But some people fail to recognize that I am using it as "off the cuff" commentary as other insults, rather than trying to convey the "power dynamics".
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And you are right in something: as many things for humans, what is or what is not offensive is teached. And we use to teach what was teached from us. You can try to change this by teaching that the word "☺☺☺☺☺☺" is not offensive... but the problem is that someone else will be trying to teach the contrary because of historical reasons.
Now, I surely do find some degree of offensiveness useful. If a male's boss, for example, is treating that guy like ☺☺☺☺ and he doesn't do something about it, it will be hard (not impossible) that a girl takes interest on him, as they will perceive him "weak" and other males will laugh at him instead of being friendly. Is like the trying to be "alpha male", or something. I'm not saying that the guy should kill his boss, but to defend himself.
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What you want to be talking about is the nature of pride, and how comments become offensive because they wound someone's pride.
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It looked to me like she was making (fairly accurate) assumptions about his characteristics based on his behaviours and beliefs, rather than the other way round.
I'm not sure if that's an improvement from your point of view.