MTGS Mini #14: I am the Biggest Geek in the Whole Wide World



MTGS Mini is the format that will be going up on Friday night/early Saturday from now on. MTGS Mini is a far more easygoing format. So sit back and relax while we relax... our standards. If this isn't your thing, take a break and we'll see you on Sunday night with Cranial Insertion!



Pitch black outside.

It was shortly after Exodus had been released. I must have been eleven or twelve. My friend Ryan and I were sitting around a shaky card table, playing... well, what else? Magic.

His mother was out of town and I'm not sure whether or not my parents were aware of that when they agreed to let me spend the night, but fate had its way and there we were, glaring at each other with bags under our eyes, a silent mutual hatred brewing in our stares.

Like any other opportunistic pair of eleven-year-olds, we had celebrated having the house to ourselves by consuming far too much caffeine and sugar. We had just crashed from all these stimulants and we sat grumpy and motionless save for shuffling around our cards on our turns. Our eyelids drooped but we resisted sleep, relishing our one night of freedom from parents. Kids aren't made for three A.M., but there we were.

Ryan was playing his White Weenie deck with a Green splash, complete with Cataclysm. I played Red with small creatures and burn.

The game was tense. I had cleared the board several times with Earthquake and Ryan was getting bored of trying to kill me. It didn't look like it was going to end any time soon, that was for certain.

I swung with a Goblin. Ryan adjusted his die and nodded his head forward before snapping back awake.

Ryan gained some life. He nodded again.

At the end of his turn, I tapped one Red mana. I began to pull the Shock from my hand when Ryan nodded again. He didn't recover.

"Take two," I said.

No response from Ryan.

"Take two!"

Nothing.

"Hey, wake up. Take two!"

Ryan was out.

Finally the hours of sugar and soda binging combined with incredibly late hours for an eleven year-old and the slowly brewing discomfort that had built around the card table bubbled up in me and I yelled:

"TAKE TWO GOD DAMMIT"

"Hm?" Ryan opened one eye.

"TAKE TWO!" I threw the Shock and it hit him on the nose.

"OW!"

"TAKE TWO!" I screeched at him.

Ryan got mad, picked up his White Knight and threw it at me.

"No, YOU TAKE TWO! I WAS SLEEPING!"

The White Knight missed, but this was far from over. Before I could pick my Fireblast off the top of my graveyard, Ryan had grabbed his deck, pissed as hell, and ran into the kitchen. I thought he was just going to bed, but he peeked out the door, grabbed the top card of his deck, and threw it at me. This time he hit, the card landing on my arm. He picked up another and threw that one too, then another, and another.

"HEY STOP THAT!"

Ryan threw another card.

This was far too much for my fragile dignity to take. I picked up my deck and rushed off to a strategic position in the living room. I flicked a few cards in the kitchen's direction, but Ryan was nowhere to be seen. I wondered if he had just retreated further into the kitchen, and crept towards the door.

Suddenly a rapid pat-pat-pat on the floor came from behind me. Ryan had used the kitchen's other door and snuck around behind me! He flung a few cards. I turned around as quickly as possible and threw a handful of cards at his face.

"AAARRGH!"

One had hit him in the eye, and this gave me a chance to run and hide. I barreled through the house until I came to his room. I dove towards the carpet and rolled inside, quickly righting myself and bracing against the wall near the door where I could not be seen. Suddenly I got an idea. I slammed his door so he would know what room I was in, and then dove to the floor again and rolled underneath the conveniently-placed couch in his room.

I waited, breath heavy. I could hear my heart pounding in my ears. This was war. I slowly drew the top card of my library into my hand and held it as if it were a spy's dagger.

The doorknob creaked as it turned.

Ryan stepped into the room, chest panting, holding several cards in his right hand, ready to throw. I watched as he tip-toed around, sure that he would be able to sneak up on me unaware.

He lifted the covers off his bed quickly, hoping to catch me there. He threw open his closet doors but I was not in there either. It looked like he was about to leave and he walked towards the door, passing by his unassuming couch.

My hand darted out from underneath the furniture, slashing with the card at his unsocked ankle. It would have cut his tendon but, well... it's cardboard. Ryan, surprised, grabbed the couch and flipped it over, revealing me laying prostrate on the floor.

"Ha-HA!"

He had found me.

I grabbed my deck and jumped up at him. I shoved the whole deck in his face as we struggled. We locked arms and tumbled to the floor, yelling at each other.

He took got a firm shove on my chest and I was pushed to the wall. Ryan took this opportunity to run back to the living room. I grabbed some cards from the floor and followed, throwing cards at him.

Upon reaching the living room, Ryan turned around and threw the only card he was still holding from his once-proud W/g deck. He threw it at me in a perfect flick. I was thwakked in the eye by a card, which fell to the ground.

Suddenly, we heard a thunderous knock at the door. We both froze, our hearts frozen in the manner that hearts are frozen when you feel like you've been caught red-handed doing the worst thing in the entire world. We heard screaming from outside:

"GOD ****ING DAMMIT STOP MAKING SO ****ING MUCH ****ING NOISE SOME PEOPLE ARE ****ING TRYING TO ****ING SLEEP YOU LITTLE ****S."

This continued for a good thirty seconds, neither Ryan nor I moving from our frigid positions.

Finally the man left the door, presumably satisfied with our silence. I looked down at the card that Ryan had thrown at me last, a Respite.

I threw it at him and we both went to bed.

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