Magic player scrubs out, but at least doesn't get cards stolen
After a disappointing tournament in which he went 0-2, losing all four games he played, and then dropped, local magic player Greg Johnson seemed surprisingly happy about the result. The reason: he emerged from the tournament still in possession of every card in his collection he brought, getting none of them stolen by the loser thiefs that populate most magic tournaments.
"I'm really excited about how I did", Greg said excitedly. "Sure, I lost every game I played. But at least none of those a-holes stole my collection. I even have all of my foils, and the cards I obtained during the tourney. It couldn't have gone a whole lot better."
Card stealing is something that has become increasingly common in the Magic community. Roland Chang recently had his collection worth thousands of Dollars stolen at a Vintage event, and even online collections appear to be in jeopardy after Felix Leong had his Magic Online account hacked into and every card in it stolen. These occurances simply make Greg's accomplishment all the more unlikely, and all the more impressive.
"It's really quite unbelievable when you think about it", said one tournament director. "Just about everyone here had something stolen. Some piece of crap even ran by and stole a can of Coke while I was drinking it. The fact that Greg managed to get nothing stolen throughout the entire event is a huge feat, and deserves at least some kind of recognition."
Observers noticed Greg keeping his cards in a padlocked steel case with barbed wire around it, and constantly watching it like a hawk whenever he was playing. When he had to go to the bathroom or get food, he paid homeless men that were trained in combat large amounts of money to watch over the case. While the distraction of watching his cards may have cost Greg his tournament wins, not getting his cards jacked by some petty lowlife was a bigger victory than any he could have gotten focusing on the tournament.
"I envy him. I really do", said the winner of the tournament, "I won the tournament and a decent amount of money, but some douchebag stole my collection in the meantime. So really, all I won was the chance to buy all the cards I lost during the tournament. I would switch places with that guy in a heartbeat."
Greg's accomplishment is something that should definitely be looked at by the gaming community. If Greg was able to overcome all the odds and not get anything stolen, there really is hope for any of us who go to tournaments. It's an encouraging tale of hope, and the triumph of the human spirit. Greg says he will continue playing Magic, and continue using his techniques that allowed him to not get any of his crap stolen.
Wizards Erratas Giant Solifuge to 4/3
In a controversial decision, Wizards of the Coast has decided to errata Giant Solifuge to a 4/3, after months of Solifuge being a 4/1.
The decision is particularly strange because Giant Solifuge had been heavily played as a 4/1, and was considered one of the best creatures in Standard. However, Aaron Forsythe clued us in as to why Wizards made such an odd decision.
"Our job here at Wizards is to give the fans what they want", Forsythe explained. "And, after a lot of reading on the internet, including a thread at a popular rumor site, we have determined that what the fans want is for Giant Solifuge to be a 4/3. We even released those blurry scans ourselves, just to see which power/toughness the people wanted, and the people have spoken. Giant Solifuge had a good run as a 4/1, but it's time we finally made it a 4/3, which was our plan all along."
As a 4/3, Solifuge is expected to be a wrecking ball to control decks in the format, as the extra two toughness along with the untargetability makes it nearly impossible to get rid of. However, Wizards has told us that they have some tricks up their sleeves to help out control also.
"We read some more threads at that big rumor site", Mark Rosewater said. "And we've gotten some other ideas from the players. For one, we've decided to bring back Counterspell. Also, we're errataing Wrath of God to be an Instant, and are going to reprint Ancestral Recall to finally give blue players some instant speed card draw that they've been waiting for for so long."
Rosewater was not done however, and let us in on some more secrets.
"We're also going to reprint Necropotence and Demonic Tutor for the combo players", he added. "They're always *****ing about how combo isn't good, even when it is, so we figured what the hell, let's just give them Necropotence and Demonic Tutor back. Since Blue has Counterspell, it doesn't really matter anyways."
Rosewater also added that this was only the tip of the iceberg of the huge changes Wizards is planning, but would not let us in on any more information. The changes are expected to take place with the release of Planar Chaos.
Stasis Wondering Why It Wasn't Timeshifted
After Wizards reprinted several old school and out of flavor cards in Time Spiral, one card is wondering why it was left off the list: Stasis.
"I just don't get it", Stasis told us in an exclusive interview, "I'm one of the most beloved cards of all time. When you ask people 'Hey, what's your favorite card?' the answer comes again and again: Stasis. Why would Wizards not reprint such a widely adored card? It makes no sense to me, and quite frankly I'm rather pissed off about it."
When told about some possible reasons for it not being reprinted, including its tendency to cause repetitive game states and make Magic completely boring and not worth the time or energy to play, Stasis just shook its head.
"Again, everyone loves me. I know there's another reason for this. Is it the artwork? It's the artwork isn't it? You can change the artwork you know, it's not that hard. Just get an artist in there and let them touch it up a bit. I mean really, I'm Stasis. Please reprint me."
When contacted, Wizards gave very specific reasons as to why Stasis wasn't, and won't be, Timeshifted.
"We did some market research on this, and we actually discovered that not one Magic player in the known universe likes Stasis", Mark Rosewater told us. "In fact, just the mentioning to some players of Stasis immediately caused them to go into convulsions, and forced us to run for our lives. We were in serious danger. I don't know where Stasis got the idea that everyone loves it, but someone better pound some knowledge into its head. Oh, and yes, the crappy artwork factored in too."
Tournament winner credits victory to body odor
After winning a local Friday Night Magic tournament this past week, Magic player Chaz Faubion credited his win to his disgusting body odor, which he claims distracted his opponents throughout the day and hindered their thought process.
Chaz says he came up with the technique the week before, and decided to go the whole week without showering, scrubbing, brushing his teeth, or changing his clothes for the entire week leading up to the event, in hopes he could make it hard for his opponents to think, and lead to some wins. The plan appeared to pay off, as Chaz dominated every opponent in the 6 rounds, not losing a single game in the tournament.
"Dude, it was freaking rank", said Chaz's round two opponent. "I really couldn't focus on the game. It was like some mutant odor from beyond the grave. I thought he was dead or something, but whenever I looked he was picking his nose or something, so I quickly discredited that theory. Really, I have no idea how he did that. I had to leave several times during the match to throw up, there was no way I could focus."
It wasn't just his opponents who had to feel the wrath of Chaz's mutant B.O. however. Many shopkeepers throughout the day decided to give Chaz free cards, in exchange for him taking a shower and learning some proper hygiene habits.
"Really, I don't care much about the cards." said one shopkeeper who worked the event, "I just want that kid to learn something about cleaning his body. It was really disgusting, even for Magic player standards, and I hope he knows that."
However, it doesn't appear Chaz will be showering any time soon.
"After it worked so well there, I think I'll keep going with it", Chaz added. "If I can win FNM after one week without showering, who knows what's next? After two weeks I could win a PT, and I bet after a couple months of tough playtesting and terrible hygiene habits I can win Worlds. I don't know if I'll ever shower again, honestly."
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