Writers Block (and Parry)

In times of yore, it was considered noble (and necessary) to pit internet writer against internet writer and thus determine who reigned supreme in the author stakes. Was the pen indeed mightier than the sword or is that maxim just a colostomy bag of creamed spinach? Ever eager to demonstrate my own intrepid nature in all areas and aspects of M:tG scribbling, I decided to put this (semi-)ancient tradition to the test by picking a fight with someone – unfortunately, I picked on someone both far superior and deeply inferior in all respects; someone I love and loathe in equal measure, i.e. myself

(the article should go “all wobbly” at this point, in the manner of a stone dropped into a lake)

HAL 9000: (in that sinister, cold way of his)
Today's death-match dialogue is brought to you courtesy of Robo-PunditTM, the automated Sports Commentary Software available for your desktop PC, satellite receiver system, and all toasters with greater than 256MB of memory.

Cheerful Announcer: (coughing up phlegm)
*hack* Robo-Pundit: Putting The Anal back into "Analysis", the Wind back in "Swindon" and the [CENSORED] back in "Country". Now a quick word from our sponsor:

Serra Avenger in a Catwoman Suit:
(let’s pause for a moment to imagine this…)

[‘Kay Serra Serra (Music: Bane/Black Lyrics: Bane)]
When I was just a play-test card, I asked the MaRo, "What would I be?"
Would I be handsome? Would I be pretty?
Here's what he said to me...

’Kay Serra, Serra
Whatever will be, will be.
Won’t be summoned ‘til passed turn 3
’Kay Serra, Serra

In Time Spiral I came out, I asked my buyer “What would I be?”
Would I be traded? Am I a bomb?
Here’s what he said to me

’Kay Serra, Serra
Whatever will be, will be.
Two white is so cheap, you see
’Kay Serra, Serra

(repeat until nauseous)

Danny The LOL Boy: (who is a ventriloquist's dummy wearing a red and white spotted bow-tie and nothing else. He is sat on Tony Boydell's knee. Tony is also nude, apart from a matching spotted bow-tie)
Heeeey, sports fans! A jolly ole English 'Halloo' from the Albert Hall in London, England. Tonight this historic, if small, auditorium plays host to one of the most keenly anticipated wrestling bouts since Randy 'Gotta Catch 'Em All' Beuhler and a bucket of cold sick. Oh yes. Tonight we'll see that quirky UK-based japester and pun-merchant, Tony Boydell, taking a Pythonesque swing at himself! Yes, you heard me right - he'll be attempting to beat eight shades of [CENSORED] out of his own person.

(turning to Tony)
So what's the deal, Tony?

Tony Boydell: (starts moving Danny's lips and then remembers he should be moving his own)
I couldn't face being beaten by someone else. I have a fragile ego, you know - one swipe and I go to pieces.

Danny The LOL Boy: (anatomically correct)
So what's your strategy for this evening? Any thoughts on your possible weak spots?

Tony Boydell: (pulling a hard-boiled egg from behind Danny's ear)
Well, I'm none to good with actual strategy or content - I've been looking at previous articles and have noticed that whenever I get close to making any sort of relevant point, I slip in a rather poor pun and gloss over the whole affair. I'll be looking to exploit that this evening.

(Tony punches the air - pause - Prince William falls to the ground, stunned)

Danny The LOL Boy: (head turns right round - Linda Blair style)
An interesting point, Tony - and what do you think about that, Tony?

Tony Boydell: (holding up a hand-written sign with 'Quoi?' on it)
I think that I've seriously over-estimated myself - relying on old submissions like that – really, what a hack! I'd suggest that I'd better pay more attention to my own performance, if I were me, and less time on what's gone before. I've put in a lot of training for this contest, and have a new few tricks up my literary sleeve, I can tell you!

(Tony holds up a mirror and grimaces to himself - faintly growling like a bear. He departs.)

Danny The LOL Boy: (head lolling forward)
Well, the bookies are fairly unanimous on this one. Tony is the hot favourite, but you could do worse than stick a couple of dollars on rank outsider Tony.

(holds hand to ear)

Well, it seems that we're ready to begin. Let me hand you over to Burkett O'Slops at the ringside

(as the camera cuts to the ring-side, we can hear Danny say
"Will someone please get me a gottle o' geer?")

Burkett O'Slops: (voice only, though he sounds like he's dressed in a chicken suit)
Thanks, Danny. Here we go!

Master of Ceremonies:
(waving his arms in great sweeping motions towards the packed audience)
Iiiiiiiiiiiiin the red corner: Tony Boy-dell !

(cue: tumultuous applause)

And iiiiiiiiiiiin the blue corner: To-ny Boydell!

(cue contemptuous jeers, taunts and cries of “Your mother!”)

This bout will be decided by two submissions or a feature column - no bad language or sexual content please - this is a work-safe web-site!

The Bell:
DING - DING!

Burkett O'Slops:
And they're away! Tony leaps out of the blue corner with an obscure lyrical reference from a 70's progressive rock album - he's using it as a title for the opening paragraph. Tony counters quickly from the red corner with an aside followed by some fancy footnote-work. It's all textbook stuff as he circles himself around the ring, a jab here, and a pun there. Trying to find a way in… Oh! That was a tremendous pun to Tony's ribs just then, managing to slip in both a reference to a Magic card AND deride the current state of the game AT THE SAME TIME! But Tony seems to have brushed that last remark off with a slightly-rude word and is preparing a fulsome, jokey response of his own! Oh my goodness! Was that a direct insult, just then? No! He just quipped him.

The Bell:
DING - DING!

Burkett O'Slops:
And that's the end of Round One, with Tony just slightly having the edge.
He looks in good shape as he receives encouragement from his family and some store credits. Tony looks well-placed as we go into Round Two. Any thoughts, Danny?

Danny The LOL Boy: (slumped over a magazine of dubious repute, his voice muffled)
A typically standard start for both Tony and Tony here at the Timeshifted Arena; the latter, of course, is well-noted for the careful handling of his opening... (s******)

The Bell:
DING - BLOODY - DING!

Burkett O'Slops:
And it seems Tony has taken some new advice from his corner during the break and has come out blazing - it looks like he's building a rant about people who played Hulk Flash, a tried-and-tested strategy from the likes of pretty much everyone over the last month or so, but somewhat alien to Tony's traditional surreal style. Tony holds his own steadily against this attack, responding with his own Magical version of 'Somewhere over the Rainbow (Vale)' from 'The Wizardcycling of (Bor)Oz' - cleverly interweaving satirical digs at the Magic elite and rhymes for [CENSORED], 'undergraduate', and 'piccolo'.

(shouting) Oh no! Tony seems to have slipped up! He was so busy 'going off on one' that he forgot to check his language and has violated the Code of Conduct - consequently, the editorial staff have had to RETURN his article with several amendments! Undoubtedly, a [CENSORED] disaster for Tony at this point in the bout, particularly as he was building up a powerful case using justified bullet points and quotes from other writers. How disappointing! Tony realises his mistake and is beating himself up about it! I hope he remembers that with over two minutes gone in this round, he's up against a deadline!

Danny The LOL Boy: (he’s made of wood, you know, and so is [CENSORED])
They’re very good, the editorial staff at MTG Salvation. [Why, thank you, Danny. -ed.] Always on hand with a helpful hint, a wry smile, an appreciative comment and a mail bomb for those who embed illicit formatting code in their drafts! God bless ‘em! [Don’t forget those who continuously capitalize articles and prepositions. This article would have been up hours ago if we didn’t need to mail Mr. Boydell... um... a cake! -ed.]

The Bell:
DING - wait for it…

Master of Ceremonies:
Tony Boydell receives a warning for confused babbling…

The Bell:
…DING!

Burkett O'Slops:
...and as Tony goes back to his corners, I notice that Tony has a split infinitive - they'd better patch that up as quickly as they can or the whole composition could come apart at the seams in later rounds. Well, I've been joined at the ring-side by "The Monkey From Pongify" and "Champignon, the Wonder Hors D'Oeuvre"; what you fellas making of this fight so far?

The Monkey from Pongify: (in a mock-Cockney accent)
Well, the boy done good - ain't he? Eh? He's working hard, right? Steady as she goes, yeah? He's not mincin' 'is words, like. He's putting it together and showing it out like a good boy should, right?

Burkett O'Slops: (to the plate of food)
Champignon? Any thoughts?

Champignon, the Wonder Hors D'Oeuvre:
(silence)

The Bell:
DING-A-LING! DING-A-LING!

Burkett O'Slops:
And they’re off with round three, and after the debacle of the last column, both Tony and himself are playing it more cautiously. Tony has decided to divide his article into two parts, hoping to keep himself in the running, while Tony has opted for a quick quiz.

(to Danny)
We've seen this tactic before, right Danny?

Danny The LOL Boy:
Yes indeed, Burkett. Offering some of your old Magical cards as a prize is a great attention-attracter - this'll win him points with the judges and the viewers at home - especially if foils are involved...

Burkett O'Slops: (interrupting)
...sorry, Danny, but I must interrupt you there! Not because anything is happening in the ring, but simply because I hate you and everything you stand for!

The Monkey from Pongify:
Good call, Burkett, me ol’ china…

Burkett O'Slops:
Now, returning the main event, Tony, while skillfully expounding the virtues of the casual player, has inadvertently interviewed somebody from the audience and taken credit for something produced, in the main, by someone else. He's knocked Tony onto his rebuttal and the referee is having very serious words indeed…

Danny The LOL Boy: (interrupting the interruption)
...this could be serious, Burkett...

Burkett O'Slops:
...and the whole situation has been exacerbated by no-one understanding Tony's cryptic clues AT ALL...

The Bell:
DING-DING-DINGLY-DINGLY-DING-DONG!

Burkett O'Slops: (SHOUTING and SHOUTING and SHOUTING and SHOUTING)
It IS serious, Danny! Tony has been disqualified for 'sending in any old rubbish' and that means that he'll go away from this event empty-handed, with not even a nomination for article of the month! What a disappointment!

Champignon, the Wonder Hors D'Oeuvre:
(silence)

Danny The LOL Boy: (shaking his head so hard that his wig falls off)
You gotta ask the question: "Why did he do it?", Burkett, it was like he came over all deranged or something! He'll be a sad man driving back to his thatched cottage in Gloucestershire tonight.

Burkett, O'Slops:
So that brings us to the end of this evenings Pro-Ho-Celebrity Wrestling. After all the broo-ha-ha, an easy win for Tony after Tony gave it all away in the third round for the price of a couple of Planar Chaos rares. Join us next time when Stephen Menindigindigindiodian ("Pass the Kutchie on the Left-hand Side") takes on the tag-team might of Brian and David Marshall. Until then, keep it rigid, folks!

(roll credits to the tune of 'When The Levy Breaks' by Led Zeppelin)