MTG Update #3
By CynicalSquirrel on March 30th, 2007 · Filed in Humor · Comments not available just now
Wizards to Finally Shake Things Up and Replace Legacy Banned List With Restricted List
By CynicalSquirrel on March 30th, 2007 · Filed in Humor · Comments not available just now
After increased demand from frustrated players over the Legacy format regarding the banned list, state of the format, and a perceived lack of attention being given the format, Wizards has finally decided to take action, and replace Legacy's banned list with what they are calling a "restricted list" and create another new format to finally shake things up in the way players have been begging for.
The new format will be called "Vintage", and will have an innovative new concept allowing players to only play one copy of certain cards Wizards deems to be degenerate. Wizards is banking on it being a hit with the Legacy community.
"We've been reading forums and hearing what players have to say", explained Aaron Forsythe. "And after a lot of deliberation, we felt this was the best solution. It's still a format where players can play with their old cards, but adding cards like Black Lotus to the format will make combo much more relevant, while other powerful cards should finally restrict the dominance of Goblins in the metagame. We think Vintage is going to be a hit with the Legacy faithful, and might catch the interest of other players as well."
"Everyone is always pissing and moaning about how Wizards won't help the format", added one Wizards employee. "So we decided to finally help them out. Since they didn't like Legacy, maybe this one will suit them better. If they don't like it, they can just quit. We really just don't care anymore."
Wizards is hoping that the format will reach out to older players, while also bringing back more players that may have quit earlier. The new format will launch on the next banned/restricted list announcement.
Local Player Quits Magic for 273rd Time
After a somewhat disheartening game of Standard in which it appeared he was on the brink of victory only to have it be snatched away by a late Demonfire, local player Gregory Green has decided to quit Magic for the 273rd time in his four year career.
"It was seriously the last straw", a furious Gregory said after the event. "I haven't been this outraged at a game of Magic since the last time I quit two days ago when someone played Pyroclasm after I flipped my Thelonite Hermit. Really, what's the point in even playing anymore? Wizards sucks, and they destroyed magic."
The first of Gregory's many quittings came back in 2002, after losing on turn 5 to Onslaught Goblins while playing with 3 color Cleric control. After a lot of hard thinking, he returned to the game two days later only to quit again after he read the spoiler for Phage the Untouchable and groaned about how dominant and format destroying the card was. He resumed playing again three days later, but hasn't stopped regularly quitting since then.
"It's gotten really old", said one of Gregory's close friends. "I mean, some guy plays Putrefy on one of his creatures and he just quits. He actually quits and then decides to return to magic in the middle of games. He's done it in tournaments. Honestly, the whole act is just getting on our nerves now."
According to his friends, the high number of quittings is not an exaggeration. They even were kind enough to show us a pie chart:
However, despite the chart and the numerous accusations about him not really quitting, Gregory insists this time it's for real.
"No way. I'm never going back this time. I'm just completely sick of Magic in general. Woah, a new set is coming out soon. Sweet! I guess I'll at least have to try the new set first. Then maybe I'll think about quitting again."
Chimney Imp Found Dead in Alley
After a painful life full of constant ridicule and humiliation from his peers, Chimney Imp was found dead late last night in the alley behind a seedy motel, in what police have already ruled as a suicide.
The imp was pronounced dead on the scene by local police, and was reportedly found to have several different poisons and utensils generally used in suicides. The question the police and many others are asking is "What specific thing drove Chimney Imp to do such a thing?" To this question, there appear to be many answers.
"I think there were many factors in this", said Nim Shrieker, one of Chimney Imp's closest friends and fellow abysmal Mirrodin block black flier. "In fact, I don't even consider this to be suicide. I think Chimney Imp was murdered. He was murdered by all those people who made jokes about adding him to their T2 deck. He was murdered by those people who every Mirrodin block draft made a crack about first picking Chimney Imp. Those bastards killed Chimney Imp, my dearest friend, and I will never forgive them."
Others who knew or were acquainted with Chimney Imp say he died of a broken heart.
"When he was told he was going to be in a powerful block, Chimney Imp thought he was going to be a star", said another friend of Chimney Imp. "But then he realized he was only a 1/2 flier that cost 5 mana, and just basically sucked on every possible level. He was devastated. And the power level of the block and the hype about another black common, Disciple of the Vault, just made things worse. He was never the same after that."
People who lived near Chimney Imp say that after he was never played in T2 or limited he became a recluse, rarely ever leaving his home except to smoke a cigarette in the alley he died in. Many say it was just a matter of time for Chimney Imp, and weren't surprised by the suicide.
"Yeah, he visited once in a while," said Motel 6 owner Frank Jones. "He was always lurking around, scaring off customers. I think he was a junkie. I'm not surprised by his death really, he had it coming."
For those close to Chimney Imp, it is now a time for mourning and reflection. It's a shame that such a promising life had to go so wrong.
Photo of Murdered Man from Autopsy Could Make for Sick Artwork
Searching for artwork ideas for the next Magic: The Gathering set, Jeremy Jarvis, MTG's artwork director, came across what he thinks could be one of the sickest, most intense artworks ever: a photo of a murdered man taken from his autopsy.
"I was looking for something for the next black removal spell they plan on printing, and someone suggested I go down to the police station and do some snooping", Jarvis said. "So I went down there and found the perfect picture. It's absolutely amazing, and I think the players are really going to like it."
The picture is of a man who was brutally murdered in the Seattle, Washington area about a month ago. The photo clearly shows at least one hundred stab wounds, a fractured skull, and a body that is covered in human urine and fecal matter. Adding to the gory spectacle are hundreds of insects feasting on the corpse, and the number "666" written in blood on the gravel next to him. Jarvis was immediately enthralled.
"The first thing I thought when I saw that festering corpse covered with urine and feces was '3B: Destroy target non-black creature. It's controller loses 2 life.' It was really one of those moments you dream about where you find the perfect piece of art you were looking for. Except instead of a piece of art, I found a dude that got brutally murdered by an at large serial killer. But still, it'll work the same."
Wizards has added that Jarvis' idea of simply finding gory pictures of real humans could really help cut costs normally used on artwork.
"This could be a groundbreaking idea for Magic," said Richard Garfield, Magic's creator. "Now we save all the money wasted on paint, oils, and artists and instead just need to find a cool picture of a dead guy. Plus the art is really higher quality, since it's much more realistic. Not only do we save money, but we get some sweet artwork for no cost, unless we face one of those lame families that won't let use the picture because they don't want their loved one to be remembered as a card called 'Unholy Slaughter'. Jerks.
The magic player base already seemed thrilled at hearing the news.
"I love this idea," said one player who wished to remain anonymous so kids at school wouldn't find out he plays magic. "I know the art has been getting more and more violent each set, and I was loving it. But I thought after ridiculous sickness like Macabre Waltz they were going to get all lame and stop before parents complained. But they really proved me wrong. I can't wait for this card, I think I might even collect it."
That's the exact type of response that Jarvis and the others working at Wizards were looking for, which is why they plan on releasing the card in Future Sight, and from now on will be using autopsy photos and pictures from popular "shock" websites from now on.
Magic Player Confesses to Living a Lie
After being confronted by various people about his behavior on the internet, magic player Thomas Smith has admitted that he has been living a lie.
In his confession, Thomas admitted that he is actually not a tough guy the way he acted on many internet message boards. He also admitted he does not have a girlfriend, is actually a nerd and not a popular jock, and has never engaged in intercourse with Angelina Jolie or Jessica Alba.
The news comes as a shock to many of Thomas' friends, who thought for sure he was being honest.
"To learn that Thomas never did the dirty deed with Angelina Jolie... that just really hurts man" said one online friend of Thomas'. "I thought he was for real and was being honest with me, and it's just terrible to learn I was being lied to. I really thought he had that hot gf too, I mean he was always talking about her and stuff. It's just a shame, and I can't believe he would lie to me like that over the internet."
When asked about his behavior, Thomas was almost speechless.
"I don't really have much to say," he said remorsefully. "I was just living a lie, and it was time I came clean. I lied about being good at magic. I lied about doing it with Angelina Jolie, and about having a good looking girlfriend. And yes, that whole thing about me being able to lift 200 pounds was a lie also. In fact, I don't think I've ever said one truthful thing over the internet. It's just all been one big lie."
Thomas is already facing consequences for his actions. He has been banned from several of the forums where he lied, and has been shunned by those who he used to call friends, and added to their ignore lists. For Thomas, it will now be a life of exile, as he ponders the dishonest life he has lead for over a year. He just hopes he can get a second chance.
"I'm already repenting my sins," Thomas added. "I've learned that lying to people over the internet is wrong, and that it should never be done. I'm ready to be forgiven, and hopefully be a part of all my communities again."
Previous MTG Updates: