MTG Update #1
By CynicalSquirrel on October 3rd, 2006 · Filed in Humor · Comments not available just now
Olivier Ruel Caught Cheating on Date|
Just a short time after being caught cheating at a Magic: the Gathering Pro Tour event, Olivier Ruel was caught cheating on his date by his girlfriend. According to witnesses that were at the popular restaurant, Ruel was seen looking at the bill while he ate, then casually sliding it over to the other side of the table. A heated fight ensued after Ruel refused to pay for the meal, and eventually his now ex girlfriend left in a very bad mood.
"I don't think I was cheating", Ruel said defensively, "people do this kind of stuff all the time. Why are people making an example out of me? Besides, I'm not the one who ordered the filet mignon and chardonnay. She should be footing that bill."
"I've suspected him of cheating for a long time", said his girlfriend, Mary Rosewater, "but this was the first time I really saw it with my own eyes. This kind of thing goes on too much, and I had no choice but to take action."
Since the incident, Ruel's girlfriend has suspended him for six months from any kind of date or outing, leaving Ruel no choice but to quit altogether. In an online message Ruel commented on his future in dating:
"Quite frankly, I don't know what I'll do in six months, but I still seriously plan to quit. I especially will try to reorganize my life without dating, and I will see in six months where I can allow it. See you at Worlds."
Now without a girlfriend, Ruel will have to try to put the pieces of his life together. However, since he is a Pro Tour Magic player, this writer has full confidence that Ruel will come back and continue going out with women even better than he did before. Because chicks dig card players.
Extended Players Running Out of Room for Non-Basic Lands|
In the wide open Extended format, a problem has recently arisen: Players running out of room to run the proper amount of non-basic lands.
"It's a real problem", said Extended enthusiast Brian Smith, "In my build, I'm running 20 duals, 14 fetches, 8 cycling lands, and the Urzatron. But it just isn't enough. I really want to fit in that 55th non-basic land. Without the 55 non-basics, it just doesn't feel like a competitive Extended deck."
Smith is not the only Extended player that has had this problem. Players all over the world that play the format have been getting headaches trying to figure out their non-basic land configuration. Another player added "It's just so damn hard. In most formats people can just throw in a few basics and call it a day. But this format is so difficult because every deck needs at least 35 non-basic lands. And that's the bare minimum."
After the recent unveiling of Billy Moreno's innovative 5 Color 40 Non-Basic-Land Life from the Loam deck, demand for the non-basics has only gone up.
"Yeah, that deck is sick," said one of Billy Moreno's many fans. "Sure, it doesn't win many games, but it runs a lot of really expensive lands and uses them to do a lot of fun tricks." Moreno's deck featured 16 Ravnica dual lands, 12 Onslaught fetchlands, 6 Onslaught Cycling Lands, 2 Cephalid Coliseums, 2 Barbarian Rings, and 2 Ghost Quarters to give it the full array of Life from the Loam tricks. The deck has given other Extended players what can only be referred to as "non-basic land envy".
"Man, I wish I could run that many non-basics in my decks," said a sullen Extended player. "I'm only running 7 in mine, with 13 basic lands. It just doesn't feel right." The player's 20 land deck, called "Heartbeat," has been the mockery of everyone in his Extended tournament scene.
"Haha, that deck is awful" said a grinning opponent. "It only runs 7 non-basic lands. I mean how good can it be?" After getting comboed out by the Heartbeat deck, the player blamed the loss on mana screw and stormed out of the tournament room.
Magic Player Pwns Colonoscopy|
Five year Magic: the Gathering player Mike Johnson announced yesterday that he had "pwned" his most recent Colonoscopy. "Dude, it was a freaking pwnination," said Johnson. "Once the tube went up my butt, the game was freaking over. It was so 1337."
Johnson's doctor admitted that he did do very well on the exam. "I must admit, I think he did pwn," the doctor said. "He didn't even cry or anything like most of the MTG players do. It was svg."
Johnson attributes his colonoscopy success to "svg tech" that he developed in the weeks leading up the examination. "Once I knew I was going to get tested, I made sure I could handle it. That's when I came up with the svg ubertechery of sitting on ice for two hours every day. It made my butt completely numb, so I was oblivious to pain. Really, taking a colon exam is a lot like MTG."
His friends agree that Johnson's svg tech was in part due to playing Magic the Gathering. "He's always been a great deckbuilder," said one close friend. "We all knew he was going to go out there and pwn the exam. And sure enough, he came through. He's definitely t3h h4x0rz."
Man Murdered by MTG Online Shuffler|
A man living in rural Idaho was murdered late last night by the Magic Online shuffling engine. The man was reportedly found electrocuted by his computer in his basement, with a look of exasperation and shock on his face, and a suspicious game of Magic on MTGO showing on his computer.
"We have reason to believe this was not accidental," said local detective Frank Stevenson. "We believe that this man was murdered by the MTGO shuffler."
When asked for comment, the MTGO shuffler did not respond. However, research shows that the engine has a long history of crime, including stealing games from people, and screwing several thousand Magic players in its short life.
"We've been trying to find this guy for quite some time", Stevenson explained. "We've almost nabbed him on 3,456 counts of thievery and a few other petty crimes. But this time he went for a big score. We're not going to let him go this time."
People close to the MTGO shuffler admit that he was always troubled. "I've known the shuffler for years," said one friend who did not wish to be identified. "He was always shady. He loved to go around screwing nerds out of Magic victories, and even occasionally would rig decks just to see the reaction of people. He was a real sicko. But even for him, murder is a bit surprising. I never thought he would go that far."
The local detectives have already issued a warrant for the shuffler's arrest, but are once again having a hard time locating him. More on this story as it develops.
Upkeep Week on magicthegathering.com Not as Entertaining as Anticipated|
After the success of their "End of Turn Week", magicthegathering.com thought they had come up with another brilliant theme week idea: Upkeep week. Unfortunately, the theme was not nearly as successful as the writers had anticipated.
The first sign that the week probably wouldn't be very entertaining to readers was when Mike Flores wrote an entire article about how the upkeep phase was his idea, and how all successful decks in the history of Magic have been successful through abusing the upkeep phase. "Honestly, I think Mike kind of exaggerated a little," said one mtg.com reader. "I really don't remember Long.dec ever running Eon Hub. And I'm pretty sure the upkeep step wasn't originally going to be called 'Flores Upkeep'. I just don't think the idea really worked."
Following the Flores debacle it only got worse. After the success of his “Top 50 Artifacts of All Time" column, Zvi Mowshowitz wrote “Top 50 Upkeep Cards of All Time". Unfortunately, Zvi's deadpan and extremely boring style didn't really help the article, in which he listed Rishadan Port as the number one upkeep card of all time, even though it isn't technically an upkeep card.
A guest article written by longtime Magic pro Brian Kibler explaining the easiest way to skip your upkeep step in a real life game of Magic without really implying it was met with similar disinterest. Kibler explained that instead of announcing upkeep, you can just untap and go right to drawing your next card. However, many players thought Kibler was being patronizing, and that this was common knowledge everyone that wasn't completely retarded knew.
The week wrapped up with an Aaron Forsythe column explaining why he hasn't banned the upkeep, and how he never will because the upkeep is what makes Magic work, and all of the little noobs out there putting Skullclamp on their Isamaru and swinging for 3 need things like the upkeep to keep the game fun.
Overall, the week has been viewed as a complete failure on every level. "It was probably a bad idea," admitted Mark Rosewater. "I don't even know who decided we should do theme weeks after turn steps. That was a really freaking stupid idea. I think we should stick to dumb casual cards from now on."
Wizards Releases Amazing Core Set with Bonus New Cards|
The Magic world was stunned recently when Wizards announced that they will be printing a new incredible core set in addition to 10th Edition, and that it will even include some random new cards that have never been printed.
"I'm really excited about it," said one Magic player. "I mean, they're reprinting freaking Akroma! And Psionic Blast! Plus a bunch of other amazing old cards. This is the best core set ever!" When asked about the supposed "new cards" that have never been seen before that would also be included in the packs, the player just shrugged and walked away.
When other Magic players were asked for their opinions on the bonus new cards the set would provide, most of them didn't care either.
"I didn't even know there were new cards," added Mark Feinhorn, another local magic player. "Are any of them good? Like Akroma or Psionic Blast good? I bet they aren't. They're probably just a bunch of crap. If they were any good, they wouldn't let us have them as bonuses. Otherwise Standard and Extended would be crazy."
One of the more controversial inclusions in the core set has been Tormod's Crypt, widely regarded as the most unfair hoser of all time.
"Dude, I love ridiculous hosers", said one player excitedly. "I can't wait for Tormod's Crypt to be legal again. Nothing says fun like playing a 0 mana artifact that completely nerfs your opponent's entire strategy and renders his deck completely useless! This is going to be awesome!!!!!"
While the new cards in this set are still yet to be seen, the reprints have gotten everyone buzzing. The hype and cards they were printing are sure to make Time Spiral the greatest core set ever, and we don't even need to see the surely crappy new cards to know this.
By CynicalSquirrel on October 3rd, 2006 · Filed in Humor · Comments not available just now